DMF joke thread

[DCXCV]

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

The only one I remember from Boot Hill in Tombstone, AZ.

Here lies Lester Moore.

Four slugs

From a forty-four.

No Les

No More.

[Desmostro]

Given the economic downturn, we see no option but to lay off André.

[silvy1200]

Given the economic downturn, we see no option but to lay off André.

can't see it

[silvy1200]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a *****, ain't ya?"

[silvy1200]

A man and his wife go to Las Vegas for the first time.

When they arrive at their hotel, the wife asked about all the beautiful young women standing around the lobby.

The man said, "Those are hookers. Prostitution is legal in Nevada." The wife was skeptical, but they continued on to their room. The man finally ended the discussion by saying, "O.K. You hide in the bathroom, and I'll call and have one sent up." She agreed, and hid in the bathroom. The man called the front desk and asked for an escort to be sent up. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman came to the door. The man asked her, "So, what's the going rate nowadays?" She answered, "$300.00." "Whoa! I wasn't planning on spending that much!" he said. She asked how much he had planned on spending. "$20.00" he said. Insulted, the woman left.

So the man and his wife decided to go down to the hotel casino and play the slots. On the way down in the elevator, it stopped and the same young woman got on. She said to the man, "See what $20.00 gets you?"

[ducpainter]

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were
        listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
        "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
        car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get
        through.
       
       
       
        "So the good wife went out and moved her car.
       
        A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
        said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
        your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
        get through.
       
       
       
        " The good wife went out and moved her car again.
       
       
       
        The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
        says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
        park...." Then the electric power went out.
       
        The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
        said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
        need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and
        understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes
        exhibit, the husband replied,
       
        "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

[Grampa]

huh?

[TiNi]

 

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

 

[sno_duc]

Speaking as a blonde

I resemble that remark.   

[akmnstr]

  After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already  had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
 
    One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota , reported the following:  After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarrass, Minnesota, Ole Larson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.

   Thank Heavens for Ole.

[ryandalling]

A man and his wife go to Las Vegas for the first time.

When they arrive at their hotel, the wife asked about all the beautiful young women standing around the lobby.

The man said, "Those are hookers. Prostitution is legal in Nevada." The wife was skeptical, but they continued on to their room. The man finally ended the discussion by saying, "O.K. You hide in the bathroom, and I'll call and have one sent up." She agreed, and hid in the bathroom. The man called the front desk and asked for an escort to be sent up. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman came to the door. The man asked her, "So, what's the going rate nowadays?" She answered, "$300.00." "Whoa! I wasn't planning on spending that much!" he said. She asked how much he had planned on spending. "$20.00" he said. Insulted, the woman left.

So the man and his wife decided to go down to the hotel casino and play the slots. On the way down in the elevator, it stopped and the same young woman got on. She said to the man, "See what $20.00 gets you?"

   I got coffee out my nose now...

[Ddan]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
 
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
 
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
 
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
 
He never heard the shot.
 
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[sno_duc]

 A first-grade teacher, Ms.. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,
'Harry, what's your problem?'
 
Harry answered,
'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.  My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm
smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
 
Ms Brooks had had enough.  She took Harry to the principal's office.  While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.  The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade
and behave.  She agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: 
'9.'
 
Principal: 
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'
 
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.  The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
 
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks,
'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
 
Harry, after a moment:
'Legs.'
 
Ms Brooks: 
'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
 
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied:
'Pockets'
 
Ms. Brooks:
'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
 
Harry:
'Pants.'
 
Ms. Brooks:
'What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'     
 
Harry:
'Coconut.'     

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
 
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied,
'Bubble gum.'
 
Ms. Brooks:
'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?'
 
Harry:
'Shake hands.'
 
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 
'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
 
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
 
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,

[ducpainter]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.   
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.   
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

 

 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.   
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.



 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.   



 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.   



 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.   



 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.   
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick . . .



 

The moral of the story - Pay your make the beast with two backsin' bills. 

[ducpainter]

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for Christmas. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said...

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

 The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.'