DMF joke thread

[djrashonal]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." 

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. 

"What's it telling you now?" 

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…" 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" 

The man exclaims, "Damn—it must be broken again. It's always running an hour fast!"

[fastwin]

Guts and Balls

(There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls)

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS is: Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS is: Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is NO difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.
 

[ducpainter]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray -up, pregnant dog'

[djrashonal]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray -up, pregnant dog'

HA! 

[sno_duc]

With DIMBY just around the corner here's some pointers

Dr. Chang's medical advice

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of Ducati by riding faster. Want live longer? Take nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And  can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

[DaniD]

Eddie desperately wanted to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend.  One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you!"  The girl looked at him shocked and said, "hell no!"  He said, "I'll be real quick.  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."  She thought for a moment and told him she'd have to talk to her boyfriend.  She called him and explained the situation.  "Ask him for $200.  Pick up the money really really fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down."  She agreed and accepts the proposal.  30 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.  Finally after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks, "what the make the beast with two backs happened?!"  Still breathing hard she managed to reply, "that bastard had all DIMES!!"

[ryandalling]

I may need a new laptop after snorting my coffee out my nose while reading these... 

[DucNaked]

 Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quite.
 After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
 "Name's Cliff, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."
 "Great," says Tom. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
 As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some Drinking."
 "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of them."
 Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fighting, too."
 "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
 "More'n likely be all kinds of wild carrying-ons, too." Cliff says.
 "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way what should I wear?"
 " Don't much matter," Cliff replies. Just gonna be the two of us."

[r_ciao]

Short Management Course

Lesson  2:
A priest offered a Nun a ride in his car.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a  leg.
The  priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun  said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The  priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once  again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The  priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is  weak.'
Arriving  at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his  arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm  129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will  find glory.'

Moral  of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

More to follow...

[NuTTs]

Short Management Course

Lesson  2:
A priest offered a Nun a ride in his car.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a  leg.
The  priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun  said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The  priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once  again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The  priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is  weak.'
Arriving  at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his  arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm  129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will  find glory.'

Moral  of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

More to follow...

Hahahahaha 

[NuTTs]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[DesmoDiva]

 

LMAO!!

[ryandalling]

Okay... I think this is a serious item... but to me it is a very funny joke....

http://www.amazon.com/The-WineRack-200-007-Wine-Small/dp/B001FYXY7G?tag=dealswoot-20

[muskrat]

I will never take that bra seriously 

[NorDog]

In vino veritas.