Ducati Monster Forum

One hasn't been started yet. So I thought I would share withall of you a race I had with a H  . . .  Har  .  .  .  Harley.  Whew!  There.  I got it out.

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 30 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but
when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

 [laugh] Damn I need a head scratching smiley... cause I was wondering??  [cheeky]

Kawboy,
That's hilariously suspensefull.....
I will forward this to my HD friends including your phone number and home address ;D

I'd be worried if I knew you had them   .   .   .   or do you???

Sigh    . . .    How much do shotguns cost now-a-days?   [laugh]

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

 [popcorn]  You had me going, too!  What a hoot!

All I know is that even their pictures will slow a computer down and hog up oodles of megabytes.  I have to go buy another memory stick or a notebook to get the three or four shots I got of them in Carrizozo! 

Not much going on this time of year riding wise... Thought I share this ;D
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1203580/top_10_funniest_commercials_of_2008/ (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1203580/top_10_funniest_commercials_of_2008/)

 [clap] [clap] [clap]

I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed that!

 [thumbsup]

Didn't mean to hold out on you, but here is my favorite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZSCxcnRvk0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZSCxcnRvk0)

As you can tell I got waaaay to much time on my hands ;D

Wow, I had never seen that side of your sense of humor.   [laugh] [laugh]  How come you never bust out at DucNight on that note??

I'm just a modest guy barely getting to know you all.. wouldn't want to expose myself to just anyone ;D
BTW, couldn't have run into a better bunch of good people [thumbsup]

A tale of two diaries:

HER DIARY : Tonight I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY: I lost a street race to a Honda today, but at least I got laid.

Probably NSFW.... fair warning before you click play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5sTBrs4fhQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5sTBrs4fhQ)

Couldn't leave the Condom family as the latest addition, so try this:

WHAT DO DEER THINK?
 
 Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.
 
 The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' "
 
 Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
 
 The interview ended at that point.




I like Ted.

Results of sending joke to girlfriend:

Her:
I'd like to think you and I communicate better than that. 

And that you wouldn't do that to me. 

Although I could just be deluded... what do you think?

Me:
I thought it was funny.

This is one of the funnier superbowl commercials:
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/EUtwNtE1NBA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

OMFG!  I almost bailed out of my chair!  If you've never had a horse bust ass in front of you, don't try it at home.  An open flame is certainly not advised.  Mine does it to me on purpose, little snothead. 

Dude!  I dug the farting horse video.  That was off the hook, man.  Here is my favorite superbowl commercial.  It would be perfect if that sheep was an alpaca.   [evil]

(http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc120/bonfygloria/posters/th_Budweiser_Streaker.jpg) (http://s216.photobucket.com/albums/cc120/bonfygloria/posters/?action=view&current=Budweiser_Streaker.flv)

Here is what we have to look forward to:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAqPMJFaEdY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAqPMJFaEdY)

OMG!!  What  a roar!  I'd never be able to get my ass into that thing.  Love those dancers!

THE  HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
 After  their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was  enough, as they  could not afford a  larger bed.So the  husband went to  his veterinarian and told  him that he  and his cousin didn't want to  have any more  children.The doctor told him  that there was a  procedure called a  vasectomy that could fix the  problem but that  it was expensive. "A less  costly alternative," said the  doctor, "is to  go home, get a cherry  bomb, (fireworks  are legal in  Alabama) light it, put  it in a  beer can (COORS), then hold the  can up to  your ear and count to  10."The Alabamian said to  the doctor, "I may  not be  the smartest tool in  the shed, but I  don't see how  putting a cherry  bomb in a  beer can next  to my ear  is going to  help me.""Trust me," said the doctor.So the  man went home, lit a cherry bomb and  put it in  a beer can. He  held the can  up to his  ear and began to  count!     "1""2""3""4""5"At which point he  paused, placed the beer  can between his legs and continued counting on his  other hand.(This procedure also works in  Tennessee , Minnesota, Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West  Virginia , Washington DC, and in some eastern providences of Texas  .)

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class. As the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard:   T T T 1 A ..

She looked at the children and said, 'Who wrote this?'

Little Keith raises his hand and says, 'I did, teacher.'

Well, what does that mean, Keith?" Asked the teacher.

Keith answers, 'It means,' To The Teacher 1 Apple 'and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

'Very good,' says the teacher, 'Thank you'.

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom and notices once again, something written on the board. 
This time, the chalkboard reads:  T T T 1 O  -

She asked the children, 'Who wrote this?'

Then little Bobby answers, 'I did, teacher.'

The teacher says, 'Well, Bobby, what does that mean?'

Bobby says, 'It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange', and he gives the teacher an orange.

'Very nice, Bobby, thank you', said the teacher.

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board:  'F U C K 1 T'.

Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, 'WHO WROTE THIS!?!'

Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, 'I did, teacher.'

Angrily, the teacher asks, 'Well, what does this mean, Juanito? '

It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids, 1 Tamale.'

It's always the little Chicano kids that get in trouble for no reason at all?
 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

Wow, I feel honored.   I've known the "Angry Johny Joke"  for over 30yrs. 

 I like this Spanish/Mexican version better.   (http://smileydatabase.com/s/748.gif)     


Heeeeeere  teacher, teacher         8)   

Here is what happens when I can't ride ....I come up with sinister ways to make
you laugh ;D
<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i303.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/The_Screw_Up_-_LastFM_Commercial.flv">

That was a good one, Zaster!

Here's an old favorite of mine:


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man
gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push,"  he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
 "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
 
 

Mom said I could be anything I wanted, but I never wanted to be an attorney.......

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to
                    you that morning?
WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:    My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the
                    impact?
WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:    No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
                   memory at all?
WITNESS:    Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:    I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of
               something you forgot?
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
               person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
               the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:    Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was
               August 8th?
WITNESS:    Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:    Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:    By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:    Take a guess.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:    Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
               male.
____________________________________
   
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
                performed on dead people?
WITNESS:    All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
               fight.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
               school did you go to?
WITNESS:    Oral.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the
            body?
WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:    If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 
And the best for last:
 
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
               you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was
               alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:    Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
               jar.
ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been
               alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been
               alive and practicing law.

Enjoy:
<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i303.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/Church-Compilation07.flv">

I found this cute.  Check the homework before kids take it to school.

(http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm203/feckert/Misc/snowshovel.jpg)

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.  Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it i n.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith

Let me know how you did [clap] [laugh]
http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants (http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants)
Helps to think or in this case sh.. outside the box ;D

Just would like to see how good my fellow monsters are in getting this right:
(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/th_perception.jpg) (http://s303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/?action=view&current=perception.flv)

How cruel is this:
http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/image001.jpg (http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/image001.jpg)
Maybe if he buys a Desmosedici he will fell like a real man again....never mind ...he won't be
able to reach the controls
 ;D [laugh] [clap]

Be careful what you ask for.   [laugh]

Yeah... It's all in the wording,  funny stuff right there [laugh]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

 

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

 

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

 

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

 

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

 

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

 

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

 

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

 

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Ducati ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

I love this joke.         Probably more based on the fact that I've heard different versions for many years.

Goes to show.  Every Dog (Hog & Duc) has their day.   

Cover your eyes if you sensative to political humor....... better yet get an enema to clense yourself of your self-righteousness...... in other words get over it and laugh........



PIG ?

 

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he

was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State  Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House

Nancy Pelosi."

 

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."
 

 
 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

 [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]

Somebody on the German Ducati forum seems to have figured out the source of the swineflu:
(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/schweinegrippe.jpg)

:@  :P

This is what happens when I can't ride,
ASTRONAUT (REMI GAILLARD) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAONkS06LFU#lq-lq2-hq-vhq)
URBAN TOUCHOWN (REMI GAILLARD) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_VTH52TGOQ#lq-lq2-hq-vhq)
Goes to show that the French have a sense of humor after all

 [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]

I love those!!  Thanks for the laughs!  [clap]

That astronaut was frickin' hilarity!  [laugh]

Quoi??  Mensonge!!   Menteur.   :D

Well I dare to differ.....As a matter of fact I know they do...We didn't meet a single person in France that wasn't
friendly or hospitable. The jury is still out why they don't like to speak any language other than French even if they know it and whether it is due to arrogance or shyness. When asked in French whether they speak English they would
reply yes and make an attempt to do so. [wine]
I thought you are part French, must be that French sense of humor  [bow_down]

I had no adverse experiences in France either whenever I have been there other than the time I forgot to leave a tip (their tip ticket was separate).  Other than that, everyone was pretty cool.  So my conclusion....people are people.  :)

Well, you guys are more knowledgeable than I am.  I haven't been to Europe yet.  My great-great grandfather came over from France and settled in Missouri.  Later the family moved to Oklahoma.  So, since I am not first generation French, I can't take much credit or blame for any of their attitudes or actions.  I have read up on their history and current culture.  I do stand by them and am more sympathetic to their nature than the average American.  They take a lot of abuse from just about everyone on their politics.  That probably accounts for some of their spikiness.  OKay, I'm done.  Fire away. 

Nothing wrong with your French connection......I visited the home of Jeanne d' Arc who was one bad ass lady....so are you [thumbsup]  
Learn to live with it [bow_down]

Hey, you shave your legs and pits so you're ok with me.  [coffee]

Seems like just yesterday we were talking about this??>...  ;D OK I get it. Tell me more.

Which reminds me, don't forget to write and thank your Grandma for the money... [cheeky]  You'd better thank them for the small sums if you want to stay in the will for the big ones.   :-*

Yup, I'm always packin' my lip gloss and a razor.  At least I've got that going for me. 
Hey, have you checked out the French ladies lately?  They seem to be past the post-WWI era.  Once again, I only know what the media presents, but they seem to be pretty on top of things these days.   ;D


You're the bomb, Zaster, you always put a positive spin on things.  I'm not worthy.  Back at ya!!    [bow_down] [bow_down]

Spoken like a true MOM.  [thumbsup]


Nope.  Haven't checked them out recently, but good to know they have modernized.  Phew!


I concur! Cheers to you, Zaster!  [beer]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I have nothing against the HD crowd but I thought this quote is funny:

"Harley Davidson - The most effective way to turn gasoline into noise without the side effect of horsepower."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................
"Try doing it with the engine running."

I like that   [clap]

 A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."









There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

Here is one for the ladies:
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.  He arrests him for indecent exposure.
> As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
> The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did." 
 
> "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.
> Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.
> Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. so I did.
> Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'
> And here I am."
> Son of a gun, blonde men do exist ! 
 

 [laugh]  [laugh]

I kept picturing Brad Pitt's character from Thelma and Louise.   [clap]  [popcorn]  [bacon]

Ummmmmm, yummmmmy......

 [bow_down] [bow_down] [bow_down]

 [bacon] [bacon] [bacon]

(auto-reply to all posts regarding Brad Pitt)

You can do that??  :o

No.

Oh.   [roll]

Saw this today on the German board:
(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/es_kann_noch_schlimmer_kommen.jpg)
Translation: When everything goes wrong...just remember, things could always be worse ;D

 [laugh]  [laugh]

Thanks for the laugh...and soo true.   [thumbsup]    [bacon]

Three old men are sitting around Coffee at Dawn pregnant doging about their health.

KingBaby says: "Every morning at 8 I get up to take a leak and stand there for an hour with nothing but a few drops coming out"

Zaster says: "Thats nothing.  Every morning at 8 I sit down to take a shit and stress and strain for just a few plops."

HunkyPunk says:  "I got you all beat.  Every morning at 8 I take big ole healthy dump and a nice long piss."

to which Zaster replies: "WTF are you pregnant doging about?  That is great!!"

HunkyPunk says: "I dont wake up until 11"

 ;D

 [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]

I just would like to know who "leaked" that conversation to DDGM  >:( For the records, it wasn't me.

WHEW!!!  I skated out of that one.    [thumbsup]
Waiting for the come backs.    [popcorn] [popcorn]

These three old men Kawboy, Zaster....  [coffee]

You forgot a word.   ;D

So who's the third guy or gal?

Here is how you can tell when a banana has gone bad:



(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/MadBanana.jpg)

   Hay Zaster, Shannon wants to know where You found the bananna picture?, too damn funny  [laugh] [laugh]

   found it, thanks anyway..

Drugs you shouldn't take while operating a motor vehicle:

(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/th_10_drugs_not_to_take_driving.jpg) (http://s303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/?action=view&current=10_drugs_not_to_take_driving.flv)

BTW, here are a couple of terms that might need translation:
Klebstoff = glue
alle zusammen = all (drugs) together

        Enjoy ;D

This one is for all the older or middle aged folks:

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...   

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.
 
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?


 

 [clap] [clap]

I'm old...

You forgot the 'and I'm wise' part [thumbsup]

 [laugh]

I'm too old to remember if I'm wise or not.

http://ninja250.kingston.net/hand_signals/ (http://ninja250.kingston.net/hand_signals/)

ROTFLMFAO!!!      ;D   I'm printing that out for use at the next SoCo DOG meeting.   We need to make sure we are communicating clearly.

(http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc120/bonfygloria/posters/baby.jpg)

 [laugh] Oh my, finally a safe way to ride with my little one!  [moto]

Marriage....



 The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday
morning when I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to
immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole
using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Sooooo   . . .   She actually said that, uh?     [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]    I think I would have reworded it slightly.

Somewhere near  Rochester, NY

Ed (not DucDog)  set out to bag his buck at 5:30 a.m.

By 11:30 a.m., he was exhausted and hungry...and still no buck.

 At 12 noon, the mighty hunter Ed guards the remains of his lunch

while a passerby snaps a quiet photo

while trying not to startle the deer with a belly laugh.  [clap]

 (http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/tiredhunter.jpg)

Ok, one more:

(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/AdviseColumn.jpg)

Both very funny...   [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]  [clap]

Roping a Deer

Author unknown - for good reason!!!!

Actual letter from someone who farms, He writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no
chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand....kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you,
it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull.. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse.. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds..

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated, Bruised and Bleeding Rancher........................

Good story, Scottish
I can confirm the powerful fight these animals have, in 1987 I worked for an excavating company on a job at the Royal Gorge Bridge, nearby was a rock quarry where several of my friends also worked, in the evenings We would all meet at the picnic area and drink beer,discussing the days adventures. While doing this, the local, basically tame deer population would come right up looking for handouts, We would feed them, even petting them at times. One friday after a few beers, one of the quarry employees, [who will remain nameless] opened the back doors of his ford van, and produced a head of cabbage and a claw hammer. stating He was "Gonna git Me that buck" We all thought He was joking. After luring a rather large four point buck to the back of the van and having it eat cabbage out of his hand, He swung and hit the deer in the head with the side of the hammer. The Fight Was ON!!  The guy grabbed the deers antlers and went for the ride, about 100yds, slamming from the deers back to the ground like a rag doll, repeatedly. finally the deer threw him off and ran away, We were all laughing so hard We couldnt move. We finally realized the guy was in trouble and took him to the hospital, He screwed up his neck and back, concussion, broken nose, antler gore thru his right hand, took months to heal. To this day I can't think about that scene without laughing, for several years We all got together to celebrate "Norm's deer hunt"   and yes this is a true story !!!

 :o [laugh]

 [coffee]

Score:

Deer                          2
Stupid Humans            0


I'll bet the deer stopped coming around for the handouts after that surprise attack.      ???

So far it's a shutout.  Not even close.  Next we'll have a drunken cowboy trying to ride one like a bull. 

Take note of the spelling.  It's "cowboy" not "Kawboy".  I do my bull riding in Red River with a nice soft pad to fall on.    ;D

My niece in Germany sent me this joke and I'm trying to translate it:
 There was a young man who travelled to the nearest town to buy a birthday present for his new girl friend.  Since they just met he decided after careful consideration to buy a pair of gloves. ..a somewhat romantic gift but not too personal. His younger sister accompanied him to the department store and he found a lovely pair of white fur lined gloves. His sister bought a set of sexy panties and as luck would have it, the sales person switched the items when she wrapped the gift. On his way out of town the young man stopped at the post office to mail the gift with the following note: “My dear, I decided to get these for you since I noticed that you didn’t wear any when we got together in the evening.  I personally would have preferred the taller style but I was told that the shorter ones can be removed quicker. I know that white is a sensitive color but the sales lady showed me hers which she wore for more than three weeks and they don’t look dirty at all. I asked her to try on yours and they looked great on her. I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time. When you take them off you should blow some air into them since they might retain some moisture while wearing them. I hope you wear them on our date this Friday.
                    Love  
P.S.: For the latest style… fold them back a bit to show some fur

 [roll] Could be my translation skills, but it sounds funnier in German.

 [laugh]
 I dunno Zaster, it's pretty funny in english too!

Its been a while but I have heard that joke in English as well.  A classic that never gets old as far as I'm concerned!   [bow_down]

Subject:  Is sex work?



A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of
it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

Found on another forum.. Definitely worth sharing:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said:
“Out of all your friends, you're the biggest..  ;) “

 [thumbsup]

 [laugh]

 [clap]  [popcorn]

It's all in the wording you see.
  
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling!
It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in  Montana   in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid  share this common ancestor..

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in  Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.."


NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!
Its all about how you write it! Spin comes to my mind ;D

 

Twisted...  Seriously twisted!  [roll]

No shit....we live it every day :-[

Werd...   8)

You do have a way with words [thumbsup]

Subject: FW: Urgent Internet Warning!


 


 

 


 
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it...
 
It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

Thanks, Scottish.  I'd rate such an abomination right up there with tubgirl and goatsee. 

You can never unsee what you have seen!   :'(

nancy is hot.  what are you talkin about?  id tap that.  [thumbsup]
















 [coffee]

I had to use Google to understand the joke.. and yes.. now I REALLY understand the joke.   [bang]

Yeah, but you'd screw a snake if you could get someone to hold it straight for you.  [coffee]














 [laugh]

Nah, let it wiggle around...its more fun that way  [thumbsup]

Huh?  Links, please.  What are you saying?   ;D

Youve been warned...
http://images.google.com/images?q=Nancy+Pelosi&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7ADBR_en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi (http://images.google.com/images?q=Nancy+Pelosi&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7ADBR_en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi)

It's like a train wreck.  You don't wanna look, but you can't look away. 

Damn you, Sir.  Damn you.

    Still not near as hot as Janet Reno.... [roll]      go ahead....Google that, I dare Ya!!

[puke] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..........!!!!!!

mmm Janet Reno is so yummy.  I am having dreams of her and Condolice Rice.....  yeah baby.  bow wow....

This is a perfect example of, check in on the forum often king. This is a lot of "info" to take in (and throw up) at once.  If you photo shop Lindsey Vonns entire body over theirs, they actually look pretty good. 

   Good Morning King, yeah, I personally had to go to "The Daily Bikini" to get that out of my mind. I blame Scottish for any eye or brain damage that occured as a result of this barbaric subject matter... :o

DAMN!!!       This is supposed to be a joke threat, not a choke and puke  [puke]    [bang]



Here's some nursery rhymes to read to you kids, or grand kids, or future kids   . . .   which ever applies.


Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************



Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************



Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************



Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

'What have you got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon,

'Pies, you dumb ass' !!

********************



Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************



Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************



Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************



There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Threatening...Violating.... Yes...Yes.   :o

THREAT    THREAD         It's only one leter (sic).  Even spel (sic) check would have missed it.   :)

Tomato, Tomato.

Patato, Patato

Vonn, Rice.

They're all the same.   [roll]

 [laugh]

 Missed one Kawboy:

  There was an Old Whore from Peru
 
  Whose crotch she did fill with glue

  She said with a grin

  "You'll pay to get in"

  "And you'll pay to get outta Me too"

  yeah, I know.... [puke]

<bows> thank you ladies and gents, I'll be here all week.

 ;D

Thought I share a couple of interesting images:

Must be an HD rider:

(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/mororcyclejoke.jpg)

Like the hand bag:

(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/NicePurse.jpg)

Just wondering how many accidents this could cause ;D [laugh] [clap]

Why do women that don't need a bag like that carry one   ???

Life is cruel   [bang]

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Kansas had owned a large farm for several Years.  He had a large pond in the back. 
It was properly shaped for swimming, so  he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until  you leave!' 

 The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'  Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.  ;D

Guts or Balls?
  
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?  In an
effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
  
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
  
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
  
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
  
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.  Both result in
death. ;D

That is what my cutlass is for.   :D

And you can imagine where that broom would end up.   [thumbsup]

I expected to draw a strike from the opposite gender.....nice job Bonfy [clap]

 

Fact of Life:


After Monday and Tuesday...
even the calendar says

W T F

 

I like F day...  [thumbsup]

don't we all    ;D

Apparently they didn't consider the sun when designing this wall... :o

(http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/image.jpg)

Anyone want to take a guess where this wall is located?

SAINT PETER'S BASILICA
Now that's funny!  [laugh] [laugh]

   Maybe that's why it's St PETER'S       yeah.. I know..

Zaster & KRK.

Now that's funny  [laugh]

I'm one that sees a joke & if it takes more than about three sentences to tell...I'm out.

It's easier to walk up my three flights of stairs & look in the mirror.   :P


Nice pecker, Peter.  [thumbsup]

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

For the Saint Patty Irish in all of us:

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

    A young couple were visiting the Art Museum when They came across a painting of three Irish coal miners waiting to shower after their shift. All three stood, covered in coal dust, completely black. Except for the Man in the middle, who had a white penis. as the couple stared at the scene, the museum curator approached, and began to explain how the picture represented the "white male dominance in the working society, etc.". He soon left and the couple were even more puzzled about the painting. Seeing their interest an Old Man walked up and asked if they wanted to know the real meaning of the painting. After explaining he was the artist, He told them "It has nothing to do with White, Black or society. They are just coal miners waiting to take a shower, and the Man in the middle simply went home for lunch!!"

    have a good St. Patty's day... and try to get home for lunch! ;)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied.  "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good", she replied.  "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

 The End

That smarts ;D
HD PREMIERE!  The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon by Richard Gale (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDvgL58h_Y#normal)

This is the last phone you'll ever need:
xphone promo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udlxr8t1nZM#normal)

OK, Stuart....here's the lovely Dog I was telling you about this morning....

Dog treats Pikachu Bad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlT3KbiCyrA#normal)

Maybe a group buy for the older members might be in order [clap] ;D [thumbsup]
The Nut Bra | DeslGlitch VOTW (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHT457n_l4c#normal)

Does that come in a D cup?

Lance.. This made me think of you..

http://www.lite.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/photo.php?pid=4638539&fbid=426461993467&id=61401738467&ref=nf (http://www.lite.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/photo.php?pid=4638539&fbid=426461993467&id=61401738467&ref=nf)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs628.snc4/58833_426461993467_61401738467_4638539_2345912_n.jpg)

I'm hoping this posts and I dont have to rehost the image.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

   Pretty Heavy Alpaca action there, I'm sure Lance is lookin' for the clippers. This could get ugly!!!!

Ratfink, you are my new best homie.  I'm gonna look you up next time I'm in the hood. 

(http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc120/bonfygloria/favorites/alpacas.jpg)

Newest in the harem.

NSFW. A hunter shoots a bear! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ba1BqJ4S2M#normal)

That's how brutally the new VW Golf R32 accelerates:
http://img841.imageshack.us/img841/2240/17069323929962288544162.jpg (http://img841.imageshack.us/img841/2240/17069323929962288544162.jpg)

Thought you might enjoy this:
When you ride the motorcycle ..... dont see woman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIGw2Exx3Gg&NR=1#normal)

Nice bike ;D [clap]
http://www.gaskrank.tv/tv/motorrad-fun/ducati-sind-geil-1579.htm (http://www.gaskrank.tv/tv/motorrad-fun/ducati-sind-geil-1579.htm)

4 engineers driving in a car when the car breaks down:

Mechanical Engineer: Must've thrown a rod, or bent a valve... 
Electrical Engineer:  Nope...  It's got to be a computer sensor, or a short somewhere
Chemical Engineer:  Nah...  Got to be in the fuel system.
Computer Engineer:  Hey, let's all get out of the car, shut the doors, & get back in.

 [laugh]

(Stolen from someone who probably stole it from someone else.. but hell I laughed at some of it.. figured I'd pass it on)

The secret diaries of MotoGP Stars:
CASEY STONER

Monday
This morning we got up real early to drive up to the Top End. Adriana asked us to make some coffee. It was unreal because we got a really good setup on the bean grinder almost straight away but then... I dunno... maybe the temperature changed or something because all of a sudden we didn't get the sort of bean grinding performance we needed. So Adriana made tea.

Tuesday
We spoke to Mr. Suppo on the phone and it went real good. We told him we are feeling much better and will be back racing at Estoril. Unless we don't feel good and then we won't. Mr. Suppo was happy with us but Jorge must have parked his scooter in one of our spots because all Mr. Suppo could talk about was "make the beast with two backsing Lorenzo. The make the beast with two backsing Brian W. make the beast with two backsing us around like that." We need to be careful where we park our scooters.

Wednesday
Here we are in the Top End! It's real good. The Maloo ran real good on the way up. We don't know why other people can't drive their utes at 240km/h everywhere. Maybe the media should ask them.

Thursday
We went fishing for barramundi today. At first it was real good as we got a real good setup on the fishing rod. But then our wrist started to hurt and we couldn't run the level of tension we needed on the reel. This was disappointing because we thought were in with a chance of catching a fish today and it's frustrating that our wrist didn't let that happen. But we'll try to stay positive and move on to the next river bend.

Friday
The team must be real excited to have us back as it looks like everyone is working on our bikes. We had a real good text from Nicky and he said "that dumb sunovapregnant dog Kallio has screwed ur motorz dewd". It's great that even another rider is pitching in to help our mechanics prep our bike.


VALENTINO ROSSI

Monday
In the beginning, this morning I get up early and I do a big shit. I say to Uccio to take her and make gold plate on her and take her to hospital of sick children so all can enjoy her.

Tuesday
Today I am very, how you say, tired. I sleep in the bushes outside the villa of Signore Stefano Domenicali so we can make the Formula 1 talks this morning. Maybe he not see me because he drive very fast past me. I chase him on scooter but he have Ferrari 599 and I have Yamaha T-Max so is not so easy to make the catch.

Wednesday
Today I tell Uccio to put on clothes of cleaning lady and go in other side of garage. He check everything and other side has toilet paper the same like my side! I tell Signore Jarvis maybe he thinks this is right but I think this is not right and other side should use my toilet paper after I use. Signore Jarvis say, "For make the beast with two backs's sake." then I say Ducati have nice toilet paper and Honda are making the ultrasonic arse cleaning machine so maybe he think about that.

Thursday
Today Mr. Burgess make a very good idea on the M1 bike. When you take 2nd gear, if your name start with 'J' then the bike, she explode. I tell this idea to Mr. Furasawa but he say nothing. This how Japanese peoples say yes I think.

Friday
Uccio, he tell me, that there is newspaper in west part of China that has no picture of me today. We both cry for the sadness of this. I try to make a help for this peoples. I paint my balls yellow and Uccio take picture and send to Chinese peoples. Now they can be happy and see my yellow balls when they eat cat for breakfast tomorrow.


JAMES TOSELAND

Monday
Today me and Gary made some very good progress on setup. I was thrilled. We put an extra three clicks of rebound damping on the sustain pedal. It really helped me with the middle 8 of "Could It Be Magic?" Loads of voicemails from that Poncheral bloke asking me questions about motorbikes. He needs to cool it.

Tuesday.
I so needed a wax so I just had the whole kit and kaboodle done at Pink Planet. Feels so good. I look like Dani down there now. Ran into Suzi Perry there, probably trying to get her money back.

Wednesday
I stuck my head round the wall in the garage just to say "Hi" to Misery Guts Colin. Oh! My! God! He stuck a gun in my face and told me to "Back it the make the beast with two backs up and get back to the make the beast with two backsing circle jerk with the other make the beast with two backsing losers".

Thursday
Still a bit upset about Misery Guts and the way he spoke to me yesterday. I got the boiz to move the bike to one side of the garage to make some space for me. Then I put some Basshunter on my iPod and danced on my own for a couple of hours.

Friday
I spoke to Roger on the phone today. I told him I didn't think the crew chief swap had worked out. I mean, I did hate Guy's hair but he did know what he was doing. I said to Roger maybe I'd been a bit hasty and we should swap back next year. Roger laughed and said that was one thing I definitely didn't need to worry about. So that's that sorted then, he's such a good manager.


JORGE LORENZO - translated from the Spanish

Monday
What is a man? What can a man be? As I looked in the mirror for 8 hours today I resolved this question. The sight of my long limbs and clear, intelligent eyes showed me exactly the essence of man. Then I tripped and fell through the mirror.

Tuesday
Today I went with PalaWeb to Starbucks. Glittering tears filled my eyes as I successfully ordered a tall skinny latte in a vente cup. Is it too much to imagine that the constellations aligned themselves precisely to allow this shining triumph of the human spirit to occur? Perhaps only the most mean minded cynics would deny such a thing. As I planted a celebratory flag in the counter top the barista was so happy, so absolutely consumed by the most feverish species of joy possible for a human being, that she couldn't even smile.

Wednesday
I carry a grave and heavy burden today. An enormous black boulder of fear and anxiety. It is my concern that the iPhone of His Majesty King Juan Carlos I is not working as it should. I sent him a message on Facebook suggesting that Spain be officially renamed to the more simple and appropriate La Tierra de Lorenzo but he has not replied. I have similar concerns about the battery in the Palm Pre belonging to UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

Thursday
There appears to be some florid and ostentatious band of Italian petty criminals and gypsies lurking in the other side of my garage. I shall have them removed instantly. In fact, using just the power of my mind I shall imagine that they doesn't exist and hence they won't.

Friday
As I rode my M1 today it seemed that it trailed a beautiful corona of silver, glittering stars in space. Those who would seek to deny these things would, of course, say that I imagined it. Did I? Did I really? Or perhaps they imagined that I imagined it don't you think? I noticed that the team has taken my spare bike and are fitting a gun rack and cow horns on it. This must be a special tribute to me.


BEN SPIES

Monday
Damn. More spam email. Always from this ‘crasher41@hotmail.co.jp’ guy. This one just says “make the beast with two backs YOU BEN! I LIED TO DEAN ADAMS FOR YOU AND SAID MY KID LIKED YOU! make the beast with two backs YOU!”

Tuesday
Well, I’ll be dipped in dogshit, turns out I was wrong. Nicky can be a dude’s name too. Goddam those Kentucky mothermake the beast with two backsers! How’d y’all like that? A dude called Nicky!

Wednesday
Colin was complaining about front end chatter. I just told him. Plain and simple. “Suck it up, princess. Ride through that shit. It’s no country for old men out there.”

Thursday
Hit up my bro Hopper on the Facebook talkin’ ‘bout pit lane honeys. He said “At Donington just jerk off instead and when you get to the Sachensring bring a Weed Whacker.” WTF? It’s gonna be some long months till we hit Laguna.

Friday
So that cat Rossi comes slidin’ over to our garage and was fixin’ to start flappin’ his pasta hole. I gave it to homeboy straight. “Yo, I’ve had my balls busted for three years by the goddam master – Mladin. So you’ve got no shot buddy. Now git or it won’t be your purdy yella panties you’re pullin’ out of your butt on your next out lap it’ll be my size 12 Alpinestars boot.”


THE SECRET DIARY OF DANIEL PEDROSA, AGED 13¾

Monday
I saw Randy go into his motorhome with two GIRLS! I ran over to ask him what he was doing. I said if he was going to play Forza 3 on the 360 then I was allowed to play for 30 minutes but if they were going to play Mass Effect 2 then I couldn't play at all because I'm not allowed to play that type of game. Randy said they were beta testing a new game called Ménage à Trois and I probably wouldn't like it. How does he know I won't like it? He's not the boss of me.

Tuesday
I am very angry. Today Andrea and Jorge stole my helmet. They would not give it back to me even though I told them that Mr. Puig makes me pay for all my gear from my allowance. They kept throwing it back and forward and wouldn't give it back to me unless I turned on the spot 200 times while saying "I'm a gaylord." over and over again. I think my lap times weren't so good because I still felt dizzy and sick.

Wednesday
Very big news today, dear diary. I saw Andrea smoke a CIGARETTE behind the Bridgestone truck with some other boys from Tech 3. I immediately ran to tell Mr. Puig. He said I had done the right thing to tell him then he sent me straight to bed without supper for being a tell tale. Andrea pushed a note under my door to say he was going to get me. I'll tell if he does.

Thursday
Hoorah! I finally got Rayquaza in Pokémon HeartGold! Then Marco told me he would think about letting me be his second best friend if I gave him my Nintendo DS. So I did and then Marco said that in return I could sometimes stand quite close to him if nobody else was watching. Marco is so cool. I'd like to have my hair like his but Mr. Puig wouldn't allow it.

Friday
Today Mrs. Capirossi smiled at me. That's the second time this week. It made me have that funny feeling below my tummy again. Maybe tonight I'll have that dream again where my engine blows out its coolant and the end of the Sepang straight.

Ok, yeah...  the above was worth the 5 minutes.  Thanks W!  [thumbsup]

that was make the beast with two backsing awesome wayne....   [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

Just read everyhing posted on the different threads for the week, and with the exception of your Actual crash, JJ (That sucks), Y'all is some funny MoFos. With a touch of weird & hmmm thrown in. Thanks for the laughs... Some strangely hysterical.

Joke wasn't bad either, Wayne.

Happy Vet Day, Vets  [bow_down]

This is a game called 'The Spoon Game"
All you need is a couple of friends and some beer  ;D [clap]
Das Löffelspiel (Extended Version) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bKRchTqDDY#normal)