ok i need some help on this situation my girlfriend has an ex that is trying to get back together with her, she still works for his parents. i find myself wanting to kill this individual, but i cant. whats the best way to deal with him and somehow keep myself from sticking foot in mouth for her?
Be the bigger man. Talk to her first before you say anything to him. Then, just politely pull him aside and tell him that she finds his advances unwanted and he needs to stop. Don't give any "or else" types of ultimatums. Don't raise your voice, don't posture...
ive been doing that stuff, untill tonight when he let himself into our house without asking while nobody was around and fixed our oven springs after i told him not to. that was kinda the final straw. oh and did i also mention that he is a recovering pain killer addict with abusive tendancys [bang]
Quote from: tcspeedfreak on December 19, 2009, 05:17:47 PM
ive been doing that stuff, untill tonight when he let himself into our house without asking while nobody was around and fixed our oven springs after i told him not to. that was kinda the final straw. oh and did i also mention that he is a recovering pain killer addict with abusive tendancys [bang]
How did he get in?
Also, have you spoken to her about it? She may not want you to do anything.
Quote from: MrIncredible on December 19, 2009, 05:21:19 PM
How did he get in?
Also, have you spoken to her about it? She may not want you to do anything.
we left the door unlocked, small town usually no issues plus her son was out and about without his house key bottom line is i didnt even think about it
now the other question, shes tired of it, shes discussed it with him before but he doesnt get the point, im trying to be the better man about the whole thing but getting frusterated
Let him know that regardless of what his intentions were in the house, he entered it illegally. Let him know that the next time he does it, you will have no choice but to call the police...
I have no good advice-the parents employing your woman makes it complicated.
I would, however, lock the doors.
How did he know about the oven? You guys very much need to stop talking to him, and sever ties.
Quote from: MrIncredible on December 19, 2009, 05:37:53 PM
sever ties.
tell her to get a different job. cut all ties.
If she doesn't, break up with her until she does.
I've dealt with the same thing (except for the job), tried to deal with it and give her the benefit to cut all ties, cause she was stilled emotionally tied. She, didn't, so i dropped her till she ended it. She finally cut it off and we got back together.
Yeah, gotta agree. Time for her to hit Monster.com (that's resume's not Ducatis).
He's her past, if she wants a future with you she needs to leave that behind.
I'm not the jealous type but I don't allow contact with ex's, never ends well. I know because I've been the ex to many times to count.
thanks for all the help i think i know what i gotta do, kill the little make the beast with two backsing bastard [evil], just kidding
He will need whatever time ne needs to get over her. Shorter if all connections are cut, longer if they are not.
"Coming between them" in a violent way will make him blame you for keeping them apart and it won't allow him to get over her.
She needs to be very clear, both to you, his family and him. So do you.
Quote from: stopintime on December 20, 2009, 04:17:15 AM
He will need whatever time ne needs to get over her. Shorter if all connections are cut, longer if they are not.
"Coming between them" in a violent way will make him blame you for keeping them apart and it won't allow him to get over her.
She needs to be very clear, both to you, his family and him. So do you.
+1.
Doesn't sound like your girlfriend has tried all that hard to keep him from being around............
If she has, she would have a restraining order against him.
If there is a history of drug abuse and violence (did he ever hit her?), pretty sure a restraining order might be easy to get, but I am no lawyer.
honestly first off lock the doors and windows when you are not there. small town or not, haven't you learned nobody can be trusted, you leave 100 dollar bill on the street no matter how "honest" peopel are someone will take it. same thing ywith your house, small town or not, lock the doors and windows when not there, people are not inherently honest otherwise we wouldn't need the police or laws.
say nothing to him or her, its her ex she has to deal with it. honestly this is one thing she has to take care of.
just like if you had an ex its something you have to take care of, it wouldn't be her responsibility to talk to your ex right?
however, if the guy ever touches any of your personal property, then that is when the line is crossed.
Quote from: cyrus buelton on December 20, 2009, 06:44:24 AM
Doesn't sound like your girlfriend has tried all that hard to keep him from being around............
If she has, she would have a restraining order against him.
If there is a history of drug abuse and violence (did he ever hit her?), pretty sure a restraining order might be easy to get, but I am no lawyer.
shes had several restraining orders against him, hes also spent time in jail for hitting her. as soon as the restraining orders expire he shows up again, he is just that dense he doesnt get the point
Quote from: tcspeedfreak on December 20, 2009, 07:30:27 AM
shes had several restraining orders against him, hes also spent time in jail for hitting her. as soon as the restraining orders expire he shows up again, he is just that dense he doesnt get the point
That was my point, that he doesn't get the point - maybe he thinks some outsiders (police?)(you?) keep them apart....
I think she should face him, just that ONE last time, calmly laying it out very clearly for him. If she needs to, let her do it with his parents and/or you by her side. It will not be pleasant for him, but he might get a fresh idea of "the point".
This whole thing has a dangerous potential. Be careful. Have you talked to the police or someone with some REAL experience in dealing with situations like this?
Quote from: stopintime on December 20, 2009, 08:50:50 AM
This whole thing has a dangerous potential. Be careful. Have you talked to the police or someone with some REAL experience in dealing with situations like this?
a very little bit, the local PD wants him locked up for good, but they can never catch him doing anything that they can lock him up for a long period of time for though.
spoon
unless this is the woman of your dreams....
run and don't look back.
Quote from: ducpainter on December 20, 2009, 10:05:00 AM
unless this is the woman of your dreams....
run and don't look back.
even if she is....run.
I call bullshit on her. If one wants to sever ties it's not hard. Restraining orders and working for his folks just don't mix... saying wanting nothing to do with him but he knows something needs to be fixed in the house? and does it !?!?
she's your gf not wife right? Is house owned or rented? Whose name is it in?
This is a relationship and legal nightmare. leave. move out of town...far. If she comes along great.
And not to be an ass...but from the description you worte sounds like she's still sleeping with him anyway.
Quote from: Statler on December 20, 2009, 10:12:52 AM
she's still sleeping with him anyway.
Agreed. Maybe not often, but often enough for this guy to think there is a possibility of getting her back.
Quote from: Statler on December 20, 2009, 10:12:52 AM
.................
.....................
And not to be an ass...but from the description you worte sounds like she's still sleeping with him anyway.
Where did that come from? [roll]
Quote from: Travman on December 20, 2009, 10:41:25 AM
Agreed. Maybe not often, but often enough for this guy to think there is a possibility of getting her back.
It doesn't have to include ongoing sex for a man to act like this?
gona be an ass and agree with she's sleeping with him
man, ya gotta end this relationship NICELY, cause if you hurt her... she knows someone who is a lawbreaker and she'll get her revenge.
leave town. take off, find a new life.
Quote from: Raux on December 20, 2009, 12:10:40 PM
..................
leave town. take off, find a new life.
In Germany? ;D
Quote from: stopintime on December 20, 2009, 12:12:15 PM
In Germany? ;D
nah, don't bring troubles my way, got enough of my own.
I agree with Statler.
common sense, and years of doing domestic violence legal work.
Check the public records in your state too (criminal and civil crap like protective orders are public...and many states have searchable online for ease)....I bet her level of attempting to get him away was lots of temp orders with no follow through....just enough to get his attention. Oh there will be lots of good reasons for never having it in place for a year....but......
kind of like the attention you're now getting roped into providing to the situation...
Quote from: stopintime on December 20, 2009, 12:03:47 PM
It doesn't have to include ongoing sex for a man to act like this?
True.
SpeedFreak, you'll have to let us know how it turns out this time next year.
Quote from: stopintime on December 20, 2009, 12:03:47 PM
It doesn't have to include ongoing sex for a man to act like this?
nope...guess not.......but it does need the other party to be complicate.
It would be very easy, in the greater picture of things, for her to remove this guy from her life. But she hasn't. It is very difficult to impossible, for the new BF to remove old BF from her life...no matter what she says. It's just not in his purview.
The fact that he was in the house and he's not in jail and/or you two aren't now living in a different state is a problem. Doesn't matter if door was unlocked.
There's more going on here.
i was going to suggest an old fashion beat down...
but after reading, and agreeing with Statler's wisdom...
she probably isn't worth it.
just run.
far.
away.
Quote from: Statler on December 20, 2009, 10:12:52 AM
even if she is....run.
I call bullshit on her. If one wants to sever ties it's not hard. Restraining orders and working for his folks just don't mix... saying wanting nothing to do with him but he knows something needs to be fixed in the house? and does it !?!?
she's your gf not wife right? Is house owned or rented? Whose name is it in?
This is a relationship and legal nightmare. leave. move out of town...far. If she comes along great.
And not to be an ass...but from the description you worte sounds like she's still sleeping with him anyway.
I was trying to be a good boy in my post to not get myself in trouble, but you about took the words straight out of original post.
She wants him around. If she didn't want him around, she'd take care of it.
I agree with Statler, she is probably still make the beast with two backsing him.
Quote from: cyrus buelton on December 20, 2009, 03:38:50 PM
I agree with Statler, she is probably still make the beast with two backsing him.
There goes the good boy. ;)
Quote from: Statler on December 20, 2009, 01:38:51 PM
common sense, and years of doing domestic violence legal work.
Check the public records in your state too (criminal and civil crap like protective orders are public...and many states have searchable online for ease)....I bet her level of attempting to get him away was lots of temp orders with no follow through....just enough to get his attention. Oh there will be lots of good reasons for never having it in place for a year....but......
kind of like the attention you're now getting roped into providing to the situation...
Statler has much more experience in this then I ever will, but my bro was an assistants states attorney for 5 years and from my man conversations on the topic, I would agree 100% with the above.
Quote from: DRKWNG on December 20, 2009, 03:40:37 PM
There goes the good boy. ;)
It's the holidays; I was trying to be nice and sincere.
Guess I have turned into a pussy in my later board years and lost that blunt, to the point, assholeness.
However.........I have only received a 30-day ban since the DMF inception, so I am doing good.
I know, and it's all good. Just busting your chops there mate.
ok only one more tidbit of information i forgot to mention earlyer she dated him for like 8 years and he was pretty much the father to her 11 year old son.
not that im trying to make excuses but just seeing if anybodys views change being that there is a kid involved.
Run man. Seriously, you need to get out of that situation before it turns ugly. And it will turn ugly.
but not his kid right?
where is real dad and what's his story?
edit: mind is I ask how old she is (noticed you're 22).
so your gf has an 11 year old child and an ex who has been like the kid's dad or 8 years, but the ex used to hit her and she has had some protective orders in place for that at some point and she still works for his folks and the three of you talk a lot so he knew your stove needed to be fixed so he just came into your home and did it, and he still has a thing for her?
no....you didn't change my opinion knowing there's a child involved.... [laugh]
you're making this up to keep us interested during the snowstorm right?
If that's your boat in your avatar, you don't have to worry about finding another girl. :D
Quote from: tcspeedfreak on December 20, 2009, 07:30:27 AM
shes had several restraining orders against him, hes also spent time in jail for hitting her. as soon as the restraining orders expire he shows up again, he is just that dense he doesnt get the point
From years of working with these guys, it's my opinion that the problem is not that they don't "get the point." It's that they simply don't give a shit.
Guys like you're describing are willing to push things much farther than normal people and to take risks the rest of us won't consider. Punishment means little or nothing to them, and negative attention (arrests, etc.) is perfectly acceptable to them. They have an astonishing ability to misinterpret evidence that disagrees with the way they want things to be (all those restraining orders don't mean a thing - she really wants me").
I've also worked with countless women who become and stay involved with these guys. The ones who really don't want a relationship get out and stay out, whatever it takes. The rest keep dancing around for years. Despite what they say, deep down they often believe the guy can and will change if the woman only tries hard enough.
I don't give relationship advice to anyone, including my patients, and you shouldn't take any from people over the internet. What you should do is to look at the evidence you have about the people in this story and how likely the situation is to change in a way that's likely to work out for you, then make the best decision you can.
Quote from: kopfjäger on December 20, 2009, 04:15:59 PM
If that's your boat in your avatar, you don't have to worry about finding another girl. :D
It looks like that boat is half sunk.
I had a girlfriend with an ex that still wanted to be in the picture. She didn't mess around once he pushed it too far. She wanted him gone and let everyone including him know it.
Quote from: Travman on December 20, 2009, 04:28:54 PM
It looks like that boat is half sunk.
Big engine/engines make it look that way. [evil]
how much of this situation did you know before you got involved with her?
If you had prior knowledge you ought to be asking yourself why you allowed the drama in.
run.
lots of hot ass out there to bang.
get a chick without so much luggage.
Quote from: cyrus buelton on December 20, 2009, 03:42:47 PM
Statler has much more experience in this then I ever will, but my bro was an assistants states attorney for 5 years and from my man conversations on the topic, I would agree 100% with the above.
It's the holidays; I was trying to be nice and sincere.
Guess I have turned into a pussy in my later board years and lost that blunt, to the point, assholeness.
However.........I have only received a 30-day ban since the DMF inception, so I am doing good.
same thing happened when i had my rotty fixed ;D
and back on topic...
this is starting to sound like a pillar story [thumbsup]
Quote from: CapnCrunch on December 20, 2009, 04:45:52 PM
lots of hot ass out there to bang.
Hot ass is not for everyone. Only for those who are attractive in some way, confident, or bold. All others have to bang cold ass.
Quote from: CapnCrunch on December 20, 2009, 04:45:52 PM
lots of hot ass out there to bang.
get a chick without so much luggage.
oooooorrrrrr.....lots of people who want to act like adults and work together as a partnership to make life more enjoyable for two travelling together than as one solo.
but yeah....same idea. ;)
Quote from: Statler on December 20, 2009, 05:14:19 PM
oooooorrrrrr.....lots of people who want to act like adults and work together as a partnership to make life more enjoyable for two travelling together than as one solo.
but yeah....same idea. ;)
Hey hey, wait a minute. Just because I'm not married doesn't make me enjoy life less. :D
Quote from: kopfjäger on December 20, 2009, 05:19:55 PM
Hey hey, wait a minute. Just because I'm not married doesn't make me enjoy life less. :D
no doubt. You're also not posting up miserable ex bf messing with your happiness threads.
[beer]
Quote from: Statler on December 20, 2009, 05:27:23 PM
no doubt. You're also not posting up miserable ex bf messing with your happiness threads.
[beer]
That's because I just kill them. :D
thank you everybody for your input, sounds like i need to just sit down and look at my priorities. what i want, where i want to be, ect. mstevens i really like what you said but i think that the best thing to do now is lock this thread. but i dont know how or if i can, statler you think you could help me out?
Quote from: kopfjäger on December 20, 2009, 04:15:59 PM
If that's your boat in your avatar, you don't have to worry about finding another girl. :D
oh and no its not my boat but one of the boats i work on, its so heavy in the ass due to the twin supercharged 540ci engines making about 800hp a piece
Quote from: tcspeedfreak on December 20, 2009, 05:48:01 PM
thank you everybody for your input, sounds like i need to just sit down and look at my priorities. what i want, where i want to be, ect. mstevens i really like what you said but i think that the best thing to do now is lock this thread. but i dont know how or if i can, statler you think you could help me out?
Scroll to the bottom of your post.
Really?? why would you lock out a potentially good suggestion?