Your best story

[RAT900]

Rat,

Why is it that the hot ones that are ridiculous in bed are always bat shit crazy?  If I could just find one that was like that and somewhat normal I'd be a happy man.

yeah I don't have any good answers for that mystery of life...it is one of the core injustices of the human experience ....kind of like "why are the best foods always so damn fattening?"....

guess it boils down to the old saying "genius has baggage"....and in some case genius has luggage

and needs a team of skycaps

but boy they sure can travel in style in the sack

[Pip]

At my last assignment, there were two kinds of tractor-trailer trucks we used to pull our 25 and 40 foot Munitions flatbeds... The American-made Internationals, and the German-made MAN trucks... I preferred the MAN trucks for the neat gizmos and the (wrongly perceived, I'm sure) increased power. I'm licensed to transport munitions by up to 52 foot trailer all the way across Europe (an expensive license.... roughly £5,000), so a jaunt across base with 7 pallets (6 MK82 500lb General Purpose per pallet) on a 25 foot trailer would be a walk in the park, right? Yeah, I thought so.

My buddy Moore was tasked to accompany me as spotter on my little journey, so we went out to function check the truck on this misty, slightly cold weather that you find 10 out of 12 months in England... There was a slight sheen of dew on the road surface, which was soon destroyed by the Tokyo Drift-esque sideways sliding of two morons, 6 cylinders, one big turbo and ten tires. If you've never gotten slideways in an 18 wheeler, I propose you haven't really lived. Air-Ride seats make this experience even more exhilarating as you undulate up and down like a little bobber in a pond, while also enjoying the lateral movement of the loosed behemoth below you. (Moore spent a little time in the sleeper behind the seats as I did this, screaming like a girl the whole time) . After what seemed like an eternity spent giggling, we climbed out of the cab to make sure everything was ship-shape. Needless to say, it was. We headed back through the Bomb Dump, to the shop to pick up the necessary safety gear. We were told we'd be picking up a the aforementioned explosive laden trailer on Able Row, which is an open storage pad built over an old WWII runway, with tight turns, and very little wiggle room for maneuvering. We arrived at the pad, backed the tractor up, and heard the satisfying "kah-thunk" as the kingpin engaged the hitch. OK then... get out, hook up the pneumatics for the brakes and the electrical cable for the lights, lift up trailer landing gear, and pull chocks. Check lights, release Parking Brake, and go. The next two sounds will echo in my head for the rest of my life. As we depart, we hear "BANG!", "WHAM!!!" 

What the ever-loving make the beast with two backs was that?!?!?   


Look in the rearview mirror to see the trailer laying firmly on its retracted landing gear, and all of the bombs had slid up, nose to tail, with a majority of the fuzewell covers visibly broken. Fourty-two 500lb bombs nut-to-butt, perched on a precariously angled trailer that was resting on two damaged landing gear stanchions, back wheels and butt in the air like a duck diving in a pond. Turns out the hitch height on a MAN truck is remotely adjustable, and had been remotely adjusted by someone who was being trained on the truck and not returned to the correct height. The truck moved, but the trailer didn't. Sheared all of the lines off of the back of the tractor, damaged a mudflap, and Like idiots, we left the radio in the shop, and the nearest Sarge was roughly 400 yards away. Ahhh... now I understand why we PT so much. I tell Moore (who was not a... uhh... small guy) to watch the truck, and if he sees anything unusual, to get the make the beast with two backs as far away from this trailer as he can. I take off full sprint, running like Forrest Gump out of Bryant-Denny stadium, finally arriving at the Sarge's location what felt like 30 minutes later. Told him what happened, and we returned to the scene. Sarge had the great idea to bring out a forklift and unload the muns off the trailer... good idea boss!

Sarge hops in the forklift, and proceeds to take the REARMOST pallet off of the truck. "Wait... Mitch, that's probably not a good idea, because it's holding the back of the trailer d..." POW!!!! No sooner had the pallet left the surface than the front of the trailer takes all of the weight (18,000lbs of bomb) of the front 6 pallets and goes all the way down onto the kingpin, roughly on a 45/50 degree angle. Well shit... now we're really buggered.

Eventually took 14 people, Two 22k forklifts and a giant road barrier to get this thing on a horizontal plane. Needless to say, I learned to ALWAYS, ALWAYS check kingpin to receiver height.

That's my lame story. All true, no hyperbole.

[SacDuc]

Ouch... Lsd in food counts as a murder attempt in some jurisdictions... Aggravated assault in others....

You must be fun at parties.   

[SacDuc]

Your posts really make me laugh Sac 

This is the only reason I write on this board at all.

sac

[cyrus buelton]

Ignorant question here...............



If one of those bombs fell on the ground, would it have exploded or is there some sort of "detonator" that needs to be turned on first to make that 500lbs of fun hot?

[Triple J]

I'd guess they need detonators installed (screwed into their nose?) before they'll detonate.

[metallimonster]

Those Debbie Downer skits are make the beast with two backsing hilarious.

[MendoDave]

Why do they drop to 10k feet before jumping?

Actually I have no Idea.
But for a bailout situation you are already at 10,000 or below and I guess the height give you time to make note of your location and the surrounding terrain on the way down.

My jump training consisted of how to put the thing on and how you are supposed to land after a Jump. It is kind of scary, the first time you would have to bail out would be the first jump I guess. They did train us to egress from a dragging chute in a pool though. How to get untangled in the water. stuff like that. Lots of good water training. The helicopter turning upside down in the water and then finding your way out the door with the blackout goggles is kind of cool.

[NoisyDante]

Thought of another one.  Though the disclaimer is, should anyone be offended by my word choice, please refer to 'The F Word' episode of South Park.


I had just got hired at my job, and I had been at the studio for maybe 4 months.  I'm just starting to get comfortable with most people, but I still hadn't yet met every single person in the building.

One of my operations managers sent out an email to everyone, 'Has anyone seen the vault keys?'.  Another engineer, and a friend of mine at that point, answered, 'I bet Dante stole em!'.  I then replied to ALL, 'You would say something like that ya faaaaaaaaag.'  

Little did I know, Nick had replied to ALL, though I thought it was just a reply to the ops manager and myself, in which case it wouldn't have been a big deal.  I had to scroll down in the recipients menu to see that everyone would be getting it, but it was too late of course.  My mixing partner said a minute later, 'uhhhhhhh, you didn't mean to send that to all 70 employees, did you?'.

At the time, we were employing a woman who happened to be a lesbian, and a very sensitive one at that.

I received a very very nasty email from her, which was cc'd to all of my superiors, our upper chain of command, and human resources.  I of course begin sweating bullets, and thought my job was history.

I then called my one boss, asked him what do I do, apologize or what?  He said 'Act like it never happened.'  I then got a call from another boss of mine who was out that day, and got the emails on her blackberry.  She said 'Don't worry, you're protected, and we like you more than her anyway.'

I still laid low in my room for a bit, when I finally ventured out, I was met with laughter from every single person I encountered, for a solid month.  It was really a thing of legend, and it is still talked about 3 years later.  

And the next day, I went up to wine country with some friends, and was wearing a light pink button up shirt.  When I got back to LA I went to a bar and met up with my friend Nick, another mixer, and the boss who told me to act like it never happened.  When I walked into the bar, my boss says, 'That's a fag shirt.'

The lesbian has since quit and gone back to medical school, and this facility is one of the most un-PC places I've ever been in, it's great.  No one gives a shit what anyone says, no one gets offended, and best of all, after that little event, I realized I could never get fired here.  Ever.

[Pip]

If one of those bombs fell on the ground, would it have exploded or is there some sort of "detonator" that needs to be turned on first to make that 500lbs of fun hot?

Not ignorant at all. most people don't know how this stuff works.

Drop distance on a MK82 is ten feet. Anything more than that and EOD would have to be called in. These were without fuzes. Once a fuze is installed in either nose or tail well, the drop distance goes down to 3 feet. Had they been fuzed, the sliding of the bombs into each other would have been a MUCH MUCH bigger deal, and we all would have been exacuated to past the 4000ft mark.

[DanTheMan]

I was offered to buy a midget tonight.








Still trying to figure out how to smuggle him back to the US...

[KnightofNi]

I was offered to buy a midget tonight.








Still trying to figure out how to smuggle him back to the US...

wait...what?

[ducatiz]

Again, not one of my brighter decisions in life because things were progressing nicely, but wasn't quite sure how to seal the deal in a 8 bed hostile room.

wow.

you and i are completely different people.  when i was your age (and single) i would have just announced to everyone that there was to be a performance art sketch later and it was adult oriented.  and then proceeded to bang her on a table top with an audience.

[ducatiz]

You must be fun at parties.   

oh, i am great fun, i just know the law and won't stick LSD in someone else's food!!

[GAAN]

oh, i am great fun, i just know the law and won't stick LSD in someone else's food!!

cuz it's a waste of good acid man