DMF joke thread

[Desmostro]

...


Haa ahh hhhh uuuuu........Awgaaawd,  I need an ambulance. ..

cough
  cough
     cough   ha  ha ha  OOooooooo.


wipes the coffee off computer screen. nose is burning, dripping coffee.
Oh dear me, good timing.

I have to change clothes now.

[eltristo]

I don't know which was funnier, the jokes or Desmostro's response.   

The jokes... but only barely.   

[Porsche Monkey]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.   
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.   
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

 

 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.   
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.


 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.   



 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.   



 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.   



 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.   
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick . . .



 

The moral of the story - Pay your make the beast with two backsin' bills. 

   

[Bun-bun]

Ed and Joe Bob walk into a bar. While having a shot of bourbon, they talk about their huntin' dogs. Suddenly, a woman at the next table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute, it becomes obvious the woman is in real distress.
Ed looks over and says "Kin ya swaller?
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"  Again, the woman shakes her head no.
Ed walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and gives her left butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked, she gives a shudder, and a piece of sandwich flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, Ed walks back to the bar. Joe Bob says " Ya know, I heard of that there "Hind lick maneuver" but I ain't never seen it done before!

[Ddan]

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
     The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony..
 
    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help.. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

  'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin..

     At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

  He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[needtorque]

Once upon a time lived two great poets who had been competing all their lives to determine who was the best.  Well as fate would have it they both die at the same time on the same day.  They arrive at the pearly gates together only to hear St. Peter say "we only have room for one great poet so one of you is going to the other place"

In astonishment the poets look at each other with no idea how to resolve this dilema.

Lucky for them St. Peter also has the solution.  He says "we will have a poetry contest.  I will decide the topic and be the judge.  Whoever writes the best poem from the topic of my choosing will get into heaven and the other will not"

Well the two poets agree and St. Peter gives them the topic "Timbuktu"

Poet number one thinks for a while and then says "Ok, I got it"
"I myself a lonely man
 Traveling through the hot desert sand
 I approach the sea, a ship passes through
 It's destination Timbuktu"

Well poet number two is amazed and thinks he is really in trouble, but then inspiration strikes.

He belts out
"I and Tim a walking we went
 As we spotted three maidens in a tent
 They were three and we but two
 I bucked one and Timbuktu"

[needtorque]

LITTLE WOMEN:

A 5 year old girl is riding her shiny new bike on the first spring day warm enough since she got it for christmas.  As she rides down the street she meets a police officer on a horse.  The PO says hello and then ask the girl a question.

PO: "Did santa get you that bike?"
LG: "why yes he did"
PO: "It is very nice but I am afraid I am going to have to give you a ticket for not having a reflector on the back of the bike, next time you should tell santa that all bikes need reflectors on the back of them"
LG: after pausing for a moment, "That is a nice horse, did santa get it for you?"
PO: deciding he will play along, "Why yes he did"
LG: "well next time you should tell him the dick is supposed to go on the bottom of the horse not on top of it"

[needtorque]

If a cat always lands on it's feet and jelly toast always lands jelly side down then if you were to attach a piece of jelly toast, jelly side on the belly, to the belly of a cat and drop the cat would you have perpetual motion?

[Jobu]

If a cat always lands on it's feet and jelly toast always lands jelly side down then if you were to attach a piece of jelly toast, jelly side down, to the belly of a cat and drop the cat would you have perpetual motion?

Woundn't the toast need to be jelly side up?

[Mother]

no, you don't want the jelly and the feet facing the same way

[Porsche Monkey]

This could turn out like the airplane on the conveyor thread, and yes it will take off.

[needtorque]

The jelly is resting against the stomach, so dry side faces the ground.  Cat goes to land but dry side of toast won't let the feet touch for fear of landing dry side down, so toast flips cat but then cat cant land b/c cats cannot land on their back so cat flips over etc.... 

[Bun-bun]

     Two researchers are comparing notes at a convention of biological scientists. One says, "In our last year, we switched from rats to lawyers."
"Really? Why did you switch?
"Well, first, we found lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."
"Are there any drawbacks?"
"Yes, unfortunately, sometimes it's very hard to transfer the results to human beings."

What happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra?
He gets taller.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller . . . .
and the other's just a fish.


     A very successful lawyer parked his new Mercedes on the street in front of his practice. Eager to show it off to his colleagues, he threw open the door just as a big truck passed by. The truck ripped the door right off it's hinges. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, and called 911. When the officer arrived, he barely opened his mouth when the lawyer started screaming about how the car was new, and the damage was horrible, and that there was no way the car would ever be right again.
     When the lawyer finally wound down, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You're so focused on your possessions that you don't care about anything else."
"What are you talking about, that's ridiculous." sputtered the lawyer.
The officer replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off by the truck."
"Aahhh!" Screamed the lawyer, Where's my Rolex!"

[somegirl]

The jelly is resting against the stomach, so dry side faces the ground.  Cat goes to land but dry side of toast won't let the feet touch for fear of landing dry side down, so toast flips cat but then cat cant land b/c cats cannot land on their back so cat flips over etc.... 

I heard a similar version but it was buttered toast on the cat's back.

[Jobu]

The jelly is resting against the stomach, so dry side faces the ground.  Cat goes to land but dry side of toast won't let the feet touch for fear of landing dry side down, so toast flips cat but then cat cant land b/c cats cannot land on their back so cat flips over etc.... 

Yes, I get it.  But the jelly side would be up......... or down depending on the orientation of the cat I guess