DMF joke thread

[Jaman]

 "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
 
 "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!  Please Doc, what's the good news?"
 
 "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
 
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
 
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman.  "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
 
 "That's great," said the surgeon.
 
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved.  I've learned how to sew my own clothes andI've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
 
 "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.  Are you having any side effects?"
 
 "Well, just two," said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Howie]

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S


Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert.

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Martin Scorcese died and went to heaven. He was met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

He said, "God has been waiting for you to die. He is going to produce the greatest film in history and wants you to direct. He's signed Shakespeare to write the screenplay. Michelangelo is the art director. Beethoven is writing the music."And you l have your choice of any of the actors up here to play the roles.”

Martin smiled and said, "That sounds amazing, I've always wanted to direct Kate Hepburn."

St Peter sighed, “There might be a little problem with that.”

"Why, is she in the other place?" asked Scorsese.

"No,” said St Peter.

"Then what could be the problem?"

St Peter sighed again, "Well, God’s got this girlfriend…”

[ducpainter]

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.



The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.



"I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone," the officer says.



The driver replies, "No sir, I was going just a little over 55."



The woman says, "Oh Steven! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!"



The man gives his wife a dirty look.



The officer says, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."



"Broken tail light?" the man replies. "I didn't know about a broken tail light."



The woman exclaims, "Steven! You've known about that tail light for weeks!"



The man gives his young wife another dirty look.



The officer then says, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."



The driver replies, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."



"Steven," the pretty woman says, "you know you never wear your seat belt!"



The husband bursts out, "Shut your mouth, woman!"



The officer takes a moment, and then says, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"



"No," she says. "Only when he's drunk."

[ducpainter]

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender looks up and says, " Where on Earth did you get that?".
The frog looks down and says, " I dunno. Just started like a wart on my ass".

[Randimus Maximus]

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender looks up and says, " Where on Earth did you get that?".
The frog looks down and says, " I dunno. Just started like a wart on my ass".

 

[Howie]

Ridiculously good

[DarkMonster620]

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender looks up and says, " Where on Earth did you get that?".
The frog looks down and says, " I dunno. Just started like a wart on my ass".

[DarkMonster620]

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.



The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.



"I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone," the officer says.



The driver replies, "No sir, I was going just a little over 55."



The woman says, "Oh Steven! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!"



The man gives his wife a dirty look.



The officer says, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."



"Broken tail light?" the man replies. "I didn't know about a broken tail light."



The woman exclaims, "Steven! You've known about that tail light for weeks!"



The man gives his young wife another dirty look.



The officer then says, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."



The driver replies, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."



"Steven," the pretty woman says, "you know you never wear your seat belt!"



The husband bursts out, "Shut your mouth, woman!"



The officer takes a moment, and then says, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"



"No," she says. "Only when he's drunk."

woman

[ducpainter]

"If a really stupid person becomes senile...

how do you know?"

George Carlin

[ducpainter]

Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. “Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Laura’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!”
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To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Bob!”

[ducpainter]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the vicar’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.After the service , he starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar ..."My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says..."You better hurry home now Mike.
My wife died a year ago"

[Howie]