DMF joke thread

[NAKID]

Okay... I think this is a serious item... but to me it is a very funny joke....

http://www.amazon.com/The-WineRack-200-007-Wine-Small/dp/B001FYXY7G?tag=dealswoot-20

Did you see the related item?

http://www.amazon.com/The-BeerBelly-200-001-80-Ounce-Belly/dp/B001RB2CXY/ref=pd_sim_k_1

[r_ciao]

Short Management Course

Lesson  3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie  says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's  gone.
'Me next!  Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff!  He's gone. 'OK,  you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral  of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

More to follow...

[the_Journeyman]

Okay... I think this is a serious item... but to me it is a very funny joke....

http://www.amazon.com/The-WineRack-200-007-Wine-Small/dp/B001FYXY7G?tag=dealswoot-20

So, is this the opposite of beer googles?  The drunker the smaller the boobs?

JM

[r_ciao]

Title:  BACON TREE
 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
 
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
 
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
 
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
 
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
 
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
 
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees



Ees
 


Ees
 


Ees
 

 
Ees
 


Ees
 


Ees a ham bush...."

[NoisyDante]

Ees a ham bush...."

[r_ciao]

Short Management Course

Lesson  4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral  of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

More to follow...

[djrashonal]

Short Management Course

Lesson  4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral  of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

More to follow...

very true

[ducpainter]

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[sno_duc]

Stuttering cat - as explained by a 4th grade student
 
 
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
 
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
 
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running
 start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
 
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
 
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff .....,

but before she could say "make the beast with two backs!!," the Rottweiler ate her!"
 
The teacher had to leave the room.

[ryandalling]

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

I snorted hot coffee out my nose on this one... now all I can smell is burnt coffee grinds... thanx.   

[angler]

Short Management Course

Lesson  4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral  of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

More to follow...

Unless you work for the government.

[ducpainter]

MY LIVING WILL
 
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my vodka

[GAAN]

MY LIVING WILL
 
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my vodka

 

[Mojo S2R]

MY LIVING WILL
 
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my vodka

  

[sno_duc]

 A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around  just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
 
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. 
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." 
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
 
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
 After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
 "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
 back!"
 
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He
 cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his
 door, laughing..... 
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
 
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the  matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
 
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a daffodil."