The worst place youve ever had to "go".

[rgramjet]

Went 4-wheeling and camping this weekend in the mountains of SW VA.  Got to the usual campsite, set up the tents, fire etc.  All the while noticing the ridiculous number and variety of spiders occupying every square moving foot of ground.  Last year I found a black widow under my tent.

Deep woods OFF...... Check!

A few hours later, my friend came back from a short ride on his ATV.  He asked if we heard or saw "it"?  Saw what, we axed??  "The freaking 300 lb black bear that they scared off towards our general direction....."  Greaaaat! 

Short barreled bear repellent......Check!

We cooked some ribeyes with mushrooms and home fries, s'mores for dessert washed down with probably one too many beers.  "Tomorrow morning is going to suck when nature calls", was a good portion of the campfire conversation.......

About 2 am I was awakened by a familiar rumbling........DAMMIIIIIIIIIIT!   






Anyone else caught off guard by an ill-timed bathroom fiasco?

[He Man]

There is one particular brand of Yogurt i LOVE because its tangy and sweet. Its a spanish bodega brand in pina colada flavor. Absolute best. Anyway, the morning of my first trackday, we went to target to pick up some snacks for the whole day. It was about 115degrees that day sunny end of June. Freaking Heatwave of 2010 if anyone remember how bad that one was.

So we check in about 7am, and the noobie group was on the track around 9am shortly after. At about 830 during the safety briefing, I'm snacking on this off brand (actually in this case, im used to off brand, but this was name brand) yogurt.  Just to let it be clear, i am very lactose intolerant. The sight of milk makes me a poo machine, but there are for some reason certain things i can have like the bodega yogurt.

So I'm feeling very very light headed the second we step on the track. I suck it up and figure im just having the jitters. We make a slow 3-4 laps around the track. What was really only 18 minutes felt like an hour going in a meaningless 40mph circle.

The second I got off the bike. I damned myself for getting a size 40 suit. For the life of me I couldnt get it off fast enough. You know that feeling of holding in your piss when your jigginling your keys at the door. You didnt have to pee that badly up the block, but the closer you get to home, the more your ready to just soak your pants in whatever.

I'm running to the bathroom and I'm just about to shit my 1 piece suit. I cant even lie to you how difficult it was to simultaneously hold my shit in, run and try to get my arms out of my suit. By the time I got to the front of the bathroom, i got the suit off but it was dragging on the floor and there was no way i was going to let my brand new Teknic suit drag on poopycock. I grab a 50 gallon garbage bag wrap that sucker up and just barely saved myself from shitting my pants.

i have not eaten yogurt since that day.

[Speedbag]

Not really the worst place, rather the worst I ever had to go:

A co-worker and I were making our way back to MN on I-35 after a week-long work trip to Lawrence, KS.

Much beer was drank on said trip, and our diet wasn't exactly the best the entire time we were there.

Somewhere in deepest, bleakest southern Iowa, my innards began to signal their discontent. "make the beast with two backs," I thought, feeling the churn. No sign of civilization whatsoever.

Miles pass. Then more. In the meantime The Clench of the Buttocks is reaching "bolt cutter" mode. I tell my co-pilot I need to shit. Bad. As in, 'we might be pulling over alongside the make the beast with two backsing interstate and I spray the ditch' bad.

Then we see a 'gas ahead' sign approach. Only a few miles. Sweat pops on my brow.

I take the exit, storming into the derelict gas station like a dirt track stocker on crack, skidding to a stop in the gravel by the pumps. I fling the door open and run. My co-worker can hardly stop laughing as he begins to pump gas while I sprint inside, past the disinterested middle-aged troll in an aged tank top working the counter, to the rest rooms.

My legs trembled as I slammed the dirty stall door shut, and dropped my pants. I didn't even hit the seat, and the deluge began. The bathroom was nasty, like something out of a horror film, but I persevered while hovering, adding my own touch of destruction. The stench was unbearable.

I met my traveling companion at the pump and said we better get the make the beast with two backs out of here before they check the rest room.

And we were gone.

[Charlief]

Roxbury

[rgramjet]

I just woke up my wife I laughed so hard......keep them coming!

[He Man]

you shouldnt be laughing at others misfortunes. had any of these stories happned litterally 5 seconds later, there would be shit everywhere.....litterally. LOL i kid.

[DRKWNG]

Anyone else caught off guard by an ill-timed bathroom fiasco?

Really?  Is this you coming out about your poo fetish?  Or are you just setting the stage to talk about Myles' exploits after Christmas?

[ducatiz]

Ramyeh, in Lebanon.  We were on patrol, and I had some bug.  Latrine on the ad hoc base was basically a hole in the ground with a seat over it.  About 5 years of "work" lying in the pit below.  Toxic waste dump. 

[krolik]

A portapotty WAY overdue for a servicing at Gowan Field Idaho in 110 degree heat after eating army chow & MRE's for a week.

[DRKWNG]

Ramyeh, in Lebanon.  We were on patrol, and I had some bug.  Latrine on the ad hoc base was basically a hole in the ground with a seat over it.  About 5 years of "work" lying in the pit below.  Toxic waste dump. 

Something kind of similar to that when I was down in Niger.  Won't go into too many details, but we'll just say that your nasal hairs were being singed from about a hundred meters away...

[Heath]

Camping is always one for the books.   I was up in Oregon camping with some buddies.  We hadn't seen anyone else for at least 3 days.  Coincidently I hadn't shit for 3 days either.  I knew it was coming just didn't know when.   I wake up one morning about 8 and it was time.  I ran into the forest ready to go.  Kind of forgot which direction we had designated to go in. Whatever no time to think just go.  I am sitting there doing my thing and all of a sudden about 20 ft off a car drives by.  I went a little too far off to the right and got close to the road. fuuuuuck   I was praying they kept driving and weren't going to set up camp near us.  I think the passengers in the back saw me, but hard to tell with the tinted windows.

[ducatiz]

Something kind of similar to that when I was down in Niger.  Won't go into too many details, but we'll just say that your nasal hairs were being singed from about a hundred meters away...

I was never in Maradi or Zinder,  It wasn't me.

[Heath]

Another one, from today actually.  Not sure what I ate but my insides were in pain.  I ran to the bathroom in the sporting goods store we were in.  First stall is kinda dirty.  Try the other one and it is locked.  Weird, I didn't hear anyone else.  Whatever I go back to the first, clean it up a little and sit down.  It is silent.  You could hear a pin drop.  There was no store music in the bathroom.  I am thinking why did they lock the stall.  Either that or this guy is super quiet.  So I kind of bend down and look, sure enough someone was there.  Wow he was quiet.  All of a sudden he lets out a big sigh.  Then back to silence.  I honestly got stage fright and creeped out a little bit.  I didn't even go.  Just left and told my wife I had to get home pronto.

[DRKWNG]

I was never in Maradi or Zinder,  It wasn't me.

No worries.  This one was a bit more than just a hole in the ground.  It was an actual toilet, but the entire HQ of the Nigerien air force used it.  It was in a concrete walled building, with a tin roof and no windows, and only had enough running water for one flush every two days.  Couple that with the fact that it was 130 degrees in the shade and...  

[Mother]

Hurricane Gustav

95mph down some blue hwy between galviston and texarkana

with a vent pt and and a BKA less than an hour old

into a sharps container

fml