Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

[EGAS1]

Centrelink Office Conversation

A Bogan walked into the centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said,  'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.  You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Centerlink worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.'

 

[dragonworld.]

Very interesting body facts....

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
 
 
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

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:-))

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs!!

 

[dragonworld.]

Sexual communications for the deaf

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they  find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the  lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

 After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,  the wife figures out a solution.

 She writes:
 Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at  night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left  breast one time.

 If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast  two times.'

 The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if  she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

 If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and  fifty times

[bazz20]

 

[Super T.I.B]

Three parrots are for sale.
They cost $100, $200 and $15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F**k me new pro's!" The girls laugh.
The husband comes home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".

[dragonworld.]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper  legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding  with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra  pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Super T.I.B]

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."

[Dannog]

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France) "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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And the best one.

This has got to be one of the funniest in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[dragonworld.]

THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the  time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
Happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big hooters. 

[Dannog]

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[dragonworld.]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

�

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

�

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

�

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

�

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

�

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

�

'Got drunk once and make the beast with two backsed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!

[dragonworld.]

Here is one for the Ladies!!

 HUSBAND'S LETTER

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 60
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
20-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I
shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
 
To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. About my being 60
years old: I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 60 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at
the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 20 years
old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

[bazz20]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and

Towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.


You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'but for a

Million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'


'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds

Does NOT build its own nest?'


 A: Sparrow

 B: Thrush

 C: Magpie

 D: Cuckoo


I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and

Phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him

The circumstances and repeated the question to him.


'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'


'Are you sure?'


'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and said, 'I'll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.'


'Is that your final answer?'


'Dat it is, Sir.'


There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a

Drink.


'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo

That doesn't build its own nest?


'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
 

 
 
 
 

[dragonworld.]

Vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist 'I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!'


Receptionist says 'No it's just ordinary porn........you sick bastard!'