Your best story

[SacDuc]

I'm not afraid of dying. I am however terrified of becoming useless. Occasionally I'll see a very, very old person and just become scared that I will reach that age and be good for absolutely nothing. To combat this I have taken a cue from my heroes growing up: the old drunks at the bars that my father took me to that would tell the most amazing stories. I loved those guys. I figure if nothing else I could end up as one of these friendly and amusing drunks prattling on about the days of yore. So I have made sure to collect some silly stories in my time through egregious acts of irresponsibilty and uncaring. Of course I now realize that these old drunks were lying most of the time ("bullshitters" not "story tellers") but likely there was an element of truth in these Paul Bunyan tales. The tale below needs no embellishment. It is 100% true. And I want to hear YOUR best story too! Without further adieu:

How I Ended up Riding a Flaming Dumpster Down the Street During a Riot

by SacDuc

I was in a fraternity in college. The stereotypes you have about fraternities are all true. Frat boys are generally douche bags. As were we. But we fell into the other stereotype. Our house was the Animal House on campus. We were ugly, poor and horrifically drunk most of the time. It is cliche to tell the "Dude we used to get sooooo wasted in College" stories, but we truly cared more about drinking than anything else. Above going to class, girls, eating, everything. This was in small town WI where the mores surrounding drinking are, lets say, very liberal already. Plus we were sort of professionals at it. We took down some good cash throwing huge keggers nearly every Thursday night.

So the Thursday night of this story was no different. We procured 10 kegs (we knew that we would know if wee needed more before the place stopped selling them at 10pm) cups and various horrible liquors to sell shots of. And the party was like any other. Our bar and basement were pack with underage people getting wasted and trying to get laid. But this night was radically different for me. On a total lark I decided not to drink a drop. I was stone cold sober. I had a 5 page philosophy paper due the next day (the one class I was passing without a problem) and told myself that I would pound it out before I had a drop to drink. My sobriety got me nominated to sell shots in the basement. So there I am, sober, writing about Hume and Kant and selling shots in a fraternity basement. Well selling shots to the guys and giving shots to any girl that would show me her boobs. Sometimes a girl would come up and flash me and I would have to say, "I've already seen your boobs. If you want another free shot get your friend to show me her boobs. Otherwise its a buck" But I digress.

That's when I saw the flashlight. Damn. Busted. Cops everywhere. But hey, even though I'm underage, I haven't been drinking. Yay me! There was a long line to get out of the house. The cops were giving everyone underage (which was basically everyone) a breathalyzer. When I passed mine the cop made me do it over again. He didn't believe me that I was just down stairs writing a paper (I left out the selling shots part). Does that not sound believable? Anyway, he had to let me go. It wasn't until I got outside that I realized the magnitude of what was happening. There were 5 city busses parked on out street and the kids that failed the breathalyzer were being loaded into them. I walked to the small gathering on the neighbors lawn. People were in shock and telling stories like, "I was in the bathroom dude so I just jumped out of the make the beast with two backsing window and hopped the fence." Eventually the gathering on the lawn became fun. We would walk into the house (another frat house) and do shots and come back out and boo the cops visciously whenever they loaded a particularly hot girl on to the bus.

After all of the busses were loaded and the last cop left we didn't know what to do. So we kept drinking. Soon people came back with stories of what happened at the station. I don't think the cops thought their cunning plan all the way through. They took 200 drunk people two miles away to the police station. Wrote them each a ticket and sent them out to walk back to campus. 200 drunk and pissed off people wandering the streets. Not good. the enevitable happened. Someone pulled the fire alarm at the two dorm towers that housed about 6000 students. So now there were 6000 people in the street whose emotions ranged anywhere from incredulous to absolute rage. The chanting started. Things began being thrown. And then the mob started to move.

It marched downtown tipping a couple of cars, smashing a couple of windows, causing about 100k damage total. Not too bad. Most people were just doing what I was doing, walking along in disbelief yet with a certain amount of pride. By the time the mob circled back to campus it had made a "cause" for itself. Something about legislation being considered to lower the drinking age to 19. I didn't really think we were helping that cause. The mob was marching down the main street through campus when the riot cops showed up. They were idiots and there were not enough of them. Half of the group went for the sit-in. Down they went. Bowls were being passed. I went with the break away group that the cops couldn't contain. Some people started lighting various things on fire. One of those things was a dumpster that was rolled out into the middle of the road. So of course I said to the guys I was with, "Give me a push!" as I ran towards the dumpster.


And they did. So there I was riding a flaming dumpster down the street to the great cheers of the crowd. What I noticed from my improved vantage was the second wave of riot cops arriving. I quickly decided that there was nothing left to accomplish this evening. I left. Just walked back to the frat house. From what I heard the rest of crowd dispersed peacefully. The cops only bashed a few people with batons. No shots fired. I don't recall if there was tear gas. I don't think so.

Back at the frat house we took the phone off of the hook. No more reporters tonight. The thing i really learned during this is that media is full of shit. Whenever I saw this reported on the news, be it locally or CNN, they got every single make the beast with two backsing thing wrong. Everything. It was awful. We did not set out to start a riot. We just wanted to throw a party, get drunk and maybe touch a boob.

The next day the fraternity was cited for running an illegal tavern. We were milling about quoting Animal House, "They took the bar! The whole make the beast with two backsing bar!" We were hauled in front of the Dean of the school. Since I was on the Executive Counsel at the time I had to go. It sucked. We got yelled at and threatened a lot. In the end they didn't kick us off of campus. I have no idea why. The national fraternity didn't revoke our charter. I have no idea why. None of us went to jail. I have no idea why.

Prologue:

Two weeks later on a Sunday my friend Tyler and I are hung over as make the beast with two backs, per usual, and having crawled out of bed at noon we decided to head to McDonald's. After procuring Big Macs we headed toward our favorite liquor store on the out skirts of town (that expensive ass place near campus was NOT for the serious drinkers). We were going 50 mph on a two lane road with narrow shoulders when Tyler said, "I'm gonna puke." I chuckled. He said, "Seriously dude, pull over." I replied, "Dude, I can't pull over here. Roll down the window." So he did. And a newly swallowed Big Mac went spewing all over the side of my brother's car.

So I pull into the gas station just before the liquor store. As I'm pulling up to the pump I hit a patch of ice and ever so gently tapped one of the concrete filled steel posts set to protect the pumps. So THAT'S why those are there! Brilliant! Tyler got out and started squeegeeing the puke off of the side of the car. I started filling the tank which, thankfully, was on the driver's side. When I looked up from the nozzle I saw Tyler standing perfectly still with a look of dread on his face. With the most minute motion he beckoned me to look over his shoulder. And there at the other pump was the Dean of the University! HO. LEE. SHIT. He was looking at me like he just caught me raping his cat. What could I do? I waved. I told Tyler to hurry up. Then I sat down next to the car at laughed my make the beast with two backsing ass off. Never daring to look that direction again I finished filling the tank and got the make the beast with two backs out of there. Many high fives were to be had when we returned home with beer. vodka and a another story to tell.


So there it is. Probably the best story I have to tell. Let's hear yours.



sac

[GAAN]

I have no memory of my best story

there are pictures though

[SacDuc]

I have no memory of my best story

there are pictures though

POST THEM!!!!




sac

[SacDuc]

UPDATE:

Holy shit! I just googled "Oshkosh riots" for shits and giggles and came up with this:

http://www.advancetitan.com/news/faculty-recall-riots-1.1434204

It is about 50% factually inaccurate, but they got the dumpster part right!   



Awesome.


sac

[SacDuc]

My buddy and I, piss ass drunk.......look at each other and go "Let's help the Butler Police!"

Awesome piece of poor decision making. I applaud you.   

sac

[cyrus buelton]

Awesome piece of poor decision making. I applaud you.   

sac

Man, at the time it was the greatest decision in the world

then it hit me that I could have been in bed with this hot chick (I did confirm the next day she was in fact attractive) instead of jumping over fences, bushes, and god knows what else my drunk ass did helping that Officer.

I was friends with the LEO and he bought me lunch later that week........but still.


It was a nice display of a very poor thought process and eventual decision.

I blame the alcohol.

[Betty Rage]

I have no memory of my best story

there are pictures though

ahem....

moandjacobsbigadventure

[muskrat]

Good shit.  

I too was a member of the "instant" friend society.  We were known to most on campus as the restless drunks with an affinity for kidnapping, dope, loose women and trash the yard parties and the most famous of all Toga.  

Well, our pledges had hell to overcome and as usual tons of foolish shit to learn.  We decided it would be fair if they could "kidnap" actives and haul them off to never never land but always with a quarter (no cell phones then) and a six pack of beer.  Of course we the "actives" could do the same and make up the rules as we went along.  Needless to say one of those morons comes to my apartment to get my signature and the moment I opened the door 20 pledges piled on top of me and by default my roommate.  To make matters worse we were dressed in women's clothing and hog-tied in the bed of a pickup.  Off we go but not without torture which included hot sauce and icy hot on the nads.........bastards!  Our trip took us 2 hours away and down a dirt road where no visible lights existed but we did have beer .  Well, we made it out and a collect call was placed, home at last.

So not to be outdone the actives decided it would be a month straight of kidnapping to pay these little bastards back.  I exacted my revenge on the leader of the pack and back to the frat house we go.  Two of the ones I caught were duc taped to the trees in the front yard and we barricaded the house with cars, trucks, washing machines and anything we could find.  A call was placed to the rest of the pledges who were told if you don't rescue these little punks they would be taken away and the whole class of pledges dismissed - mind you that hell week was already over so no way they'd go through that again.  Now the fun started and the placed looked like a 5th world country.  Potato guns, bb guns, flares and lots of other things were used in their failed attempt to rescue their friends.  BUT about an hour into the mayhem we noticed we had more than the 30 or so pledges.  No worries, we have beer and 60 actives.  Some idiot decided to wear his halloween costume to trick us into thinking he was a cop (a friend of one of the pledges).  Of course we were too smart and weren't fooled so after catching him too we duc taped his ass to his friend nose to nose.  The entire time we drank, smoked and partied like the end of the world was near, little did we know how close we really were, and then things grew to a haze.  We soon found ourselves catching real cops (2 to be exact) who received the same treatment.  Somehow I had a moment of clarity but only after the meat wagon showed-up and tear gas was in my throat.  Roughly 5 hours later a sobering thought occurred.....shit we are in the drunk tank!  

We not only got kicked off campus but had our charter revoked but surprisingly no weed was found.  Back then you could be 18 and drink in Louisiana so no ticket for that but the community service we got lasted 5 years.   We simply moved our frat house to the woods and continued our antics thanks to an Alumni who had just the right place for us to party like rockstars.  To this day we don't know who called the cops but I'm betting it was the Sigma Nu chapter behind our house.  They somehow didn't find it funny we painted their side of the fence pink every year the night before rush started.  Oh well.

[ducatiz]

1.

I used to work at a Wall St firm that had tiny offices for the attorneys with very thin walls.  My neighbor was this semi-fat idiot who had the manners of a feral wildebeast.  Every day after lunch, he would proceed to belch LOUDLY.  You could hear it down the hall.  We kept our doors open because of the airflow and closing it just wasn't an option.

I got fed up.  Like I said, the walls were thin -- they were the "temporary" type that you make cubicles from, but they were full height to the ceiling and attached directly into the floor.  The surface was a panel that popped off.  My desk was attached directly into the wall.

One evening, I took an old set of headphones, cut one speaker + wire off, and ran the plug to my PC on my desk.  Right into the speaker jack.  The headphone, I secreted into the wall.  Which means it was right up against his desk, but hidden inside his wall. 

I searched around on the 'net for a while for hte right sounds...

The next day when he belched loudly, I had a WAV file of pigs oinking that I had on a hotkey.  As soon as I heard it, I could hear "roonk ronkkk WHREEE WHREEE oink.. etc" for about 3 seconds.

TOTAL SILENCE for about a minute and then I hear a quiet "what the make the beast with two backs?"

About 5 minutes later, another belch:  and the pigs replied with a different set of oinks.

another "what the make the beast with two backs??" but louder this time.

I didn't do it again that day.

Next day I was off.

I came back Monday, and started again.  Same dumbass "What the make the beast with two backs?" only louder this time.  He came into my office and asked me if I was "hearing anything weird?"  Of course, I did what I could to be serious, I kept thinking about serious stuff like people being electrocuted just to keep from laughing out loud -- "no, no.  I haven't heard anything, why??"

"nothing..."

basically it went on for about a week and he finally figured out they were replying when he belched.

I ended up moving to another building, but I removed the speaker before moving.

[cyrus buelton]

^
god damn, I remember that story when you told it to me years ago. I laughed out loud again til the point where Tiff was like "What the make the beast with two backs are you reading?"

[ducpainter]

I have no memory of my best story

there are pictures though

sounds like a good time.

[DoubleEagle]

Good shit.  

I too was a member of the "instant" friend society.  We were known to most on campus as the restless drunks with an affinity for kidnapping, dope, loose women and trash the yard parties and the most famous of all Toga.  

Well, our pledges had hell to overcome and as usual tons of foolish shit to learn.  We decided it would be fair if they could "kidnap" actives and haul them off to never never land but always with a quarter (no cell phones then) and a six pack of beer.  Of course we the "actives" could do the same and make up the rules as we went along.  Needless to say one of those morons comes to my apartment to get my signature and the moment I opened the door 20 pledges piled on top of me and by default my roommate.  To make matters worse we were dressed in women's clothing and hog-tied in the bed of a pickup.  Off we go but not without torture which included hot sauce and icy hot on the nads.........bastards!  Our trip took us 2 hours away and down a dirt road where no visible lights existed but we did have beer .  Well, we made it out and a collect call was placed, home at last.

So not to be outdone the actives decided it would be a month straight of kidnapping to pay these little bastards back.  I exacted my revenge on the leader of the pack and back to the frat house we go.  Two of the ones I caught were duc taped to the trees in the front yard and we barricaded the house with cars, trucks, washing machines and anything we could find.  A call was placed to the rest of the pledges who were told if you don't rescue these little punks they would be taken away and the whole class of pledges dismissed - mind you that hell week was already over so no way they'd go through that again.  Now the fun started and the placed looked like a 5th world country.  Potato guns, bb guns, flares and lots of other things were used in their failed attempt to rescue their friends.  BUT about an hour into the mayhem we noticed we had more than the 30 or so pledges.  No worries, we have beer and 60 actives.  Some idiot decided to wear his halloween costume to trick us into thinking he was a cop (a friend of one of the pledges).  Of course we were too smart and weren't fooled so after catching him too we duc taped his ass to his friend nose to nose.  The entire time we drank, smoked and partied like the end of the world was near, little did we know how close we really were, and then things grew to a haze.  We soon found ourselves catching real cops (2 to be exact) who received the same treatment.  Somehow I had a moment of clarity but only after the meat wagon showed-up and tear gas was in my throat.  Roughly 5 hours later a sobering thought occurred.....shit we are in the drunk tank!  

We not only got kicked off campus but had our charter revoked but surprisingly no weed was found.  Back then you could be 18 and drink in Louisiana so no ticket for that but the community service we got lasted 5 years.   We simply moved our frat house to the woods and continued our antics thanks to an Alumni who had just the right place for us to party like rockstars.  To this day we don't know who called the cops but I'm betting it was the Sigma Nu chapter behind our house.  They somehow didn't find it funny we painted their side of the fence pink every year the night before rush started.  Oh well.

Great story   

Dolph     

[herm]

i dont know where to start..

[ducpainter]

i dont know where to start..

It's easiest from the beginning.

[herm]

It's easiest from the beginning.

ok,

once upon a time...