Your best story

Started by SacDuc, July 09, 2010, 09:41:36 AM

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NoisyDante

Always make me laugh, just a short little story.

I was 17, coaching a youth hockey team back in New Jersey.  We had our draft and I was calling all the kids and their parents to tell them what team they were on and when their first practice was.  So I call this one kid, and begin to leave a message on the answering machine.  "Hi Timmy, this is Dante, I'm your hockey coach for the Fall league, and you'll be on the Grizzlies.  Our first practice is this Saturday at 10am, so tell your parents, and . . . "

I then, without warning, let out the biggest belch I've ever performed to this day, right into the receiver.  It lasted a good 2 seconds, and I was so shocked I didn't think to put the phone down.  I then didn't know what to say, so I paused for a moment, said "Oh, Jesus," and quickly hung up the phone.

So imagine the parents firing up their messages and hearing:

"... so tell your parents, and . . . Brraaaaaagghhhhgghhhhhh!!!! ...         oh, Jesus ....." *click
'07 695 Dark - Quat-D Ex Box exhaust, gold S4 forks, Woodcraft Clipons, CRG levers, KTM headlight, Motodynamics taillight, 14t sprocket, CRG LS mirrors, flamethrower, the usual refinements.  * struck down by a hippie in a Prius on September 22nd, 2010.

ducpainter

Quote from: RAT900 on July 13, 2010, 02:53:06 AM
Damn ^^^^^ this is good...hell its Biblical....

just don't let it play out like Samson and Delilah  ;D
Shit...

I don't have enough strength left to make it possible. ;)
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent."



Pip

Quote from: Bun-bun on July 13, 2010, 12:35:43 PM
Towson state U is just north of Baltimore. In 198X I was enrolled as a communications major, and had the opportunity to work at the college radio station. After a few semesters, I worked my way up to DJ a show from 2 to 4 am called "The Cosmic Music Experience". The playlist was basically Pink Floyd, Tubular Bells, Jimi, Grateful Dead, Jeff Beck, etc. I was a natural in that I actually liked all that hippy trippy music.
At that time of night, the studio was shall we say, less than crowded. Usually just me and about half the time, a producer handling the phones and pulling albums from the stacks.
So one night, I'm in the studio, and my buddy calls on the station phone to tell me he'd just scored some amazing bud, so I told him to come right over. I had a producer that night, but I knew he was cool, so I figured it was O.K..
So my producer goes downstairs to let my buddy in, and they come back, walk in, and my buddy pulls a bong out of his backpack. It gets passed around a couple of times, and just as I'm about to hit it, the current song ends. I do a station identification, and start another song, then take a huge hit and hack and ralf for about a minute. You know, SLUUUUURP. . HACK!! ARRF!! ARRGLE!! RALF!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!

The phone rings and my producer picks it up, listens a minute, turns white as a sheet, runs over to the console, and CUTS OFF MY MICROPHONE.
T


[laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]
"You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but not your biology."

Wouldn't fat air be easier to disappear into?

Bun-bun

So my son turns 13, and we have "the talk". Y'know; "your body's changing, , blah blah, urges, yadda yadda"
So everything's good for a while, and then one day I enter his room to get the plates and cups that he left in there so I can wash the dishes, and I notice a tube of hemorrhoid cream on his nightstand. Later that evening I ask him, and he says yeah, he's had some itching, so he borrowed it from Mom. I let it slide by, and tell him I hope it clears up soon.
A few days go by, and I'm in his room collecting again, and I notice the tube of cream is almost empty, and I know it was new the last time I saw it, so I ask him what he used that much hemorrhoid cream for. He squirms, and turns bright red, and it all of a sudden hit me; 13, urges, cream. . . before I can stop myself I hear myself say "A___, that's supposed to shrink swelling!"
Next day I went and bought him a jar of vaseline.
"A fanatic is a man who does what he knows God would do, if only god had all the facts of the matter" S.M. Stirling

cyrus buelton

No Longer the most hated DMF Member.

By joining others Hate Clubs, it boosts my self-esteem.

1999 M750 (joint ownership)
2004 S4r (mineeee)
2008 KLR650 (wifey's bike, but I steal it)

KnightofNi

Quote from: Bun-bun on July 13, 2010, 03:18:30 PM
So my son turns 13, and we have "the talk". Y'know; "your body's changing, , blah blah, urges, yadda yadda"
So everything's good for a while, and then one day I enter his room to get the plates and cups that he left in there so I can wash the dishes, and I notice a tube of hemorrhoid cream on his nightstand. Later that evening I ask him, and he says yeah, he's had some itching, so he borrowed it from Mom. I let it slide by, and tell him I hope it clears up soon.
A few days go by, and I'm in his room collecting again, and I notice the tube of cream is almost empty, and I know it was new the last time I saw it, so I ask him what he used that much hemorrhoid cream for. He squirms, and turns bright red, and it all of a sudden hit me; 13, urges, cream. . . before I can stop myself I hear myself say "A___, that's supposed to shrink swelling!"
Next day I went and bought him a jar of vaseline.

wow.....it must be nice to have parents that understand and aren't dicks about that sort of thing.
Life, alas is very drear. Up with the glass and down with the beer!
Quote from: RB on September 09, 2009, 05:31:47 AM
Seriously, when i am 800years old i want to rock like Lemmy! it is a religion that requires lots of determination, drugs, and Marshall stacks.

now with clavicle of steel (stainless) wrist o' steel (11/2011)

dolci

Quote from: Bun-bun on July 13, 2010, 12:35:43 PM
Towson state U is just north of Baltimore. In 198X I was enrolled as a communications major, and had the opportunity to work at the college radio station.
T

hmmmm - our paths may have crossed at some point...I was at Goucher around that time.   [cheeky]
Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing; however, they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

2005 620ie
1998 GS500E - gone

Bun-bun

Quote from: dolci on July 14, 2010, 05:01:53 AM
hmmmm - our paths may have crossed at some point...I was at Goucher around that time.   [cheeky]
Yep, right up the street, just past the mall. Ever go to that pizza joint on the corner of York rd and College dr.?
"A fanatic is a man who does what he knows God would do, if only god had all the facts of the matter" S.M. Stirling

dolci

Quote from: Bun-bun on July 14, 2010, 05:27:37 AM
Yep, right up the street, just past the mall. Ever go to that pizza joint on the corner of York rd and College dr.?

Yes, yes I did.  Pizza Palace?
Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing; however, they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

2005 620ie
1998 GS500E - gone

Bun-bun

Yep, Pizza Palace. Long gone now. What years were you there? I was 1982-85. My sister went to Goucher from 87-91.
"A fanatic is a man who does what he knows God would do, if only god had all the facts of the matter" S.M. Stirling

SacDuc



This is a touching reunion. If only there was some way for you guys to message each other privately so you could discuss your shared history in depth while leaving the thread on topic. Oh well.

I demand more stories.

sac


/did everyone know that they serve beer at Chuck E Cheese?
//and that you don't actually need to have a kid with you to be there?
///and that they don't really seem to have a protocol for dealing with two drunks who won't stop hogging the basketball game?
////and that I love my brother deeply for saying, "Hell yeah!" when I spotted said Chuck E Cheese on the way to the next bar and suggested we stop?
HATERS GONNA HATE.

SacDuc

Quote from: KnightofNi on July 14, 2010, 04:42:44 AM
wow.....it must be nice to have parents that understand and aren't dicks about that sort of thing.



Catholic?

sac
HATERS GONNA HATE.

cokey

i was born in feb 1980 -_-

old bastids, keep the stories coming.. seems you older folks have better stories..  
I WIN
Quote from: my wifeOk babe I surrender to u.  U may work me out till I drop

Quote from: Timmy Tucker on February 27, 2011, 11:11:58 AM
About the goat...
His name was Bob, but the family called him BeelzeBob. 
make the beast with two backs goats.

Duck-Stew

Quote from: cokey on July 14, 2010, 06:47:31 PM
i was born in feb 1980 -_-

old bastids, keep the stories coming.. seems you older folks have better stories..  

Give it time...  You'll have yours!  ;D
Bike-less Portuguese immigrant enjoying life.

El Matador

Quote from: Bun-bun on July 13, 2010, 03:18:30 PM
So my son turns 13, and we have "the talk". Y'know; "your body's changing, , blah blah, urges, yadda yadda"
So everything's good for a while, and then one day I enter his room to get the plates and cups that he left in there so I can wash the dishes, and I notice a tube of hemorrhoid cream on his nightstand. Later that evening I ask him, and he says yeah, he's had some itching, so he borrowed it from Mom. I let it slide by, and tell him I hope it clears up soon.
A few days go by, and I'm in his room collecting again, and I notice the tube of cream is almost empty, and I know it was new the last time I saw it, so I ask him what he used that much hemorrhoid cream for. He squirms, and turns bright red, and it all of a sudden hit me; 13, urges, cream. . . before I can stop myself I hear myself say "A___, that's supposed to shrink swelling!"
Next day I went and bought him a jar of vaseline.

In a weird way that reminds me of a story from my childhood. Let me preface it by saying that I was an extremely precocious child and most adults would just stare in confusion after a brief chat with me. I don't remember much of this story, but my father puffs up his chest with pride whenever it comes up and marks it as the moment he undeniably knew I was his child.


I was 6 or 7 at the time and I was being an absolute insufferable shit to my stepmom. She was trying really hard but things had recently taken a turn for the worse, seeing as I had gotten kicked out of the soccer team for convincing a teammate whose parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce that they were splitting up because of him, and that the fighting was over who would get to not have him. This meant that I had an extra 3 hours in which to drive my poor stepmom up the walls. To make matter worse I was bursting with energy after school as I no longer was engaged in strenuous physical activity for 3 hours in the early afternoon.

The situation degenerated until she was forced to call my father at work and have him come deal with me. At the time my dad was heading things or Exxon in Venezuela, so you imagine how bad things had to be for his day to be interrupted. So my father heads on home with murder in his eyes and fully intent on dealing with the situation. I had no idea that he was coming, as it was just another day another fight with my stepmom for me.

You have to understand that at this point they had tried absolutely everything with me; talking, smacking, punishing, taking away things, chores; nothing seemed to work. Ever the manager, my dad had decided to try a new approach. I was in my room, playing with my circuits starter set when I heard my door open and my father walk in. I remember being puzzled  as to why he was home so early and asking him so.

He sat down next to me and said in a very frank voice:

"Son, it is time that you and I had a Man to Man talk. There are things that I need you to understand and they're very important that you pay very close attention. "

And my little 6-7 year old self looks up at him just as frankly and says:

"Dad, don't worry, if this is about sex, I already know"

My father did the only thing he could. Left the room and laughed his ass off. I wasn't punished.