DMF joke thread

[erkishhorde]

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

[Monsterlover]

ewww

[erkishhorde]

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

[erkishhorde]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[erkishhorde]

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.

The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.


Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok.


That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".

[Monsterlover]

[fastwin]

Wow, didn't see that "coming" (pun intended!! ). Still pretty damn funny!!

[ryandalling]

Two nuns are riding their mopeds through Rome. They turn down a back road to head back to the convent.

One nun says to the other: Gee, I have neve come this way before.

The other replies:  It must be the cobblestones.

[Monsterlover]

[Billyzoom]

Not a great joke, but I remember it fondly because I used to constantly make up jokes and puns for my kids.  The first one my son ever created was this one.

What did one dinosaur say to the other when he farted?


You're extincty.

Pretty good for a five year old!

[Mojo S2R]

Very good, especially for a five year old. 


Just received this one from a Canadian friend:

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Daily Squidjigger," a Newfoundland newspaper, reported the following:
 "After digging as deep as 30 meters near Cornerbrook, Wilf Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Wilf has therefore concluded that 300 years ago "Newfoundland had already gone wireless."

[zooom]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[NorDog]

This may be a derby, but still...

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up
his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice,
enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he
would be able to complete the test with the same
proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on
the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.   
John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the
next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to
see a score of 150% for his exam.

John spoke to his professor after class. "I never
dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me,
how did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly
disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for
perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an
additional 50% for having done all of it through the
muffler."

[kopfjäger]

Halloween is coming

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco.
She gets into the cab, and notices
that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask,
but I don't want to offend you.'


She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask
that I would find offensive.'


'Well, I've always had a fantasy
to have a nun kiss me.'


She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'


The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says.
'Pull into the next alley.'


The nun fulfills his fantasy
with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.


But when they get back
on the road,
the cab driver starts crying.


'My dear child,' said the nun,
'Why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned.
I lied and I must confess;
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'


The nun says,
'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and
I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[ducpainter]