DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

[Howie]

 

I did have to look up who  RC deWinter is though.

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

 

I did have to look up who  RC deWinter is though.

She posts this gold on Twitter.

[ducpainter]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Just then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ducpainter]

An 87 year old man was at his doctor’s for his yearly check up and the doctor asked him how he was doing. The guy replied “couldn’t be better! I’ve got a 27 year old wife and she is pregnant with my baby, what do you think about that?”

The doctor thought for a minute and then started in on a story. He said, “I’ve got a friend that is in his mid eighties who is an avid hunter. Early one morning he was headed to the woods and in his haste grabbed his walking cane instead of his rifle. As he walked by the lake he saw a huge beaver standing in the middle of the trail. Out of instinct he raised his cane to his shoulder as if it was his favorite rifle and went BANG BANG. Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that?”

The 87 year old answered, “logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver”.
The doctor replied “my point exactly “

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Howie]

  Clever!

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

A couple was celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
One. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
Patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
Thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
Look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
Didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
Really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
Time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
Of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
Loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean We're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too."

[LMT]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Here's a joke for all the mindreaders out there.