DMF joke thread

[fastwin]

Dave decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she
finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's time you
quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and
boat."

Dave gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

Just wondering... do y'all think it foolish of me to show that joke post to my wife?

[Zaster]

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching rail.  As she stood there,
brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out
of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
             
     The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey, old woman!
Have you ever danced?"
 
     The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. . . never
really wanted to."
                 
     A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're
gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.       
                                 
     The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toes blown off, started hopping around.
Everybody was laughing.
                 
     When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun
and turned around to go back into the saloon.
               
     The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and
cocked both hammers.
                 
     The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.  The crowd stopped laughing immediately.


     The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was
almost deafening.
               
     The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes
of those twin barrels.
                                                     
     The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said,
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"


     The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, ma'am . . .  but . . . I've always wanted to."
               
                   There are a few lessons for all of us here.
                 
                1 - Never be arrogant..
                2 - Don't waste ammunition.
                3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
                4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
                5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[sno_duc]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
 
What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
 
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
 
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
 
'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

 Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'










Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[dolci]

 

[fastwin]

My lovely wife, who is hard core Catholic, should love that one!!

[r_ciao]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
 
What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
 
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
 
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
 
'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

 Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'



Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[zooom]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"shit."

[zooom]

Bill Clinton Started jogging near his


new home in Chappaqua.



But on each run he happened to jog


past a hooker standing on the same


street corner, day after day.




With some apprehension he would brace


himself as he approached her for what


was most certainly to follow.



"Fifty dollars!" she would cry


out from the curb.



"No, Five

dollars!"


fired back Clinton



This ritual between Bill and the


hooker continued for days.



He'd run by and she'd yell,


"Fifty dollars!"


And he'd yell back,


"Five dollars!"



One day however,
Hillary decided that she


wanted to accompany her


husband on his jog!



As the jogging couple neared the problematic


street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would


bark her $50 offer and Hillary would


wonder what he'd really


been doing on all his past outings.



He realized he should have a


darn good explanation


for the Secretary of State.



As they jogged into the turn that would


take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive


than usual.



Sure enough,


there was the hooker!



Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes


as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk,


the hooker yelled, “See.... See what you

get for five bucks!"

[ungeheuer]

Elephants are amazing.



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same make the beast with two backsing elephant.

[fastwin]

Bill Clinton Started jogging near his


new home in Chappaqua.



But on each run he happened to jog


past a hooker standing on the same


street corner, day after day.




With some apprehension he would brace


himself as he approached her for what


was most certainly to follow.



"Fifty dollars!" she would cry


out from the curb.



"No, Five

dollars!"


fired back Clinton



This ritual between Bill and the


hooker continued for days.



He'd run by and she'd yell,


"Fifty dollars!"


And he'd yell back,


"Five dollars!"



One day however,
Hillary decided that she


wanted to accompany her


husband on his jog!



As the jogging couple neared the problematic


street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would


bark her $50 offer and Hillary would


wonder what he'd really


been doing on all his past outings.



He realized he should have a


darn good explanation


for the Secretary of State.



As they jogged into the turn that would


take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive


than usual.



Sure enough,


there was the hooker!



Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes


as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk,


the hooker yelled, “See.... See what you

get for five bucks!"

 

[sno_duc]

Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
 
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
 
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8] Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

[Monsterlover]

[fastwin]

  X 2!!

[sno_duc]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto ?

'You dumber than buffalo chips. It mean someone stole tent..

[sno_duc]

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little
 Ranger. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can
blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is
 my Daddy sleeps naked!"


Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd
 years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what
he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower
 of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,......
but he always told her the truth.
 
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low
down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night,
 when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his
double barreled shotgun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back
 again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to
all us kids!
 
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no
shirt! Off he crawled to the hen house, just like an Injun on
 the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun
through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness,
 with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone
and woke up and came sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all
 looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose
in my Daddy's crack!"
 

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock
 this mornin!"