Texas chili judge

[Monsterlover]

Got this in my email 

_____
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in  Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in  TEXAS you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL ..




Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native  TEXANS ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE 'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besid es pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I think I'm getting drunk from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, is standing behind me with fresh refills.

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most o f it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[ducpainter]

the drano snorting got me.   

[Timmy Tucker]

Wow. A classic. One of our sales reps faxed this to us about 7-8 years ago. I adopted the snow cone line and still use it at least weekly.

[the_Journeyman]

I made some salsa Saturday...  Reminded me of this when my fiancée tasted it...  I used a bunch of not hot peppers and 2, just two Caribbean peppers.  Little, red, similar to a habeñero in size and shape.  Yup, it was hot.  I warned her.  Her comment was  "Oh, this is great sa-sa HOLY SH|T!!!!"  Seems the Caribbean peppers have a after kick.  It's not that hot until you swallow what you're eating & air hits where they were.

JM

[NeufUnSix]

I can shoot Tabasco (fun party trick) so most stuff doesn't bother me... I'm the type that thinks Frank's Red Hot is like a watery mild salsa. But if I go to a decent Indian place, I'm crying through the whole meal. Something about proper curry that will break down any seasoned chili fan.

[Monsterlover]

Frank's Red Hot isn't really that bad.  It's more a flavoring I think.

Ever try Dave's Insanity Sauce?  That's pretty hot, but still low on the Scoville scale.

[VisceralReaction]

One time I thought I would make a recipe called hell fire chicken with some habaneros. You sliced up the peppers and then laid the chicken
on them just for about 10 minutes, then grill the chicken. well I sliced the peppers and then did a couple other things.
Rinsed my hands and then went the bathroom and took a leak. I came back out to finish up a couple other things and I got an itch,
down low. I kinda scratched it and it got a bit worse, except it hurt more now. I self adjusted again and now it hurt and kinda burned.
Then it dawned on me, I headed for the bathroom and by the time I got there I was in some serious pain.
I was dancin around with my pants around my ankles trying to figure out what to do. I realized through the pain that it's an oil in the pepper.
Ah HAH, dish soap. so I am trying to wash my johnson and surrounding junk in the bathroom sink without making a mess and
twitchin and jumping from the pain. Well in walks my wife, her eyes got big and she started to laugh, till she saw the blisters.
wear  rubber gloves guys! remove before touching anything!

[rgramjet]

Do a shot of El Yucateco, Tabasco is entry level...

[Monsterlover]

Hottest sauce I've had is this

Dave's Insanity is like 50,000 Sco, this stuff is 600,000 and it's flat out ridiculous.  I put a drop on my finger, then wiped that drop on the bottle top.  All that remained was enough to color a little smear on my finger.

Holy make the beast with two backs was that hot!  I could feel it on my tongue for 40 minutes as well as the parts of my throat that saliva touched as I swallowed it all.

None for me, thanks

[LA]

The original Dave's Insanity Sauce premiered around 1995 and was one of the first sauces to be made directly from capsaicin extract, allowing it to be hotter than the hottest habanero-pepper sauces of the day. It was the only hot sauce ever banned from the National Fiery Foods Show for being too hot. It has been rated at 180,000 Scoville units, compared with 2,500-5,000 for Tabasco sauce.

The truly insane "sauces" now are made of pure capsaicin extract are being marketed, with Scoville ratings ranging from 500,000 to 16,000,000 units. They are not really sauces as they have to be diluted to be used and are marked as such for liability reasons.

Hot with good flavor is one thing, but even the habaneros are too hot for me.

LA

[rgramjet]

Ice Cube Suppositories are your friend when dealing with habaneros....

[TiAvenger]

Ice Cube Suppositories are your friend when dealing with habaneros....

Milk....  it bonds to capsaicin. Makes a huge difference (whole milk BTW)

I loves me the peppers...   

[rgramjet]

Hm, Ice Cube Suppositories made from MILK!!!!  I think we might be on to something.....or maybe just "On something"....

[ryandalling]

Hm, Ice Cube Suppositories made from MILK!!!!  I think we might be on to something.....or maybe just "On something"....

Umm... I vote for just "On something" .... I don't care how many chili's I have eaten... there is no way in hell I am shoving frozen milk into the out-hole. 

[rgramjet]

youve obviously never eaten a whole habanero.....