ATGNFI

[bigiain]

A somewhat elitist, but at the same time strangely compelling point of view.

Written by a friend of mine, Boris Mihailovic, for AMCN (a local bike mag) and posted on the bikeme.tv forums:

TWISTY BITS 8 DECEMBER, 2010

New post by Boris » 07 Dec 2010 14:01

ATGANFI

Hands up those of you who took up motorcycling because it was a safe and economical way of getting around.
Yes. OK. Go stand over there.

Now, hands up those of you who think fluoro vests and all the passive safety gear your credit card can buy makes you safer on a bike.
Good. You lot go and stand with the other idiots.

Let's now have a show of hands from the people who think there's always some external reason why you fell off your motorcycle. You know, like the car didn't see you, or there was gravel on the road, or you had new tyres, or the camber on the corner you missed was all wrong?
Excellent. Please go and join the burgeoning crowd of arseclowns who are now milling in confusion and angrily trembling with the intent to write hysterical emails to AMCN calling for my instant dismissal.

How's that worked for you in the past?
Not well, huh?

Pretty much like motorcycling then, which is not working for you at all, and which subsequently begs the question: Why are you even doing it?
Because you're not doing it properly.
No, really. You're not.

Yes, yes, I know that there are lots of you stiff-backed, frozen-in-place mouthbreathers spearing off our roads and into poles, trees and car radiators every weekend. But just cos there's lots of you, doesn't actually mean you have any right to ride among us. You are like cockroaches in that regard, and have, through your government-backed proliferation and ensuing ubiquity, become the vermin of the motorcycling world.

I see you all the time. I read your vacuous garbage on various “motorcycle” forums (which should actually be renamed “forums full of insufferable dickheads who own bikes”) and on any Sunday, I see you all clustered in various Macca's carparks preparing to head out on the roads and crash your worthless brains out.

You are the ATGATT (All The Gear All The Time) morons. You should rename yourself ATGANFI (All The Gear And No F**ken Idea), as my mate Frog suggested.
Because what none of you imbeciles seem to get is that not all the gear on this great planet, covered by all the fluoro ever made, is going to save you from, or make up for you being a crap rider. And as you're being turned into a greasy kebab under front axle of a nice truck, you'll be shocked to find your smarmy ATGATT attitude contributed absolutely nothing to preventing you from exchanging fluids with a big black Goodyear.
“Oh, but it will mitigate the injuries,” I hear you squeal, as if that's some kind of defence.

Not falling off will mitigate them a lot more, don't you think?
A few weeks ago, some mates and I took an L-Plater out for his first ride. Paul bought a bike on Wednesday, on Sunday he was busily clocking up a 500km day.

Normally, my mates and I head for roads that are joyfully free of the ATGANFI garbage. You might have to ride a bit further out, but that's a small price to pay for cop-and-fool-free bitumen.
But this Sunday was a little different due to Paul being with us, and we ended up on our way to Wollombi, which as any Sydney rider knows, is a very popular place to ride to on the weekend.

As we approached the notorious Lemming Corner, we noticed a red roadwork traffic light, and three bikes. Two R1s and a Gixxer. All piped up and growling between the thighs of the most gloriously attired ATGANFIs ever. Their brand new top-shelf leathers, boots, gloves and helmets were just breathtaking, and my friends and I had lots of time to admire them, since the red light was taking its sweet time.

Then it went green, and because I had a VMAX, The Door had a Rocket III, and Crew had a Speed Triple, we all raced the ATGANFIs to the first corner, and on towards the pub. Which is what happens on any Sunday.
We won.

Apparently, as Paul the L-plater told me when he got to the pub, being rounded up and pregnant doged by smelly open-face helmet wearing, not-thinking-of-the-children scumbags on very large and stupid non-sports motorcycles apparently caused one of the ATGANFIs to take fright. So he crashed on the third corner after the red light at about 30km/h. Right in front of Paul, who was wobbling merrily along as L-platers do.
“Why did he fall off?” Paul asked. “It's not like he was going very fast.”

“He fell off because he was a dickhead that couldn't ride,” I answered.
“But he had all that really nice gear. He looked like he could really bang.”

“Looks are deceiving,” I shrugged. “Those ATGANFI knob-smokers are like fake boobs. Fake boobs look sensational in dresses and sexy tops. But they are masters of deception. Get them naked and alone and they're nothing but sad, misshapen fleshsacks of no integrity. They promise much, but deliver nothing and invariably disappoint with their performance. Just like the ATGANFIs.”
I wish you all a great and good festive season.

[Spidey]

Screw you, mang.  It was cold tires.     But I agree with your buddy's thesis that the riders with the most unsafe attire are the most competent.  That's what he said, right?  

[stopintime]

Boris 

Refreshing

[Kopfjäger]

 

[ab]

 

darn, i just refreshed all my gears after 5 years.   

[SacDuc]

Your buddy is calling other motorcyclists "insufferable dickheads" while writing an article like that. Pot. Kettle.

It must be really nice for him to have been born able to ride a motorcycle perfectly right out of the womb. I'm sorry that he is not more tolerant of those us simpletons who were not touched by the hand of The Motorcycle God. We mere mortals have to learn the hard way. Slowly improving our skills while constantly reminding each other to wear full gear. Not because we think it makes us invincible (like some arrogant pricks like to think) but it reminds us that we are not perfect. That we have a lot to learn. That the Sausage Creature could be just around the next corner. That we should continually work on getting better. Some familiar twisty roads, some parking lot drill, some classes, some track days, we'll get there. One day. After many many miles. As our comfort level and riding ability allow. We'll get better.

But oh! if only we were like your buddy! Then we would be be able to stand at the top of the mountain as stare down at the ignorant masses. Those pathetic people who have no business thinking they are as great as we are. Losers who think they should be allowed to ride motorcycles when clearly your buddy should be the lone soul allowed to bestow that privilege. But we are not. We are merely . . . trying. Trying to get better. Actively working on it. And wearing gear as a precaution against disaster not as an exoskeleton made of confidence.

Douchebags like this do not help that process. He just took a huge dump on everyone who has given him a helpful tip, everyone who was tolerant of his mistakes when he was new to riding, everyone who rode behind him and corrected him even when they could have gone much faster than him at the time. Everyone who has made him the god's gift to motorcycling he seems to believe himself to be.

In short, your buddy is asshole and I hope I never have the misfortune to share a road with him.

sac

[stopintime]

....................

We are merely . . . trying. Trying to get better. Actively working on it............
...............

sac

Nice balancing post Sac.

My observation though, is that very few riders actually do what your [edited] quote says and that creates danger.

I don't think Boris really means what he writes - he is provocative and makes noise.
Not up to me to decide if this is the way to correct things......

[mitt]

I think he is spot on.

99.9% of accidents are preventable and he lays that out well.

mitt

[DucHead]

I feel sorry for the guy.  It's gotta be rough having a tiny penis.

[Chucko9-696]

he makes up for it w/ the vmax

[Travman]

An somewhat elitist, but at the same time strangely compelling and narcissistic point of view.

[duccarlos]

But I agree with your buddy's thesis that the riders with the most unsafe attire are the most competent.  That's what he said, right?   

I gotz me some skillz then.

[lazylightnin717]

There is a reason why the old saying "never judge a book by it's cover" is an old saying. They are usually true

[orangelion03]

Sacduc:  brilliant response...you managed to express my same thoughts in a far better way than I could.

[The Don]

Those of us that live in the land of Oz know Boris's BS well, he is just like any shock jock radio announcer (but in mag form), yelling and and screaming the same shit over and over to make an name for himself. You know he actually gets paid for this shit. What a make the beast with two backswit.