Ducati Monster Forum

Havent spotted this yet, so here goes (Again) ;)

I've had one of these!!! ;D

Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks:
10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild

9...Semi trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.

8...Opening your boot includes finding a screwdriver.

7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.

5...The motor is so loud you cant hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.

4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.

3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.

2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or shitbox.

1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured

Warning Adults only past this point  

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
 She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
 

 

Warning Adults only past this point  


2 sperm swimming sids by side.
1 says to the other ,How long till we reach the ovaries mate?
The other says F#%king miles mate we've only just reached her tonsils!

Warning Adults only past this point!!



1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

I think this thread generally should be tagged NSFW (Not safe for work)

Generally most jokes in here could be borderline (or crossing the line)

I've seen some pretty funny forwards of those 'motivation' pics. Here is one i thought you would appreciate

(http://www.intternetti.net/~jiri/motivation/golf.jpg)

nice poster KO, do you have "Ducati: because if you wanted to ride an ugly bike you'd have bought a Suzuki"

anyway:

Man walks into the bedroom with a lamb under his arm, his wife looks up in alarm.

Man proclaims "this is the pig I sleep with when you won't put out"

Wife proclaims "hey, buthead, that's a sheep not a pig"

Man says to wife "I wasn't talking to you!"

I've got three dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack! He was laughing so hard he dropped his goods and staggered out the door.

Stupid pregnant dog...why else would I buy dog food??

For all you fellas who like to find a niche for your women, and the ladies who like to categorise themselves in this computer age??? [thumbsup]
Could go the other way too I guess?? [laugh] [cheeky]


Which Type Of Woman do you like ?

 

·         HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!

·         WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

·         EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

·         SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

·         INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!

·         SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

·         MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

·         CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

·         E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

·         VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing

PFFFFFFFFFFFTTT ;) Here you are ladies!! One for you  ;D [cheeky]


For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like . Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


 
 

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a
Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide
to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
      Who do you guess will win?

      Your answer will reflect your personality.

      So think carefully . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

      Got your answer

      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      Now scroll down to see the analysis.











      If your answer is:





      Lion = you're dull.





      Chimpanzee = you're a moron.





      Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.





      Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.










      A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.



      Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some
time off and relax! Try again next year.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device.

A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."  [laugh] [cheeky]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

������������ MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer or a digital camera�it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Chile,�Honduras, or Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car -�it will go to Japan............

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and bugger all of it will help the Australian economy.
�
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitution and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.

Thank you for your help.

Kevin��Rudd��&��Wayne��Swan .

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE for 2007


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.    

thats gold six [thumbsup]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.
 
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and
your motor cycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want to in heaven.'
 
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with
God.'


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
 
God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'
 
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me....'
 
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
 
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't
you the inventor of woman?'
 
God said, ' Ah, yes.'
 
'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in our invention:
 
1.There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
 
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
 
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results.
 
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
 
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
 

 

 

COMPUTER SPEAK FOR COUNTRY FOLK
 

Log on: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
Log off: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
Download: Getting the firewood off the ute.
Hard drive: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
Keyboard: Where you hang the ute keys.
Window: What you shut when the weather's cold.
Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.
Byte: What mozzies do.
Megabyte: What Townsville mozzies do.
Chip: A bar snack.
Microchip: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
Modem: What you did to the lawns.
Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.
Software: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
Hardware: Stainless steel knives and forks – from K-Mart.
Mouse: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
Mainframe: What holds the shed up.
Web: What spiders make.
Website: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.
Search engine: What you do when the ute won't go.
Cursor: What you say when the ute won't go.
Yahoo: What you say when the ute does go.
Upgrade: A steep hill.
Server: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
Mail server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
User: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
Network: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
Internet: Where you want the fish to go.
Netscape: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
Online: Where you hang the washing.
Offline: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

/////

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD' ?'

Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'

////

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

////

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'

He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'

////

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,

'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
 [roll]

Man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. 
He shouts 'this is a robbery - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. 
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before an older male voice is heard from a distant corner.

'I think my nagging wife caught a glimpse....'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi6pWITEvxk

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home, she puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in  there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy," How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't ., I sold my
baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
Church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

A girl takes her boyfriend home, they go into the bedroom and she immediately suggests that they do 69.

"69? What the hell is that?", the boy asked the girl.

Realizing that he wasn't experienced, she tells him.
"I place my head between your legs and you place yours between mine."

Still not knowing what she was talking about, and not wanting to ruin the moment, the boy agrees.

Just as they get into position, the girl accidentally lets out a big loud and smelly fart.
The boy gagging, and dragging himself out from position, rolls over to one side of the bed surprised at what had just happened.

The girl extremely embarrassed asked him to forgive her, said it would not happen again, and they get back into position. Again, she lets another big one out.

The boy gets up without saying a word, still with a horrifying look in his face begins to get dressed.

"What is wrong? Why are you leaving?", the girl asked.

To which the boy responded. "If you think that I am going to stick around for the other 67 you're f*cked up in the head!"

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2
litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen
tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

What is big, brown and green, has 4 legs, falls out of trees and kills wombats ?
Correct answer will be provided on Friday. Why ? Read this thread's Subject !

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]   [thumbsup]

A billiard table.

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
(Should be "Dickhead" awards??) ;D [roll]

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out
but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store.
The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a
clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and
fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was
closed.
 

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall  lasted 40
 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle..
 He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.  It seems to
be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

thank you dragon i was having a bad day now ive got a smile on my dial  [clap]  [thumbsup]

Your very welcome.  [thumbsup]

You sometimes think these things just have to be bullshit..................... but then?????????????????

Knowing humans, you just never know do ya??? [roll]

.... so it was a bull elephant then ....



Its OK I'm going now.

  [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Dont let the Missus see this!! ;D [cheeky]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "
You
are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is
your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do
it,
and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband
replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and
opened
the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed
says..........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before
the masterpiece.

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?"


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.


Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard
from a distant corner.
�

I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breasts.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Lady, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

good one spider  hhmmm [evil]

bit wrong...
so quote if not too squemish


baby seal walks into a club... that is all

Subject: The Australian Poetry Competition

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.


The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .


The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.

That's my story, and you got it wrong, she was in room 321 (nice jacuzzi in that room too)

(http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm259/andrewb172/GetAttachmentaspx.jpg)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a woman
and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day
for me, and I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!",
 says the woman.
"What a coincidence" says the man.
 As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you
celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today
my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer
and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.  She approached him.
 
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
 
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied,  'Is it a family name?'
 
'No,' she replied.  'I gave it to myself.  It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
 
'What's your name?' she asked.
 
He said, 'B. J. Titsenbikes'
 

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first night together.
 
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
 
She replies, 'No'.
 
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
 
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
 
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
 
She replies, 'No.'
 
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
 
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
 
His mom says, 'No.'
 
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
 
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
 
He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:


'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's
all brand new.'

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

Ding Dong, Dong Ding
Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy.

Poor Timmy.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell
came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up....


......then all the other bells started to ring.

Maybe applicable to more than just the POMS????? ;) [cheeky]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
    Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
    Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
    American shows on a Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
    the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people
    can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
    and a DIET coke.

    Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
    the counters.

    Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
    drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and
    then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
    didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a
    skating rink.

    NOT TO MENTION..

    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. *
    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
    shirts.

    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
    screwdrivers.

    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
    the fairy lights were plugged in.

    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
    decorations were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
    cracker-pulling accidents.

    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
    cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
    trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...

    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
    Scalextric cars.

    and finally...

    In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
    incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

    If you're proud to be British, send this on!*

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of     
                   Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

                   When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The
                   man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman
                   from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
                   her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.'
                  The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and
                   you have no need to confess that.'


                   'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me
                   with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes more.                     
                   The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by
                   doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
                                                                                                                         
                   those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
                   However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
                   forgiven.'

                    'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
                    I do have one more question.'

                     'And what is that?' asked the priest.

                     'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Old Timer Sex


This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

The Irish Pub

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman in a Pub...............

Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's.
The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much
that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman.
'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house'.
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.But he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman ... '
... but it did happen to me sister.'
 

Yes Dear  [roll]

Hmmmm Mental Image is Scary [roll] [puke] :)

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'


It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups

and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and

there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'

Bejaysus and begorrah, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Warning adult content..... :)


You think your day has been bad, imagine this....
You were born a siamese twin.
You are straight.
Your twin is gay
His lover is coming over to stay the night
You've only got one arse between  you.

it gets worse....

he sits down to get comfortable
your brother offers him a drink and serves it to him...
he pulls out a small bottle, chugs down 3 little heart-shaped blue pills
smiles at your brother, looks you dead in the eye and winks!

....and then they slip the Celine Dion CD in to the player to "get in the mood"

and then reaches into your soul and crushes you with only 7 deadly words:

"I brought the ribbed for YOUR pleasure"

Now I am NOT saying the umm fairer sex cant drive but I've heard of similar from some mechanic mates. ;) [roll]

WHAT SMELLS?
 
Maxine took her car to her mechanic.
She told him 'Every time I
Take any of my friends out in my car,
After a while there is this terrible smell !! .   
It never happens when I am driving alone'??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said,
'OK, lets go for a spin
And see what the problem is.'  Off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
At 70 MPH, swerving,
Hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
Narrowly missed three pedestrians in
Pedestrian crossings,
Ran several red lights,
And just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty.
 Then, they returned to the shop, and she said,
'There it is now... there's that terrible smell!  Can you smell it?'

'Smell it?
Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!

This one has been around a while, but Jukie thought Matty would like it:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can
really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out
for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in
five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his brief case and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
 pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get
to work right away.' 'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted

Perhaps you should use Nikon to avoid any confusion  ;D

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females,' he replied.



Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart ?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

My doctor referred me to a urologist.


To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

Hyuk, yuk, yuk. "Doctor its me eyes I'm going blind" ;D [laugh] [cheeky]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out;  both were very       
Faithful and loving wives.  However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on 
Bacardi Breezers.   Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee,
So they stopped in the cemetery. 
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
Undies and use them.                                                       
Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of  undies that   
She did not want to ruin, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a     
Grave that had a wreath with a big ribbon on it,  so she proceeded to use 
The ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet   
And innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other     
Husband and said,  'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop.   I'm   
Starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no undies!'       
'You think that's bad' said the other husband,  'Mine is lying in bed with
A card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station -   
We'll never forget you.'

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will
> > > soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
> > > Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
> > > mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
> > > pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
> > > this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
> > > of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
> > > old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the
> > > new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
> > >
> > > Thought for the day: There is more money
> > > being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
> > > Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
> > > should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
> > > huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
> > > with them.


 [thumbsup] [wine] ;)

A Kiwi bloke buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination........

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.....
 
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.....

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.....



 'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

 

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'


Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays.. 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

 [roll] [roll] [roll] [roll] [roll]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
>>>>> local
>>>>> golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you
>>>>> mind
>>>>> if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and
>>>>> enjoyed
>>>>>
>>>>> The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
>>>>> one of
>>>>> the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'You're joking!' was the response.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
>>>>> beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here
>>>>> are my
>>>>> tools.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the o ther friend, 'Can I
>>>>> take a
>>>>> look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked
>>>>> up
>>>>> the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
>>>>> see
>>>>> right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
>>>>> can
>>>>> See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
>>>>> her......
>>>>> He's naked, too!!!
>>>>>
>>>>> He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
>>>>> the
>>>>> trigger.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Can you do two for me now?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Sure, what do you want?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
>>>>> mouth.'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off
>>>>> to
>>>>> teach him a lesson.'
>>>>>
>>>>> The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
>>>>> a
>>>>> few
>>>>> minutes.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a
>>>>> grand here.....

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'
 
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer..
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't  afford shoes.! 
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon  'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN 'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in  your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than  setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two. 
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Sound advice for these uncertain times!
 
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you
would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
aluminum recycling you would have $214.00.

 [beer]

Based on the above, the best current investment strategy is
to drink heavily and recycle.

 

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.

As he approached the reception desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
 
 
 

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS    [thumbsup]
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one'.  ;D

A lady walks into Tiffany's.  She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.  As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

Dragon, the D16RR version would be more appropriate here ... same plot, different context.

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

Centrelink Office Conversation

A Bogan walked into the centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said,  'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.  You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Centerlink worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.'

 

Very interesting body facts....

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
 
 
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

:

:

:

:

:


:

:

:-))

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs!!

 

Sexual communications for the deaf

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they  find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the  lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

 After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,  the wife figures out a solution.

 She writes:
 Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at  night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left  breast one time.

 If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast  two times.'

 The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if  she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

 If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and  fifty times

 [laugh] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap]

Three parrots are for sale.
They cost $100, $200 and $15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F**k me new pro's!" The girls laugh.
The husband comes home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper  legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding  with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra  pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France) "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
 --------------------------------------------------------------------

And the best one.

This has got to be one of the funniest in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the  time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
Happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big hooters.  [thumbsup]

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

�

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

�

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

�

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

�

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

�

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

�

'Got drunk once and make the beast with two backsed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!

Here is one for the Ladies!!

 HUSBAND'S LETTER

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 60
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
20-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I
shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
 
To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. About my being 60
years old: I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 60 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at
the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 20 years
old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and

Towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.


You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'but for a

Million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'


'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds

Does NOT build its own nest?'


 A: Sparrow

 B: Thrush

 C: Magpie

 D: Cuckoo


I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and

Phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him

The circumstances and repeated the question to him.


'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'


'Are you sure?'


'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and said, 'I'll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.'


'Is that your final answer?'


'Dat it is, Sir.'


There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a

Drink.


'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo

That doesn't build its own nest?


'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
 

 
 
 
 

Vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist 'I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!'


Receptionist says 'No it's just ordinary porn........you sick bastard!'


 [clap] [laugh] ;D [laugh]

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. ....


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.  I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.  So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!'  Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

Top one dannog [thumbsup]

Its been around a while but its a goodie!! ;D [clap]

I've got 2 dogs.  I bought a  large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the  check-out.

A woman behind me asked if  I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting  The Meaty Bites Diet
again,  although I probably shouldn't  because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25  kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of  most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was  essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load  your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every  time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete  so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that  practically everyone in the line was by now
Enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if  I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been  poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road
licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going  to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out  the door.

Stupid pregnant dog...why else would I buy dog  food??

And anothery  [thumbsup]

Soon after Monica had to leave the White House, President Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. She was young and very sexy and before you knew it President Clinton was disarming her with, "Have you seen the Presidential Clock in my office?"

 

Sally replied, "No, Mr. President, I haven't even heard of the Presidential Clock."

 

Bill was right there with, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you!"

 

Sally hesitated and asked tentatively, "Mr. President, with all the problems you've had lately, do you think that's a good idea?"

 

"Of course it is! It's only to see the Clock, Sally!"

 

Bill leads the nervous intern to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them, then drops his pants to the floor, exposing his family jewels to her.

 

Sally, unsure and flustered, exclaims, "Mr. President, that is the Presidential Cock, not the Presidential Clock!"

 

Bill grins at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock!"

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

Dirty Minded Lot Arnt You?? ;D [evil]

yes very much so, but cant help that it in my Jeans hehehehe

Suffering from 'old-timers' Dragon?

Officially I think I need to call Derby or something.

I blame it on shift work Betty ;D

I shouldnt go reading mail and posting stuff after shift at 2am.  ;) I realised I'd dunnit previously as soon as I clicked the moose. [roll]

Ya wanna see the mess I made of my bank account one early morning after working a 12 hour arvo shift?? Trauma plus sorting out that mess. :o

Betty knows what its like im a shift worker too

Days In Hell



One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair,

he has his first meeting with the devil …



Satan: 'Why so glum?'



Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'



Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a

drinking man?'



Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'



Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do

is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink

'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry

about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'



Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'



Satan: 'You a smoker?'



Guy: 'You better believe it'



Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from

all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie,

you're already dead, remember?'



Guy: 'Wow … that's awesome!'



Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'



Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'



Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,

blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't

matter, you're dead anyhow.'



Guy: 'Cool!'



Satan: 'What about drugs?'



Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean …?'



Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day Help yourself to a great big

bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do

all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'



Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'



Satan: 'You gay?'



Guy: 'No…'



Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

THE FACTS OF LIFE LADIES. (But we know you will still insist on trying to change us.  [roll] )

The Efficiency of The Male. [thumbsup]

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

i think i must be more male than female  :-\

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The Federal Government is sending each and every aged pensioner a $1000 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
( Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

Here you are girls !! [cheeky]  And how many guys can relate to thid?? ;D  ;)

Q:


How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?



Woman'sAnswer:


One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this make the beast with two backs'n house knows HOW to change a make the beast with two backs'n light bulb! They
don't even know that the make the beast with two backs'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE make the beast with two backs'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the make the beast with two backs'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME make the beast with two backs'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO make the beast with two backsER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE make the beast with two backs'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE make the beast with two backs'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE make the beast with two backs'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

what are you saying dragon. if it was me i would just get a new light bolb and change it in a few minutes without asking for any bodies help.

(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_12_13.gif)

Heh,heh,heh. Got yer attention, did I ??   ;D  [cheeky]

you will always have my atttention dragon

Jukie likes to watch ??  ;) [cheeky] [evil]

Why we should not flirt!!

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and   said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after  sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him..

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of
me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Hardluck Sailor

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "so, how did you end up with the peg-leg" the sailor asked.. "We were in a storm at sea," replied the pirate."" and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.""Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well ..." replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off. "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eye patch?" A seagull dropping went into my eye," replied the pirate. "you lost your eye to seagull poop? the sailor asked incredulously "Well..." said the pirate," it was my first day with the hook."

This  is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.


 

There is a moral to this story......
(Maybe not the one most of you expect .... so, read on!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One mid-summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream when he said, to no one in particular,


 
'Gosh.if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'
At the same time a fish was in the water thinking,


 
'Gosh.if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
On the riverbank there was a bear thinking,


 
'Gosh.if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly
and I will be able to grab the fish!!'
It also happened that,farther up the bank, a hunter was
sitting on the grass preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself to grab for the fish.
so I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Close by the hunter's foot was a wee mouse thinking,


 
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for the fly.
and that bear grabs for the fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich.'
 A cat lurking in the bushes observed the scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
that particular river around lunch time)


 
'Gosh.if that fly goes down three inches ..
and that fish jumps for the fly ...
and that bear grabs for the fish ...
and that hunter shoots the bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
then I can have mouse for lunch.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By that time the poor fly was finally so hot and dry that he
headed down towards the cooling mist of the water.


So ........ The fish swallowed the fly...


 
the bear grabbed the fish..


 
The hunter shot the bear..


 
the mouse grabbed the cheese sandwich...

the cat jumped for the mouse..
The mouse ducked...


 
and the cat fell into the water and drowned.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW, for the Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,


 
Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love it love it love it

bahah, thanks dragon & jukie top ones to end the working week on!! ;D [thumbsup] - Chris

Christmas Joke   

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

         One says, 'Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?' 

       " SHIT "  says his friend. 'And I just joined Rotary.....'

And then the fight started...
 
======================================================================
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
 
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
 
I bought her a bathroom scales.
 
And then the fight started...
 
====================================================================
 
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....
 
so, I took her to a gas station...
 
And then the fight started....
 
====================================================================
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her  drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
 
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
 
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
 
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
 
And then the fight started...
 
===========================================================
 
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
 
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
 
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
 
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
 
And then the fight started...

(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_19.gif)

  Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


 A bloke walks into a  Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
 
 To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless



Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.     


So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'   


Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.     


God said that He was going to make Adam a companion   


and that it would be a woman. 


He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,   


and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you 


She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,   


and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.


She will praise you!   


She will bear your children.     


and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.   


'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and 


passion whenever you need it.' 


Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'   


God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'   


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?' 


Of course the rest is history............!!!!       [evil] ;D [beer]

 

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

Pilot/ATC Exchanges: .The following supposedly are actual, recorded, pilot/ATC exchanges.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
*******************************************************************


Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
***************************************************************


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f..ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
***************************************************************


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
************************************************************************************


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
*****************************************************************************


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose  Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
***************************************************************************************


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in  Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English. '
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in  Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
**********************************************************************************


Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...

We've already notified our caterers.'
*********** ********************************************************* **


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
**************************************************************************************


The German air controllers at  Frankfurt  Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land.'
***************************************** *************************************************************


While taxiing at  London 's  Heathrow  Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'


'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Heathrow was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

 

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] well done old chap

Some of those really hit the spot!! Particularly when you have a bloody "Prussian" for a boss.  [roll]

Most post this anonamously on the notice board !!  [evil] ;D ;)

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin.

Four hours later I saw the same four men, carrying the same coffin.


Thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

Typical Aussie Male

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands He walks into
a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes
his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the
evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants
to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia .

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'


'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

 The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were
> asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply
> a witty definition.
>
> Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
>
> Billabonk:       to make passionate love beside a waterhole
> Bludgie:           a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
> Dodgeridoo:     a fake indigenous artefact
> Fair drinkum:   good-quality Aussie wine
> Flatypus:           a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
> Mateshit:           all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
> Shagman:        an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
   Yabble:         the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
> Bushwanker:     a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
> Crackie-daks:   'hipster' tracksuit pants.
>
> And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
> Shornbag:       a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Subject: Baptising an Irishman

 Aמ Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
 comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
 He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
 into the preacher.
 The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
 by the
 smell of alcohol,whereupon he asks the drunk,
 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
 The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
 So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
 He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
 The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
 The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the
 water again for a little longer.
 He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
 'Have you found Jesus, me brother?'
 The drunk again answers, 'No,oi haven't found Jesus.'
 By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
 drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down
 for about 30
 seconds and when he begins kicking
 his arms and legs he pulls him up.
 The preacher again asks the drunk,
 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
>
> (Are you ready for this????)
>
>
> The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says
> to the preacher,
> 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

Spaghetti
 
 
 For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
 
 One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
 
 Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
 
 If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
 
 She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
 To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
 
 He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
 
 One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
 "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
 
 "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
 
 The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
 
 On the card was written:
 "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 Three with meatballs, two without.
 Send extra sauce."

hahaha  [laugh]

jukie the jester just whipping them out today are we?

yep why not :D

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
Basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
Areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
Mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
Enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
Cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
On head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
Areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
Making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
Them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and
Surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
The soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk..


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of bath t he whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
Fan on..


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
And make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed

GEE  i think im i guy except for the Willy thing, and that Betty is a girl. (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_12_3.gif)

DON'T FART IN BED       


If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.  The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! 

Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the  bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had Got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'   

'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

Finish this sentance

AS HAPPY AS

(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3210/3115698976_5e7daa69e2_m.jpg)

THANK YOU GUYS!!! Lorved those, in this page! [bow_down] [clap] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] - Chris

One Maori says to another: "hey bro, what's a Hindu?"

  The second Maori replies "lays eggs bro"   ;D

 Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice .......







"Shit, I missed."  [evil]

Her y'are ladies  ;D

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?






It's always erect, Stays up for 12 days and nights, Has cute balls, And looks good with the lights on!

 ;) [beer] (Beer goggles??)

yes yes yes i agree go the xmas tree

(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_2_107.gif)

Thought ya would !!  ;D  [thumbsup]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE



For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:



Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.



As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.



Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.



The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.



'What in bag?' asked the old woman?



Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'



The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.



Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:



'Good trade......'


There you are ladies ( and others  ;) ;D )

i think i should get more for betty than 1 bottle of wine
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/12/12_13_10.gif) (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/12/12_13_10.gif) (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/12/12_13_10.gif) (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/12/12_13_10.gif)

Are you greasing Betty by any chance Jukie??  ;)  [wine]

ssshhh he doesn't know yet  ;)

Four bottles of wine?

I would have got more pigs for you!

The smoker, the alcoholic, & the homosexual


Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss
their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and
one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you
indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would
never again indulge himself in his vice

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the
suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if
you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead." 

[clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap]

very very funny Dragon (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_219.gif)

Dragon, as a blatantly homosexual man, I find that joke to be......simply fabulous !  ;)

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

 

Now Men....Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.   
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.   

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head.


The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

 [roll] ;D [laugh] [clap] [cheeky]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

 
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
     
 
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

 
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'
               
 


 
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   
This is Heaven!'

 
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
                                           
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'


Brrrrrrpppppp!!! [roll]

Thanks guys lorv these on a Firday arvo!! - Chris

To all those under 50 to show them what they have missed!

 Black and White
(Under age 50? You won't understand.)  You could hardly see TV for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Bob.'

Don't forget Skippy


My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayonnaise on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming anywhere instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE.. and risked permanent injury with bare feet instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah .. and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the Castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the three and sixpence bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our backside smacked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbour's house either because if we did, we got our backside smacked on the spot, and then when we got home it happened all over again.

I recall Danny Andrews from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front verandah rail, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and smacked him for being such a fool.

 

It was a neighbourhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

Obviously we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes???

 

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

Well in my case I Did, HA HA HA




 
 

And society has supposedly "PROGRESSED" since then ?? ???


Yeah Right!!! [roll]

I remember all those far to well Jukie....

And to add a few:

I got the cane at school for being a dick.... And deserved it...

Our toilet was a wooden seat over a long drop where you could see what you had just deposited... Never made me crook...

Went bird nesting and put the eggs in my mouth to get them down the tree.... No diseases caught...

Lived on a farm. We slaughter our own meat, hung it in the shed and then ate it..... I'm still alive...

We ate fish we caught in the local bay (you would always catch a feed)...... Try that in Sydney Harbor now...

I swam in the Great Australian Bight with the sharks and rips and survived with no life guards...... You learnt very quickly how to get out of a rip...

Learnt to drive at 8 years old in the wet grassy paddock on the farm. And of course learnt to do "circle work".... Now that's driving skills....

Aaahhh those were the days.... Yea I know... Showing my age but dam I'm proud of it....  [thumbsup]

Ditto Dragon.......

so Trev you actually did this  :o

I swam in the Great Australian Bight with the sharks and rips and survived with no life guards...... You learnt very quickly how to get out of a rip...

Geeeez, all those terrible dangers and germs!!  [roll]

And those horrible games of cowboys and indians with toy guns !! [evil]

Made us such bad, unhealthy, antisocial misfits. [thumbsup]

How ever did we survive and become adults without all that HELP that is available today??  [cheeky] [beer] [evil]

Sure did Julie  ;D ........... Can tell a few stories or two..... Mmmmm one day over a few drinks perhaps  [roll] .......

OOOhh that was in-between blowing shit up with fertilizer mixed with diesel....

so when can i get you drunk ???

i wanna talk explosion with you
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/12/12_1_112.gif)

 [evil]

Credit Crunch - The married version

Husband & Wife go shopping in a large department store, the man picks up a box of Stella & sticks it in the back of the trolley.  "What do you think you're doing?!" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, $20 for 24 cans", he says.  "Put them back, we can't afford it".
 

A few aisles later wife picks up a $40 facecream & puts it in the trolley.
 

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.  "It's my facecream, it makes me look beautiful", she says. 
 

The Husband replies "so does the 24 pack of stella, plus  it's half the make the beast with two backsing price!"

he he he what this face cream stuff anyway , alway go for the aclohol make eberything so much better

Beer goggles ROOOOOOLLL!! [beer]

The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol ma y cau se you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer . Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
 
 

  [beer] [wine] ;D [drink] [clap] [bow_down]

Yeah, we've gonne backwards....  ;D (note following is a parody)

- Now you can't beat on your wife any more... pff womens lib!

- We have to share stuff with coloured folk, lucky i fall into either category

- Vote for the indigenous!!! WTF!

- Atomic bombs! Their safe! [thumbsup]

- Homosexuality is a disease, find a cure by any means!

- Seat belts! Their for poossies!

- It's OK, my kids don't mind getting the sh!t kicked out of them by their father

Yeah, things were sure better back then... - KKK

well geee i get all those warnings all the time without being drunk  :D :D :D :D :D

As of January 2009 Viagra will only be available under its chemical name! When required ask your pharmacist for  'MYCOXAFLOPIN" !!  [thumbsup]  ;D

so Dragon you'll be using this name often? ;D

At my age Missie all help gratefully accepted !!  ;D [evil] [thumbsup] [beer]

your such a stud

you been peeking??  ;)

yeh for sure like to see what my boys have got in there pants (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_2_126.gif)

Fairs fair, we'll show you ours if you'll show us yours.  [cheeky]  [thumbsup]  :o  Hyuk, hyuk,  :-*

i have already done that remember my old avatar with my new ducati shirt with the headlights on

i liked that avata  [evil]

reckon its time for a comeback??? [evil]    ;D [cheeky]   [thumbsup]

best avatar EVER!  ;D

ok guys if you insist

Mmmmmmm ! Pity it doesnt scroll  [evil]  [thumbsup]

i cant find the one i wanted to put up, so this will have to do in the mean time.
And Dragon you are a cheeky bugger ;)

That one Jukie is MORE than adequate !!  ;D snort  ;) Phwoar  [evil]

this is the one i was talking about so you like do you dragon  ;)

A nicely balanced, aestheticly pleasing, well rounded composition worthy of further and intense scrutiny!!  ;D  [thumbsup]

Wot??? Me cheeky?? Nah, surely you must be mistaken??  [cheeky] ;)

...

mistaken you for all the other guys who like this shirt yes maybe but i know what you are thinking  [evil]

Eeeeevillll snigger, heh. But it IS a nice shirt. [cheeky]

yes it fits rather well (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/1/1_4_83.gif)

absabloddyloootly. ;) Is it getting hot in here or is it just me??  [evil]

you may need to have a cold shower that will fix it (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/1/1_4_86.gif)

The avatar is back....long live the avatar.

now all I need is for Ducati to release some red mens board shorts so I can do some self-promotion!

hmmm Spider i love to see your long legs

Jukie, you need to change the wording under your avatar to:

Back by popular demand
Front by popular demand!

ok just for you spidie

Musta been a cold day.  [cheeky]  [bow_down]

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
 

actualy it isn't but i keep on getting ask to put this avartar back on. hhhmmm i wonder why? i hope you guys are enjoying it ;D

good one Dragn, but i didn't realised that Dock was in jail, it must have been the pot he has been smoking.

He's um in the "JOINT" to use a word with multiple meanings ??  ;D  ;)

yes it seems that way
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/1/1_4_114.gif)

 

Church Organist


There was this small church down in  Texas that had a very big-busted
Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. 
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

 She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....


'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol,
we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Heh , I wonder if she wore red T shirts??  [cheeky]  [clap]

 
 

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
 
 
 
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,
 
 
 
  I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
 
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried
really hard.
 
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no
problem.
 
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just
one hand."
 
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
 
  "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

 [drink]  [beer]  [wine]

you really like the red t shirt don't you Dragon

so how strong are you Dragon

I can fold mine onto a matchbox !!  [roll] [thumbsup]

Job Interview in Texas
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>Texas Sheriff
> >>>
> >>>   A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is
> being
> >>>   Interviewed.
> >>>
> >>>   The Sergeant doing the interview says: 'Your qualifications
> all look
> >>> good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
> >>> before
> >
> >>> you can be accepted.'
> >>>
> >>>   Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: 'Take
> this
> >>> pistol
> >>>   and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six
> Muslim
> >>>   Extremists, and a rabbit.'
> >>>
> >>>   'Why the rabbit?'
> >>>
> >>>   'Great attitude,' says the Sergeant. 'When can you start?'

uuummm im not sure if im impressed about your strength,  or not impressed about the size (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_6_2v.gif)

Heh, heh, heh, [evil]

Gotta keep your imagination running.  [thumbsup]

im sure you will need a castle to fit yours in

(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/26/26_35_2.gif)

Subject:      Ah those beautiful flight attendants
A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself:  "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.  But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said    "Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!"
 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty.

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the ute, the boat, riding the Duc or even playing golf or fishing'

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

oooohhhhh Dragon you are going to get yourself into trouble you know that, but not of me  [roll] ;)

Im in trouble with the missus again !
All because I wouldn't open the car door for her.
It wasn't my fault I just panicked and swam to the surface....................

Heh ! I juzz lerv to live dangerously.  [evil]  [thumbsup]  :-*

hhhmmm my sort of person  [evil]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others. He then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............









You'll like this

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
 

Here you Jukie  [thumbsup]  [laugh]

When a Woman Lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked .
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.


'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'
'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

so very true, see we always have good reason for everything [thumbsup]

It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the

hypnotist.exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to

hypnotize

each and every member of the audience.'



  The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique



pocket watch from his

coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a

very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.



 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'



 The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off

its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying

watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell

to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.



 'SHIT' said theHypnotist.



  ... It took three days to clean up the old people's home.

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge man of "non european ancestry" bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

 After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big man of "Non european ancestry". Leaning over towards the "Man of non european ancestry" he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'

 At this the massive "man of non european ancestry" leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

 Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'

 'I'm not sure', the big "man of non european ancestry" replies, 'something about a job..

 [roll]  ;)

Just a bit edited! Snigger, thanks J. [evil]

still laughing dragon maybe i have too much  [wine]

Surely Not ?? ;D  [beer]  [wine]  [drink]  [thumbsup]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW'..........

That's more than twice a week! ...................You could learn a lot from him..'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Trev Trev Trev you should know better, it should be 730 times a year with the same girl  [roll] [evil]

its to get rid of the back pain and whiplash  [wine]  [wine]  [wine]  [wine]

Is that all Jukie, 730 times????   [laugh]  [laugh]

Means this little old man can rest on Sundays now....  [cheeky]  [cheeky]

not if your with me you wont   :) [evil] [laugh]

SSsssoooo many lines...... But I'll let this one go through to the keeper..... While I'm still ahead.....  [cheeky]  [cheeky]  ;D  ;D  8)  8)

Aaaah come on !! The voyeur in me was just getting cooking !  [evil]  ;)  ;D  [thumbsup]

and for you dragon, we will be doing it so much you will have to buy cartons and cartons of the magic blue pills

did you say HEAD really Trev hhhmmmmm

found this in the main forum... effing hilarious

Blinker fluid:
http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=2&products_id=6 (http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=2&products_id=6)

They have so much stuff that I just didn't know I needed.

Thanks for the link Stu.

Who  is your real friend?   ;)




This really works...!    ;D

 
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?    [thumbsup]

ooohhh dragon you are skating on thin ice

Is this better then?? You KNOW I like to live dangerously.  ;D

Sex


The  mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was  having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and  adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family  doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very  wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in  rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put  on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of  condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing  for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her  a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached  over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to  worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'   


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Church

A  man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the  preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a  damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank  you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man  said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five  thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said,  'No shit?'

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Pancakes   
Brenda and Steve took  their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation,  they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in  good health, they were concerned about his rather small  penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently  declared, 'Just feed him    pancakes. That should  solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived  at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm    pancakes in the middle of  the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just  take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your  father'         

so DRAGON do i need to feed for pancakes every day for a year or what  ;) ;D [clap]



Pancakes   
Brenda and Steve took  their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation,  they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in  good health, they were concerned about his rather small  penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently  declared, 'Just feed him    pancakes. That should  solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived  at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm    pancakes in the middle of  the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just  take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your  father'     

Once a week for me is quite adequate thankyou Ms Jukie  she "Of the Formidable T-shirt" !  ;D

God Said, Adam I want you to do Something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?" 


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"


! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Oh dear....."


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said


*


*
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!



*


"What's a headache?"

ooohhhh Dragon if only i could reach you from here  [roll]

Heh, heh, heh. Yes Madame Jukie, I DO need some discipline.  [evil]  ;D

Here I go again Jukie!  [evil]  ;D

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying. 

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for.   I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship..   I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"

she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

 ''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "

yes that would be something i can see Dragon doing

I think I met her.

Her name was Amy.

She liked to toss coasters...

Her Friend, liked to do coke and complain because it was free.

Why are people so unkind ??  [laugh]  [thumbsup]  ;D  [evil]

not unkind just tell the truth Dragon  :D ;D :) [laugh]

Here Y'are Jukie .  [thumbsup]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO ! BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU ! BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

we Dragon have you learnt you lesson now do as the wife asks of you.

NO NEVER !!  [evil]  ;D  [thumbsup]  [cheeky]

Just for you guys and girl  [drink] [wine]


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Tim Tam

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Tim Tams from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
1 bottles of wine (red or white)
1 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Woolworth's cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'





And Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Now yer talking chickie babe !!  [thumbsup]  [clap]  [beer]  [bow_down]

 [thumbsup]
I with you Jukie.  Wholeheartedly agree.

Explain whales cracked me up.   [laugh] [laugh]

We are doomed …..   :o

EVER WONDER where we are headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara  with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? 


AND... 


In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". (And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".. (And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) 


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)  :o

 

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO                                  Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO                                  Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET                   A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET                   A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
                                     
VALUE INVESTING             The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO                         The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER                              What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR             Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST                      Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT                      When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
 
FINANCIAL PLANNER          A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION        The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW                         The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO                                 What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
 
WINDOWS                            What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR  Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT                                 An archaic word no longer in use.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
 
 away.

 She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

 He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a

 resort.

 One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
 climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half
 tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he
 straightened out and cut the water like a knife.


 After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
 we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

 So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

 After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her
 towel and was hardly out of breath.

 He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides
 of the Murray!!!
 [thumbsup] ;D [evil]

see you just cant rush into marriage, you got to play a bit first

Heh, as long as possible.  ;D

When the Dept of Supply withdraws Jollies priveleges then you mat as well be married!?  [roll]  [bang]

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Dazza is driving over the Gateway Bridge one day when he sees his
Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:

'Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?'

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

'G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'.
Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

'Shazza',he says

'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'

And drives off..

dragon lets not encourage this sort of behavour  [roll]

Of course not Jukie sweet!! I wouldnt think of it ??  ;D  [thumbsup]

yes i know you are a very good boy [evil]

Of course, heh, heh, heh, heh,  [evil]  ;)

 A  Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in

                        remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW

                        advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The

                        driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci

                        shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out

                        the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you

                        exactly how many cows and calves you have in your

                        herd, will you give me a calf?'

 

                        The jackeroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,

                        then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and

                        calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

 

                        The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell

                        notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR

                        V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

                        Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite

                        navigation system to get an exact fix on his

                        location which he then feeds to another NASA

                        satellite that scans the area in an

                        ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then

                        opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

                        exports it to an image processing facility in

                        Hamburg , Germany .

 

                        Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm

                        Pilot that the image has been processed and the

                        data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database

                        through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with

                        email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,

                        receives a response. Finally, he prints out a

                        full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

                        miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns

                        to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586

                        cows and calves.'

 

                        'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my

                        calves,' says the Cowboy.

 

                        He watches the young man select one of the animals

                        and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into

                        the trunk of his car.

 

                        Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I

                        can tell you exactly what your business is, will

                        you give me back my calf?'

 

                        The young man thinks about it for a second and then

                        says, 'Okay, why not?'

 

                        'You work for the Australian Government', says the

                        Jackeroo.

 

                        'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how

                        did you guess that?'

 

                        'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You

                        showed up here even though nobody called you; you

                        want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a

                        question I never asked. You used all kinds of

                        expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid

                        for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me

                        you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ..

                        This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

A  fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices  a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the  side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is  wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a  cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely  fire
engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The  fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's  strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.

'Little  colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your  fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I  think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a  moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into  the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't  have a f*cking  siren,  would I?'

see you can mess with little girls can you now Dragon

messing with girls CAN be fun hey Jukie?? Cant It ??  ;)  [thumbsup]  [cheeky]

 i dont know what you means

Uhuh?? Yep ?? Sure?? No worries, uhuh!!  [roll]  [evil]

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

hey its that about you and me dragon

Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. 

------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
Very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
Themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. 

------------------------------------------------------------

An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'   

'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

------------------------------------------------------------ 

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?     
Answer - So the English can understand them.

------------------------------------------------------------ 

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
Announced, 'Not guilty.'     
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?' 

------------------------------------------------------------

Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' 
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

------------------------------------------------------------ 

Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
Vase on the mantle piece?'     
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm  getting closer all the time.' 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?     
A. A bachelor.

------------------------------------------------------------

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
Morning. I can't break her of it.     
Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time?   
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

------------------------------------------------------------ 

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'     
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.     
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' 

------------------------------------------------------------

'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
Improve your wife's appearance?'   
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!' 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon
Waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? 

------------------------------------------------------------

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
And then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Voted best joke in  England  in 2007 

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

' Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!!!!'

The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered





'THE TEETH.'

see how nice it is too share aawwwhhh that is so sweet  :D

See!! I AM a caring. sharing sorta guy !!  [cheeky]  [beer]  [clap]  [thumbsup]

yes you are you share everything with everyone

Hows about an Irish Joke ?? To be sure.!  ;D


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

Thanks guys, i needed that  [laugh]. - Chris

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.


There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

 

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'OK, get in the car with it.'

The wife says,’ Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?' asked the wife.

He says, 'Just hold its little nose'.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

Never Tick Off A Nurse!
 

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
"Not with a carnation."

Very Good Jukie.  [thumbsup]  [clap]  [bow_down]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.
 
After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant??!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably fishing with his mates.”

It took quite some time to restore order in the lecture room.

DATING PROBLEMS

WHITE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only but only when
she wants to and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:


First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:


First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.   

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her
two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier   

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is shot dead.
No third date!!!

FAMOUS QUOTES

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
 
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
 
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
 
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
 James Holt McGavra
 
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
 
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
 
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
 
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
 
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
 

There are some definite truisms there in that little lot.  [thumbsup]  [roll]  [evil]

Important Information on the Stimulus Payment


"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
 This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
Format:


 "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
 "A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
 "Q. Where will the government get this money?
 "A. From taxpayers.
 "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
 "A. Only a smidgen.
 "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
 "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
       High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
 "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
 "A. Shut up."
_____________________________________________
 
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:


 If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
 If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
 If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
 If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or
New Zealand (unless you buy organic).
 If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
 If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
 And none of it will help the economy.
 We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by
Spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on
Prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' 

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

     
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 

-  Mark Twain

 

 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.'
- George Burns   
 
     
Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge
 
     
By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates 

 

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

-Groucho Marx
     

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor 
 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 

- Alex Levine
 
     
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 

- Rodney Dangerfield 
 
     
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

- Spike Milligan
 
     
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 

- Joe Namath
 
     
I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 

- Bob Hope
 
     
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 

- W. C. Fields
 
     
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 

- Will Rogers
 
   
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

- Sir Winston Churchill
 
     
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.   

- Phyllis Diller
 
     
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   

- Billy Crystal   
 


 

i have a ROSE named after me, that is my middle name

Aaaah Jukie, are you saying you are a Rose amongst so many pr*#ks, errr aaahm I mean thorns ??  ;D  [evil]

no iam a ROSE between all the wonderful guys on the DMF

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know  what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'   She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'   It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
 

already got this one about a week ago dragon

I cant remember that far back !!  [roll]

Sheeeesh ! ;D

What was your name again girlie??  [cheeky]

so you have now done Vince's trick and forgetting my name, Gee you guys are good.  [roll]

So, here's the story. . .
   
 
   
   
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 
 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
 
   
   
 Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing

out a spouse was $5,000.
 
 
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
 
 
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.  However, as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
before he could even leave the store.
 
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 (You're going to hate me for this ... )
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS

ooohhh dear was a bit poor

Well then, hows about this one?  ;D 

Patrick was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland.  Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.  He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Patrick did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.  One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.   They rowed out and found Patrick dead in the punt; beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.  Headlines next day in the newspaper, the 'Irish Times’ said ... Wait for it!

 


Wait for it!


Wait for it!


************************


OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

 
 

oooohhh dear they are just getting bad now  [roll]

Well ok, have a look at this one then  ;)  ;D

Hypnosis


A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having.

All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Dragon you must keep these things to yourself or you will end up dead.

Aaaah so I am being threatened now, am I ??  ;D

Haaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaahhaaaa !!  [evil]

no no no i just dont want to see you dead, i dont have a problem with it, i think it is very funny  [clap] [laugh]

Whats the difference between a pizza and a stock broker




A pizza can feed a family of four.

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
 
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!  When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me wa iting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so
turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at grandma's. I
took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a
tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

I wont comment on that thanks Trev

 On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
The dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.  [thumbsup]