DMF joke thread

[swampduc]

 

[The Bacon Junkie]

From one of my kiddies:

What do you call a smiling hot dog with no meat in the middle?




Wait for it...





Are you ready?





A Happy Hollow-Weenie!     

[Mojo S2R]

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than Casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday Services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches
have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby
Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken
to the casinos of origin and cashed in.



This is done by....









Wait for it.....











THE CHIP MONKS.
                                                                 


YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

[Porsche Monkey]

^^^ scary little fuggers

[akmnstr]

Mojo, you can really tell a joke.  If it wasn't for your delivery, that would be a real stinker. 

[Speedbag]

A day late:

Q. What do hillbilly rednecks do for Halloween?

A. They pump kin.

[erkishhorde]

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"

[erkishhorde]

A guy hobbles into a bar with a crutch under one arm and one arm in a cast.

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[Goat_Herder]

A co-worker's kid told me this joke years ago.  Halloween reminded me of the joke.



Why is the skeleton afriad of crossing the road?

No guts.

[r_ciao]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma..' The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy shift thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the Office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

[Rob Hilding]

What do the NFl and the movie "Brokeback Mountain" have in common?


























Cowboys that Suck

[ducpainter]

How to give a pill to a cat

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. alllow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. 

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.

Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. 

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

[fastwin]

  Funny but true!

[SacDuc]

2 blonds are sitting in a pub when in walks an attractive man with really bed dandruff.
1st girl says "He needs head and shoulders."
2nd girl asks "How do you give shoulders?"


sac

[r_ciao]

California vs Montana:  An economics lesson

California 

The Governor of  California is jogging
with his dog along a  nature trail.  A coyote jumps out
bites the Governor and attacks his  dog.

1.  The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects
upon  the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop,
the coyote is only doing  what's natural.

2.  He calls Animal Control. Animal Control  captures the coyote
and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases  and $500 for relocating it.

3.  He calls a veterinarian. The vet  collects the
dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for  disease.

4.  The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500  getting
checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite  wound bandaged.

5.  The running trail is shut down for 6 months, 
while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to
make sure the  area is free of dangerous animals.

6.  The Governor next spends  $50,000 in state funds,
implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for  residents of the area.

7.  The State Legislature spends $2  million to
study how to better treat rabies and how
to permanently  eradicate the disease, throughout
the world.

8.  The  Governor's security agent is fired for not
somehow stopping the attack  and for letting
the Governor attempt to intervene.

9.   Additional cost to State of  California : $75,000 to hire  and
train a new security agent with
additional special training re:  The Nature of Coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and  files suit against the state.


Montana

The Governor of Montana is jogging, with his dog,  along a nature  trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

1.  The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps  jogging.

The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point  cartridge.

2. Other Montana wildlife eat the dead coyote.

And  that, my friends, is why California is  broke.