So my wife and I are splitting up

[powerhammer]

I hope you like turkey bacon! 

Austin has it's share of hippies but it's till Texas and you can get some badass bacon from grocery stores to mobile food trucks here.  I agree with IZ it's a good place to get away if you need it.

Best of luck with your situation, I've personally chosen the single life to pursue my dreams/aspirations first with the idea of serious relationship buried deep in my conscious underneath the personal wants etc.

[Monsterlover]

I have to say Monsterlover, this is one Issue that scares me with the Wife - Kids

She wants, I don't

I hate Kids, They annoy me, I can put up with friends kids (cause I get to give em back when they cry or shit em selves)
But as a general rule, they shit me to tears, I've talked her down from 2 kids to 1, She keeps trying to convince me, but I just don't know.
We love each other very much, but the kid thing just kills me.
All of our friends have kids, My best mate has 3, but I see how he struggles from week to week to pay the bills.
I don't want to be like that, I'm selfish I'll admit that, and that is not my main reason.

I just can't stand em, I'm not interested in having one.
I can see that this may be an issue in the near future for me as well Monsterlover.
Goodluck with the future, It'll all workout in the end

For your own reference, we have identical mindsets on that issue. . .

It's hard coded into her to have kids as much as it is in me not to.

Don't get me wrong, kids isn't the only issue.  It also has to do with the fact that we really share nothing in common.  Maybe a love of movies and good food, but not much else.

It was better when we got married.  She was 21 at the time and her mother had been dieing of breast cancer for the few years before that.  She basically stopped growing as a person during that period.

Once we got married she sidestepped into a new "safe place" and the growing continued.  It was like a light switch.  The instant that ring went on, she changed as a person big time.  Im not knocking her for that, Im actually kind of happy I could facilitate her continued growth as a person, toward her own happiness.  She just grew in her own direction and I had no control over that.

We knew when we got married that (at the time) she wanted kids and I didn't.  We said we'd cross that bridge later, and that maybe one of use would change their minds.

So between kids and her radical change as a person, it's bridge crossin' time.  I mentioned we've been married 6 years, we were together 4 years before that.  That's 10 years.  Im 31 so that's 1/3 of my life 

As much as Im terrified of dating again, there is a certain curiosity and excitement about it.  Maybe I could find someone who liked the outdoors or rode her own bike even.  Could be pretty cool.

Still scary though.

[lethe]

My wife's daughter is single and lives about a 1/2 hour from Route 30.
She's got 2 kids though, but I could be your stepdad-in-law. 

[Grampa]

I'm gonna be Mr Poopy Pants.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER AGAIN.

People do odd things around divorce time. They do things they never would have ever thought to do, and in turn, the other party gets screwed.

The very last thing you want..... is child support.

If'n a baby she wants, a baby she'll get. One way or another.


NEVER MAKE A BABY THATS NOT WANTED


I'll post more after breakfast (ham and eggs are calling me) 

[desmopr]

There are always going to be issues.  I think resolving them is part of the process of being married.  If there's unconditional love and respect between the two partners, anything is possible imo.  Doble eagle, speed dog, and bp have all said wise words.  It looks like you guys have feeling for each other, but have grown apart.  Unconditional love means making trade-offs between both of you that don't affect who you guys really are and your goals in life.  Life throws these situations at us so that we can grow.  Unfortunately many people make the beast with two backs up. (a divorce/separation is in many cases a wise thing and not a make the beast with two backs up)  It takes a real man, or a real woman to stand up for themselves and at the same time split amicably.  I wish you the best of luck man.  Everything we want or don't want in life has a trade-off.  For most women having children is, like you said, encoded in their dna.  I think it's a biological need to procreate.  We men can be very selfish.  Keep a positive attitude and you WILL survive this and become a better person.  Hope the same for her.

[Grampa]

ok.... a lil more poopieness

If....you have been the major source up funding an education, odds are, you will be asked to continue.
If thats the case, and you agree to those terms, make sure that you also get a percentage of what she earns, when the education pays off.

Unless, kids are involved, which in your case, is not an issue, I say, spit up property 50/50, and walk away owning each other nothing. No alimony, no education support..... nada.

I'm not big on lawyers, so if you two can sort though things with level heads.... I say, "why spend the money on a lawyer" Everybody thinks they need a lawyer, and that a lawyer will make things right, or fair.... remember, in most court cases, one lawyer wins, one's a loser, who's to say the one you pick isn't the loser. If you can work through the spilt and both side are happy, write down all elements of the split, and both of ya'll sign the contract in front of a notary.

Good luck..... divorces suck.

[Kyna]

I'm sorry to hear things won't be working out for you and your wife.

Okay, I'm not a lawyer in your state so take it with a grain of salt. 

In my state at last 80% of divorces are settled long before they reach court.  Once all the paperwork is filled out a judge just needs to sign-off on it and your done.  That being said, the judge doesn't have to approve the settlement.  It's good to have some type of professional who can give you a clue of what will and will not fly with the judges in your state.  This doesn't have to be a lawyer, a good divorce mediator could both help you talk through decisions the pair of you haven't thought of and sometimes even fill out the necessary paperwork.  Maintenance/alimony is becoming less and less common but seeing as you have paid the majority of living expenses don't be surprised if at least temporary maintenance is requested/required.

I'd still probably have a lawyer look it over, but I'll admit my own bias being that I'm about 9 months from becoming an attorney myself.  One lawyer can look over the whole thing for both of you.

I'm gonna be Mr Poopy Pants.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER AGAIN.

People do odd things around divorce time. They do things they never would have ever thought to do, and in turn, the other party gets screwed.

The very last thing you want..... is child support.

+1 on this.  I've seen people do crazy things when it comes to divorce and wanting children.

[duqette]

I'm gonna be Mr Poopy Pants.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER AGAIN.

People do odd things around divorce time. They do things they never would have ever thought to do, and in turn, the other party gets screwed.

The very last thing you want..... is child support.

If'n a baby she wants, a baby she'll get. One way or another.

double-tripple ++++ 11tybillion-gazillion-trillion to this.

This is coming from a female:

The hormones can make us do crazy things! After my (reasonably amicable) separation and divorce, my hormones almost took over. It was nuts. I had (have) a child, and DID NOT want more. Getting pregnant would have been the worst possible thing for me, and still, the hormones were screaming! It was awful, like being possessed. I eventually went to see my doc, explained the situation, that I was worried I would accidentally-on-purpose get pregnant, and got an IUD (which is pretty hard to defeat on the spot) put in.

Best thing I could have done.

Do not underestimate the power of the female hormone.

That said, sounds like you're taking the best possible approach to a difficult decision. Take the time to educate yourself on divorce law in your state. Best of luck to you. Be extra careful when operating internal combustion two-wheeled heavy machinery  during this stressful time.

Hang in there, this, too, will pass. (where's the "hug" smiley?)

[Statler]

ok.... a lil more poopieness

If....you have been the major source up funding an education, odds are, you will be asked to continue.
If thats the case, and you agree to those terms, make sure that you also get a percentage of what she earns, when the education pays off.

I'm not big on lawyers, so if you two can sort though things with level heads.... I say, "why spend the money on a lawyer" Everybody thinks they need a lawyer, and that a lawyer will make things right, or fair.... remember, in most court cases, one lawyer wins, one's a loser, who's to say the one you pick isn't the loser. If you can work through the spilt and both side are happy, write down all elements of the split, and both of ya'll sign the contract in front of a notary.

Good luck..... divorces suck.

Your first point, depending on the state, is exactly one hundred percent wrong in terms of what can and can't be forced (forgetting what you can agree to do for a minute)....which is why people should at least consult an attorney who practicies specifically in family law in your state.

It's great to work things out and decide for yourselves what you want to do, but it's stupid to do that without knowing some law in the area.   It's significantly worse than buying a used bike with no research into the market and doing it by just what feels fair.  Nobody would recommend doing that here.  Don't we all say to talk to an expert to have him look at and evaluate the bike?  Or at least give you a list of things to check that you might not think of yourself?

And it doesn't have to be a nasty lawyer.  Any good family law attorney should be asking what you want as a client...and telling them you want some info about separating amicably should be no problem.

Many states have required separation periods for no-fault divorces, so that time doesn't start ticking until you aren't under the same roof (some exceptions to that one).  So depending on your state, this is going to be a long process even when you fully commit to it.

Consider pensions?

Consider how things are titled, not just divying up and being done with it?

How is any debt titled?

etc.
etc.
etc.

[Grampa]

listen here lawman




I was only stating  the w/o lawyer options that they may or may not agree to.

I prefer to keep the law out of my bizzyness, but, all it takes is one person to not play along, then yeah... bring legal help in.


LM and her ex split w/o legal aid. They had kids and property. It can be done.
I..... on the other hand had no property, but we had kids.... no lawyers involved.... and I got my ass whopped daily for 17 years. (I wish I would of had some legal help)

[derby]

I'm gonna be Mr Poopy Pants.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER AGAIN.

People do odd things around divorce time. They do things they never would have ever thought to do, and in turn, the other party gets screwed.

The very last thing you want..... is child support.

If'n a baby she wants, a baby she'll get. One way or another.


NEVER MAKE A BABY THATS NOT WANTED


I'll post more after breakfast (ham and eggs are calling me) 

i'd ammend this to:

1. shut down the factory... get a vasectomy, you've already decided you don't wanna have kids

2. do whatever you want (within reason) without worrying about the above.

[Grampa]

good point derb 

[DoubleEagle]

I just want to say something about your wife wanting to have children. Don't beat yourself up over that. I personally feel that this world is in such a mess that I wouldn't want to bring a child into it. Everyday it seems that the prediction for the next generation is dire. A polluted planet that is running out of affordable resourses, food that is not going to be available because bees are dying at alarming rates (1/3rd in the US ) and scientists don't know for sure why. Without hony bees there will be no fruit or vegetables and this is going on world wide .                                                                                                                                                                                        

The population explosion in the third world countries and their insatiable need for food. If Global warming is as bad as it is demonstrated already this year with the increase of melting of the polar ice region and the projected effects that will have worldwide.. The fairly certain fact that the cost of gasoline will only contiue to increase and will we find a replacement for Petroleum before the demand way out paces the supply ( India + China ) are becoming more like our middle class and demanding cars and such and they are just getting started for the most part.                                                                                                                                                                                          

The current credit debacle has spread into almost every area of business and even private enterprises like University pension plans , so how will they ever seperate the " wheat from the chaff ." The credit debacle with regards to Subprime  lending will more than likely be followed by credit card  and auto loan collapses which may lead us deeper into the Abyss of economical distress. Look what is happening to the American Auto Manufactuers. How much longer can they exist?                                                

These are some of the reasons why I would not want to bring a child into this " world."

[Grampa]

look up.... thar be a polyticks section up yonder 

[DoubleEagle]

look up.... thar be a polyticks section up yonder 

Most of this isn't poitical...it's Reality