DMF joke thread

[DucLeone]

 

[fastwin]

That's funny as shit!!!

[erkishhorde]

Woot! Friday win for Erik.   Not as funny but not bad for mid weekend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

[ducpainter]

 ^^^^^

[swampduc]

 

[erkishhorde]

Old joke, now with video.

Her Goldfish Died

[erkishhorde]

Another oldie but goodie.

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'The

Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' '1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not ; it's only 2130 now.'

[Rameses]

Old joke, now with video.

Another oldie but goodie.

That's a damned good one too.   

[ducpainter]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'  The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!   This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong pregnant dog out of the window.

[sno_duc]

 dp you're humorless.... my a$$     

now I have to clean beer off the monitor/keyboard, good micro-brew no less.....thanks alot

[Kopfjager]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'  The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!   This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong pregnant dog out of the window.

[Bigbore4]

A Vampire bat returns to the bat cave, face, tongue, teeth all covered in blood.  Up to his ears in blood.  All the other Vampire bats start getting all excited by the smell of blood.  As they all get to a fever pitch one asks "where did you get all the blood?"  He says "follow me!"

All the bats follow him out of the cave, all the while getting more and more excited following the blood scent.  He fly's out a ways and finally circles a huge tree.  The other bats ask again "where did you get all the blood?"

He says "see that big effing tree?" and the other bat says "sure", and the he says "well I didn't"

[Jobu]

dp you're humorless.... my a$$     

now I have to clean beer off the monitor/keyboard, good micro-brew no less.....thanks alot

Ahh, someone told him it was a really funny joke.  He had no idea.

[ducpainter]

Ahh, someone told him it was a really funny joke.  He had no idea.

Clueless too.

[stopintime]

Ducpainter

I officially relieve you of the "humorless" signature.
You can go back to DucPainter