Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first night together.
 
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
 
She replies, 'No'.
 
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
 
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
 
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
 
She replies, 'No.'
 
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
 
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
 
His mom says, 'No.'
 
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
 
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
 
He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

[dragonworld.]

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:


'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's
all brand new.'

[dragonworld.]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

[dragonworld.]

Ding Dong, Dong Ding
Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy.

Poor Timmy.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell
came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up....


......then all the other bells started to ring.

[dragonworld.]

Maybe applicable to more than just the POMS??

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
    Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
    Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
    American shows on a Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
    the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people
    can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
    and a DIET coke.

    Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
    the counters.

    Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
    drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and
    then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
    didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a
    skating rink.

    NOT TO MENTION..

    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. *
    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
    shirts.

    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
    screwdrivers.

    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
    the fairy lights were plugged in.

    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
    decorations were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
    cracker-pulling accidents.

    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
    cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
    trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...

    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
    Scalextric cars.

    and finally...

    In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
    incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

    If you're proud to be British, send this on!*

[dragonworld.]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of     
                   Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

                   When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The
                   man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman
                   from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
                   her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.'
                  The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and
                   you have no need to confess that.'


                   'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me
                   with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes more.                     
                   The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by
                   doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
                                                                                                                         
                   those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
                   However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
                   forgiven.'

                    'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
                    I do have one more question.'

                     'And what is that?' asked the priest.

                     'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[dragonworld.]

Old Timer Sex


This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[dragonworld.]

The Irish Pub

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman in a Pub...............

Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's.
The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much
that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman.
'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house'.
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.But he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman ... '
... but it did happen to me sister.'
 

[mylittleduc]

Dont let the Missus see this!!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "
You
are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is
your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do
it,
and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband
replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and
opened
the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed
says..........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before
the masterpiece.

Yes Dear 

[dragonworld.]

Hmmmm Mental Image is Scary

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'


It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups

and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and

there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'

Bejaysus and begorrah, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

[brimo]

Warning adult content.....


You think your day has been bad, imagine this....
You were born a siamese twin.
You are straight.
Your twin is gay
His lover is coming over to stay the night
You've only got one arse between  you.

[Spider]

it gets worse....

he sits down to get comfortable
your brother offers him a drink and serves it to him...
he pulls out a small bottle, chugs down 3 little heart-shaped blue pills
smiles at your brother, looks you dead in the eye and winks!

[brimo]

....and then they slip the Celine Dion CD in to the player to "get in the mood"

[Spider]

and then reaches into your soul and crushes you with only 7 deadly words:

"I brought the ribbed for YOUR pleasure"

[dragonworld.]

Now I am NOT saying the umm fairer sex cant drive but I've heard of similar from some mechanic mates.

WHAT SMELLS?
 
Maxine took her car to her mechanic.
She told him 'Every time I
Take any of my friends out in my car,
After a while there is this terrible smell !! .   
It never happens when I am driving alone'??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said,
'OK, lets go for a spin
And see what the problem is.'  Off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
At 70 MPH, swerving,
Hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
Narrowly missed three pedestrians in
Pedestrian crossings,
Ran several red lights,
And just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty.
 Then, they returned to the shop, and she said,
'There it is now... there's that terrible smell!  Can you smell it?'

'Smell it?
Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!