not allowed to ride

[Popeye the Sailor]

I can only hope, while you were stuck in a wheelchair with a computer, while she went through all of this...


That you bought her a nurses outfit.

[Speedbag]

A few years ago I might have agreed with the prevailing opinions here - but not anymore.   When you’re married, you’re in it together.  I’ve been an adrenalin junkie my whole life and if my wife sincerely had a problem with my risk taking, I would stop.  I’ve ridden for over thirty years. Riding a motorcycle is a selfish act. When you make the beast with two backs up, the people that love you are the ones that pay the price.

I had a bad moto wreck just over two years ago.  I took the day off from work on a beautiful autumn day to take a nice ride down to Yellowstone.  I’ve had a lot of close calls but this was the first time that I ever really had to suffer serious consequences.  I’m still not quite sure what happened but my injuries included a shattered pelvis (open book pelvic fracture), a perforated bladder, and a collapsed lung.  I would’ve been instantly dead except I had good gear on – the front and sides of my full-face helmet were badly gashed.  I very nearly died because of a split second lapse but my wife suffered more than I did.

Kathy had just gotten home from work when she got the call about my wreck.  By the time she drove the 30 miles to the Livingston hospital she was able to see me come in on the ambulance.  She saw them bringing in boxes of blood and the rush of activity.  I was completely out but she held my hand and talked me through it as the ER docs tried to stabilize my condition.  We knew some of the firefighters and paramedics that brought me in and she knew from their behavior that I was in trouble.  She watched them load me onto a life flight helicopter to go to a more advanced hospital.  She couldn’t ride along on the helicopter so she had to drive for three hours in the dark to Billings, not knowing if I’d be alive when she got there.

She was told by the doctors in Billings that I was “pretty messed up” with severe internal bleeding and they couldn’t do anything or even know how badly I was injured until the bleeding was under control.  They weren’t even sure if they could stop the bleeding.  They told her not to leave the hospital – just in case.  She spent the rest of that night in the hospital chapel with her best friend.  Early the next morning, she overcame her fears and checked in the ICU to find that I was gone.  To her relief, they had just taken me out to do some imaging.  

Three days later they were finally able to do the first of six operations that were to occur over the next year.  I woke up in the ICU and Kathy was holding my hand and I could not believe that I’d been in a wreck until she pointed out that I was on a respirator, wearing a neck brace with tubes sticking out my neck and chest. I had no memory of the wreck and she told me how serious it was but also that I’d be OK in the long run.  She then just talked about the places we’d traveled as I fell asleep again.

She took the first two months off from work to take care of me.
She stayed in a hotel to be with me during my three-week hospital stay
She again stayed in a hotel to be with me during the next two weeks of rehab.
She watched me swell up with over 60 pounds of fluid weight gain.
She helped me roll onto my stomach for the first time in four weeks after the wreck.
She rearranged our house to accommodate my hospital bed and my wheelchair when I was finally able come home.
She woke up to check on me through each night.
She changed my dressings and cleaned the wounds.
She massaged and ace wrapped my legs every night to prevent clots.
She organized and administered the numerous meds I had to take.
She shoveled the deep snow off our deck so that she could roll me in my wheelchair down the ramp that the guys on the fire department made so I could get to countless doctors and therapists appointments.
She loaded me into the truck each time I had to go somewhere and hefted the wheelchair into the back.  
She drove me over 150 miles each way for some of the appointments.
She spent countless hours in waiting rooms.
She helped me with my physical therapy and stretching.
She emptied my catheter urine bag multiple times a day.
She gave me sponge baths every day and cleaned around my catheter.  Note that my junk was badly swollen and gross looking as well – imagine a fat potato sticking out of a softball.
She emptied the urine bottles that I had to use for months once the catheter was removed about six weeks after my wreck.
She helped me get onto the bedside commode and, because my arm was in a cast and I was unable to bend, she wiped my ass and emptied the pot when I was done.
She gave me enemas because I was so badly constipated from the pain meds.
She drove me to the ER as I was screaming in pain and passing out because a MRSA infection was forcing the steel plates and screws from my pelvis.
She went pale when she learned about MRSA.
She waited through more surgeries that were needed because of the infection that probably resulted from the first operation that saved my life.
She helped me with IVs that I now needed twice a day to fight the MRSA infection.
She made several trips to the pharmacy to pick up all of my meds including forking out $4,500 for a one-month supply of antibiotic for MRSA when the IVs weren’t effective.
She went back to work and still did everything around the house.
She never complained about money.
She never complained about forgoing any kind of sex life for so long.
Even though I had a home nurse coming in, she set me up each morning before she went to work.  It broke her heart to leave me home alone in my wheelchair.
On her way to work, she would cry as she drove.
She was constantly positive and strong - when things were bad, she never let me see her cry.
She did let me see her cry when she saw me take my first feeble steps again five months after the wreck.
She never blamed me for anything.

She also never asked me to give up riding although she has every right after everything I put her through.
I get the urges and I’ll probably ride again, but for now, I’d feel like a complete dick if I got on a bike.

Like I said earlier, riding a motorcycle is a selfish act.  We can talk about freedom and independence.  Remember that your loved ones have a huge stake in it too.  Trust and respect goes both ways.  

She's pretty hot too.

Yikes. 

That right there, coupled with my recent debacle, almost makes me want to hang riding up altogether - with no external influence.  

[Scottish]

I went with money and really hot. So far, so good.

Well... there are exceptions. 

[RetroSBK]

Events like that... hell any crash is a part of the "risk management" we all undertake when we ride. Ive had a couple of bad crashes, none that bad injury wise, but from each crash, my first and most prevalant thought when I am healing up is "how long til I can ride"

I think that no matter how bad the injury, I would always seek to return to riding... If I couldnt ride, I dont think I would want to be here.


I could always get another wife or girlfriend, but motorcycling is a way of life.

[sroberts152]

Events like that... hell any crash is a part of the "risk management" we all undertake when we ride. Ive had a couple of bad crashes, none that bad injury wise, but from each crash, my first and most prevalant thought when I am healing up is "how long til I can ride"

exactly

[Johnny OrganDonor]

Events like that... hell any crash is a part of the "risk management" we all undertake when we ride. Ive had a couple of bad crashes, none that bad injury wise, but from each crash, my first and most prevalant thought when I am healing up is "how long til I can ride"

I think that no matter how bad the injury, I would always seek to return to riding... If I couldnt ride, I dont think I would want to be here.


I could always get another wife or girlfriend, but motorcycling is a way of life.

I know.  While I was laying in my hospital bed a couple weeks after my wreck, I was on-line researching mods to adapt an older (ungoverned) Hayabusa for sport touring.  But then the pain meds wore off and reality set in.  I could list more of the grisly details that no one tells you about but, in short, recovery was going to take a long time.  

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from riding.  It's a personal decision.  I totaled my Monster but I still have other bikes.  I still own my first motorcycle.  I want to ride again.  There's nothing else quite like it.  My wife gets that.  She and I have talked about it and she's supportive but also says honestly that she'd worry every time I left the driveway.  How could I do that to her?  She means more to me than anything.

I've been very lucky over the years, but I can't promise her that I'll never wreck again.  I've been riding for over thirty years.  I'm a competent rider.  The conditions on the day I wrecked were perfect.  I knew the road.  I knew the hazards.  There was no traffic.  Bike was perfect.  Good gear etc, etc.  Hell, my riding partner was even an EMT.  Risk mangement doesn't get any better but I'll never know exactly what happened.

Whether we deserve it or not, it matters to some people if we're here or not.  I know that others here have had bad wrecks and lost friends and spouses.  I've lost good friends in climbing and high-angle skiing accidents - I miss them every day.  It's really no consolation to say "at least they died doing something they loved."  

I was damn lucky - all along, I knew that I would get better.  I'll never get back to 100% and I won't be able to do some things at the level that used to but I did dodge some pretty nasty lifelong consequences.  Think about not being able to walk, or having to insert a catheter into your penis every time you needed to empty your bladder, or a total loss of sexual function, or chronic pain.  In your "risk management," be sure to account for all of the costs.  The price you pay may be fine for you but think about the effect on your family.  They have a say or you don't have a very worthwhile relationship.

You say that you could always get another wife or girlfriend.  There's a guy who goes to the PT clinic I use.  He was in a motorcycle wreck several years ago.  He's just a notch or two from being a complete vegetable.  That's OK for him but his family has to give up a lot to just take care of his basic needs (and they have great insurance.)  It takes at least two people to move him.  His wife didn't sign on for that.  Suppose his wife says "sorry dear, but this constant caregiver stuff you're forcing me to accept stifles my freedom and independance and my way of life, I can always get another husband."  He's certainly in no condition to get another wife or girlfriend.

I don't mean to sound preachy and, like I said before, I don't want to discourage anyone from riding.  It's a personal decision but our families have a bigger stake it than we may fully realize.  I hope that no one here has to learn that the hard way and that hearing about what I put my wife through might lend some perspective.  

[sbrguy]

you are 100% right, nobody really knows what will happen to them in any unfortunate incident until it happens.  that sucks but its the way life works.

we always think it will be 'the other person but not me'.  that is what everyone does.

i think your perspective to tell people to try to take things, everything you can think of, into account as best you can is a good lesson for people to learn, basically it sounds like you are saying to look at things from all different perspectives not just your own.

that is the best anyone can do, and then make their own decisions.  i don't think people have a problem with that.

what people mentioned in this thread is when someone else whines about their spouse not letting them do somehting.

[danaid]

I know.  While I was laying in my hospital bed right after my wreck, I was on-line researching mods to adapt an older (ungoverned) Hayabusa for sport touring.  But then the the pain meds wore off and reality set in.  I could list more of the grisly details that no one tells you about  but, in short, this was going to take a long time.  

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from riding.  It's a personal decision.  I totaled my Monster but I still have other bikes.  I still own my first motorcycle.  I want to ride again.  There's nothing else quite like it.  My wife gets that.  She and I have talked about it and she's supportive but also says honestly that she'd worry every time I left the driveway.  How could I do that to her?  She means more to me than anything.

I've been very lucky over the years, but I can't promise her that I'll never wreck again.  I've been riding for over thirty years.  I'm a competent rider.  The conditions on the day I wrecked were perfect.  I knew the road.  I knew the hazards.  There was no traffic.  Bike was perfect.  Good gear etc, etc.  Risk mangement doesn't get any better but I'll never know exactly what happened.

Whether we deserve it or not, it matters to some people if we're here or not.  I know that others here have had bad wrecks and lost friends and spouses.  I've lost good friends in climbing and high-angle skiing accidents - I miss them every day.  It's really no consolation to say "at least they died doing something they loved."  

I was damn lucky - all along, I knew that I would get better.  I'll never get back to 100% and I won't be able to do some things at the level that used to but I did dodge some pretty nasty lifelong consequences.  Think about not being able to walk, or having to insert a catheter into your penis every time you needed to empty your bladder, or a total loss of sexual function, or chronic pain.  In your "risk management" be sure to account for all of the costs.  The price you pay may be fine for you but think about the effect on your family.  They have a say or you don't have a very worthwhile relationship.

You say that you could always get another wife or girlfriend.  There's a guy who goes to the PT clinic I use.  He was in a motorcycle wreck several years ago.  He's just a notch or two from being a complete vegetable.  That's OK for him but his family have to give up a lot to just take care of his basic needs (and they have great insurance.)  It takes at least two people to move him.  His wife didn't sign on for that.  Suppose his wife says "sorry dear, but this constant caregiver stuff you're forcing to accept stifles my freedom and independance and my way of life, I can always get another husband."  He's certainly in no condition to get another wife or girlfriend.

I don't mean to sound preachy and, like I said before, I don't want to discourage anyone from riding.  It's a personal decision but our families have a bigger stake it than we may fully realize.  I hope that no one here has to learn that the hard way and that hearing about what I put my wife through might lend some perspective.  

  Sorry about your accident, but riding a motorcycle is not a selfish act, being an "adrenalin junkie" is a selfish act! It's too bad it took a bad accident to bring you into reality, I wonder how many near misses you had climbing and high angle-skiing that you just brushed off.
  A close friend of mine is also an "adrenalin junkie" and rides his gsxr-1000 carelessly, speeding and stuntin' thru busy city streets. He has been riding like this for about 20 years now, and does not think he will ever lose his life or what will happen to his wife and kids if he is gone.  
 A selfish act is doing high risk things and not having a will or advanced directive and power of attorney for health care. Proper insurance to pay off your debt and financially take care of your family if you die or until they can get back on there feet. Insurance to pay for life time care if you are permanently disabled or just need to pay for school for retraining.
 I am a professional Firefighter and have seen many people with major illnesses, injured severely or get killed for various reasons, not many from riding motorcycles, mostly from being careless and selfish in their actions and lives.
 I believe in doing what you want because life is short, and you only have one life. Just be ready to pay for your actions.
    

[Johnny OrganDonor]

I think we're saying the same thing.  Maybe my semantics got in the way.  To me being an adreneline junkie and/or engaging in a high risk activity is a different thing from being reckless.  Skiing steeps, climbing, kayaking, motorcycling, and firefighting are high risk activites but not necessarily reckless and I don't think there's anything wrong with craving that thrill.  I had close calls but I never shrugged them off.  I trained and I knew better than to exceed my abilities.  I was going to say that I would never endanger anyone else for the sake of recreation but that's not really true.  Anytime you hit the road or backcountry, you could put other drivers, first responders, or search and rescue crews at risk if things go wrong.

But you're right in saying these are selfish acts (with the exception of firefighting.)  In saying that riding a motorcycle is a selfish act, I meant that we only do it for personal enjoyment, not necessity.  I doubt anyone really needs to ride a motorcycle to commute or otherwise.  I'm sure someone could argue that point but I'm staying with it being something that you do only for yourself.

So, you're a professional firefighter.  I'm a volunteer firefighter and before my wreck I'd average about 125 calls a year - I'm guessing that's maybe a third or even a quarter of what you do.  You can't tell me that you don't feel an adreneline rush on an offensive fire attack or even a medical call or even a little when your pager goes off.  I'm now relegated to warm zone - IC, DO, safety, and medical but I'm just glad to still be active.  Our district is pretty much ubran/mountain interface and we have about 25 miles of I-90.  We don't really see many calls for peolple being careless and selfish with their lives like you mentioned unless you'd count a drunk guy crashing a plane with his daughter on board (to me that's just a criminal.)  But I used to ski patrol and I got fed up with people being stupid and reckless thinking that they could "go extreme" during a one week ski vacation so I know what you mean (I think.)

I didn't mean to imply that I was a reckless idiot before my wreck.  I just didn't fully realize the extent to which the lives of people that I love the most could be affected by my decisions.  I thought I knew but I didn't until I experienced it.  And as I said before, a few years ago I would've agreed with the prevailing opinions expressed in this thread.  I'm also not saying that someone is a selfish bastard if they choose to ride a motorcycle.  I'm just relating my experience as a PSA - take it or leave it.

[danaid]

I think we're saying the same thing.  Maybe my semantics got in the way.  To me being an adreneline junkie and/or engaging in a high risk activity is a different thing from being reckless.  Skiing steeps, climbing, kayaking, motorcycling, and firefighting are high risk activites but not necessarily reckless and I don't think there's anything wrong with craving that thrill.  I had close calls but I never shrugged them off.  I trained and I knew better than to exceed my abilities.  I was going to say that I would never endanger anyone else for the sake of recreation but that's not really true.  Anytime you hit the road or backcountry, you could put other drivers, first responders, or search and rescue crews at risk if things go wrong.

But you're right in saying these are selfish acts (with the exception of firefighting.)  In saying that riding a motorcycle is a selfish act, I meant that we only do it for personal enjoyment, not necessity.  I doubt anyone really needs to ride a motorcycle to commute or otherwise.  I'm sure someone could argue that point but I'm staying with it being something that you do only for yourself.

So, you're a professional firefighter.  I'm a volunteer firefighter and before my wreck I'd average about 125 calls a year - I'm guessing that's maybe a third or even a quarter of what you do.  You can't tell me that you don't feel an adreneline rush on an offensive fire attack or even a medical call or even a little when your pager goes off.  I'm now relegated to warm zone - IC, DO, safety, and medical but I'm just glad to still be active.  Our district is pretty much ubran/mountain interface and we have about 25 miles of I-90.  We don't really see many calls for peolple being careless and selfish with their lives like you mentioned unless you'd count a drunk guy crashing a plane with his daughter on board (to me that's just a criminal.)  But I used to ski patrol and I got fed up with people being stupid and reckless thinking that they could "go extreme" during a one week ski vacation so I know what you mean (I think.)

I didn't mean to imply that I was a reckless idiot before my wreck.  I just didn't fully realize the extent to which the lives of people that I love the most could be affected by my decisions.  I thought I knew but I didn't until I experienced it.  And as I said before, a few years ago I would've agreed with the prevailing opinions expressed in this thread.  I'm also not saying that someone is a selfish bastard if they choose to ride a motorcycle.  I'm just relating my experience as a PSA - take it or leave it.

 Didn't mean to piss you off, just saying that there are many ways we get taken out, most of the time it is too early.
 To me , it's sad for someone to be told you are "not allowed to ride" and you spend the rest of your life wondering how fun it could be.
 A coworker of mine was admiring my monster (HeHe) and than said "my girlfriend would not allow my to have a motorcycle", I almost     from disgust.
 

[sbrguy]

this is a good debate.  but i have to disagree.

i don't think being an adrenaline junkie is selfish if its who you are as a person.  if that is what you are then its not really selfish its "just what you do" and people if they know you know you are like that and have to accept you as you are.

however, if a person is a poser and trying to do it because you somehow need to prove something to someone or such then i think its selfish. but if its just "how you are wired' then i wouldnt call it selfish.  its selfish for someone else to tell others how they should live their lives in order so that they can sleep easier at night.

one could argue that being a firefirghter with a wife and kids and having a high risk job is selfish becuase you put at risk your life and leaving your kids without a father, in a way its no different than doing dangerous acts.  After having a wife and kids you could have  switch to a "safer" less risk job if you wanted, people change careers a lot. 

but you stay, why?  if its because you like the rush and danger and the feeling of "being cool" then you are an adrenaline junkie.

but if you stay a fireman because "that is who you are, that is what you are" then that is NOT selfish its just that you are "wired to be a fireman" in other words to be anything different is not being you.

[Betty]

She means more to me than anything.

I think this one is key. However it is obvious from some responses in here it is more 'riding means more to me than anything' ... decisions can be made accordingly.

The intriguing thing is that 'she' is probably (as you said) the least likely to make demands or set ultimatums regarding your choice to ride. Therefore this may or may not be verbalised:

They have a say or you don't have a very worthwhile relationship.

Its all inter-related.

The price you pay may be fine for you but think about the effect on your family.

This is also a good point but it seems some people are happy just to bring this back to finances ... c'mon guys its much more than that as Johnny OrganDonor has shown. Of course the ones that would truly be effected are the ones that would hang around afterwards ... so all the bravado of 'its my life and I'll do what I want' doesn't quite wash with me.

An example on the other side:
An ex-workmate told me about his dad who was 'forced' to sell his bike ... and later died of cancer. He says that when he bought his Monster, his mum didn't object (despite a toddler and a newborn) as she felt she had taken away something from her husband and it didn't prevent his untimely demise.

I think it is a genuine moral dilemma.

But to paraphrase the title as some of you have ... if my wife told me I can't ride I know she is telling the truth. I can't ride (compared to her), but she is generally too polite to say so

[RetroSBK]

I guess this is truly one of the defining factors in the us vs them argument.

I love my wife, but she isn’t the face I shave in the am.

Lets take a slightly different route.. So you stop riding because its selfish, and neglects your spouse. Ok, so in ten years you get cancer. You wither and die. Without any real risk taking, and in the hell hole that chemo puts you through, there is nothing in the world you want to do, but sit there and ache.

I got my full throttle attitude from my father, who lived life to the fullest… Drag racing, good food, fast cars, fast women, a truly incredible lifestyle from a truly successful man. Colon cancer ate him alive. A week before he died, we went to lunch at the same restaurant he took me to for my first lunch out as father an son 30 years previous, and I asked him (not knowing how little time he had left) if he had any regrets, and he said that he had lived a thousand lives worth of fun, and he only regretted not getting to see my brother and I, and our kids. He never pulled a punch, never stopped short worrying, and had been thru the sh1t in more ways than one.

When he died, as most sons do, I went through a very introspective period, and tried to figure out what I needed to “change” I decided to even expand on the idea of pushing myself. That I wanted to die with no regrets, nothing missed out on, with no opportunity lost.

Yeah I take risks.. Yes, I push myself to the limit in a lot of places, in the gym, on a motorbike, in a car, climbing, skydiving, drag racing, and as much as I can I take my two little girls with me. I would rather live with no regrets for what I did, than spend my time afraid of what I didn’t do. I have a DNR in place, I wont live as a sack of bones. I know and understand the consequences, and all my assets are in trust for my children, and I don’t have to worry about them being able to go to Stanford.

So like I said, its managed risk. I am a risk taker, not a gambler, and I know and understand what I am doing. But when I get up in the morning, EVERY morning, I ask what I am going to do today that excites me. My wife and kids understand and wouldn’t have it any other way, if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be for me anyways.

[motolocopat]

What a classic of a thread this is.
It gives a lot of insight into "Our World"
At the same time it shows how screwed up yet level headed and human we all are.
It made be both LMAO and tear up

NoMods would probably make the funest wife wife and the best one as long as she'd step up to the plate the way johnnyorgandonors did.... what a moving story. Thanks for sharing with us and giving us food for thought.
Nomods I must correct you ... your husband is the lucky one that you aren't a "Crazy Cougar". I imagine you are a cougar though . All of us who want to tell you that you can't ride..........daily.....are the unlucky ones (-:

We learned that Spidey is truly twisted, never realized that before, his wife probably already has a poolboy that most likely is working while Spidey is riding with lilbastard strapped to a forkleg because he's to cheap to buy another backpack..... Spidey, I'll donate a used backpack that you can cut the leg holes out of!! Her second poolboy would be the actual substitute for Spidey

RetroSBK's response to the guys with the "My Wife Won't let me whatever" of "Does she have a special place in her purse for your balls" has been committed to my long term memory

You would think that's the way it should be... its good to know there are still "real" marriages out there. Seems to me a lot of them, particularly in the higher income circles, are just functional contracts where the trophy wife gets to decide a lot things provided she bends in a lot of ways  sad, but actually an accurate observation.

I personally feel that being flexible is is an extremly important part of a successfull relationship 

AT THE END OF THE DAY .... I'm going to ride until I can't be it physically , mentally or I start thinking about the consequences to much. Obviously we all need to minimize the risks by riding sanely with proper gear on and we need to take steps to ensure that any that we leave behind or burden with having to take care of a messed up old motorcyclist will have the financial wherewithal to get on with life.

[silas]

Johnny Organ you are so very right. In less but much appreciating detail, I went through a very similar thing/ accident & it is your loved ones that always suffer the most.
6 leg surgeries (2 for infrections), 7 weeks in a hospital incl. re-hab hospital & a 7" metal plate in my leg w/ 5 screws later, I took 2 yrs off riding. They thought they'd have to take 1/2 of one of my legs for over a week one time. Now I'm better and even ran the Peachtree Roadrace 2x (10K) with my leg plate & screws to prove some people (& a negative doctor) wrong.
the old girlfriend who took me through that time did not stick around. She was there (& my family & friends) when I needed her, thank you, but we had other problems.

My new wife had a hard time when I started riding again. She loves to ride w/ me (on rented harleys! ) but is not comfy on the monster (can you blame her?).  Now we have a baby girl, I'm in my late 30's, and I think about them whenever I go for a ride.  The extreme pain I felt while healing and learning to walk again is nothing compared to what my family, girlfriend, & loved ones went through.

Riding foolishly is definately selfish. I am not the same rider (in a great way) as I was in my younger days. And I still need to calm myself down on rides sometimes.
Think about the ones who love you while you ride---riding is a privledge !
Think about our reputation as a sport in public as you ride. Our riding rights are at stake !