DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

California vs Montana:  An economics lesson

California 

The Governor of  California is jogging
with his dog along a  nature trail.  A coyote jumps out
bites the Governor and attacks his  dog.

1.  The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects
upon  the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop,
the coyote is only doing  what's natural.

2.  He calls Animal Control. Animal Control  captures the coyote
and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases  and $500 for relocating it.

3.  He calls a veterinarian. The vet  collects the
dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for  disease.

4.  The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500  getting
checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite  wound bandaged.

5.  The running trail is shut down for 6 months, 
while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to
make sure the  area is free of dangerous animals.

6.  The Governor next spends  $50,000 in state funds,
implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for  residents of the area.

7.  The State Legislature spends $2  million to
study how to better treat rabies and how
to permanently  eradicate the disease, throughout
the world.

8.  The  Governor's security agent is fired for not
somehow stopping the attack  and for letting
the Governor attempt to intervene.

9.   Additional cost to State of  California : $75,000 to hire  and
train a new security agent with
additional special training re:  The Nature of Coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and  files suit against the state.


Montana

The Governor of Montana is jogging, with his dog,  along a nature  trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

1.  The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps  jogging.

The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point  cartridge.

2. Other Montana wildlife eat the dead coyote.

And  that, my friends, is why California is  broke.

No politics in this 'joke'...

eh?

[NorDog]

No politics in this 'joke'...

eh?

I thought it was economics?   

[The Bacon Junkie]

---snip---

How To Give A Dog Ryan A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

Fixed it...   

[zooom]

police station toilet stolen
cops have nothing to go on..

[Buckethead]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shame-faced.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowe's, either."

[Jaman]

PSA - I have noticed that many who text messages and e-mail have forgotten the "art" of capital-ization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse!
 
Good way to help your kids learn the difference...

[akmnstr]

California vs Montana:  An economics lesson

Dude ya do know who the gov of Cal. is don't ya.  I think Arnold would know how to handle the situation. 
This is joke is like calling Chuck Norris a puss, or stepping on superman's cape on purpose. 

[zooom]

calling Chuck Norris a puss   

now THERE is a joke!

[NorDog]

If Chuck Norris were a puss, all the pusses in the world could kick your ass.

[DucVixenReturns]

C:ENTER###

[ryandalling]

C:ENTER###

See colon enter pound pound pound???

 

[Buckethead]

Like OJ Simpson's blog.

http://sneaky\//[esc]

[DucVixenReturns]

 

[ducpainter]

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
 
Billy Connolly  "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[zooom]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic
couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They
find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them
into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven? When St.
Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find
out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months
pass and the couple is still waiting. As they
wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?'
they wondered. 'Are we stuck together
forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally
returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he
informs the couple,

'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just
wondering, what if things don't work out?
Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened
couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me
three months to find a priest up here! Do
you have any idea how long it'll take me to find
a lawyer?'