DMF joke thread

[DarkMonster620]

[Speedbag]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[ducpainter]

Sex After Death!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first
would come back and ... inform the other if there is sex after
death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was
the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Donna ........Donna "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I
have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have
sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much
have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to
golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I
catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again".
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina .”

[kopfjäger]

 

[DarkMonster620]

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence,
so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client

[DarkMonster620]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It’s made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have a carport.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always wake up before her.”

Lawyer: “Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She’s going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I have proof.”

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says … ‘Polish remover.’ ”

[ducpainter]

Classic....
 
'Why Older Men Don't Get Hired'
 
 
 
Job Interview:
 Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
 Old Man : "Honesty!"
 Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
 Old Man : "I don't give a make the beast with two backs what you think."


 

[kopfjäger]

I tell that one all the time when I'm teaching, along with my 'Lone Ranger' joke.

[koko64]

Classic....
 
'Why Older Men Don't Get Hired'
 
 
 
Job Interview:
 Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
 Old Man : "Honesty!"
 Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
 Old Man : "I don't give a make the beast with two backs what you think."


 

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Classic....
 
'Why Older Men Don't Get Hired'
 
 
 
Job Interview:
 Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
 Old Man : "Honesty!"
 Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
 Old Man : "I don't give a make the beast with two backs what you think."


 

Has Craslo seen this?

[DarkMonster620]

Has Craslo seen this?

Yes, why?

[Randimus Maximus]

Yes, why?

Something to keep in mind for your next job interview. 

[DarkMonster620]

Something to keep in mind for your next job interview. 

No need for me to talk . . . I ooze with honesty

[Popeye the Sailor]

Someone asked a retiree, " do you have a job?"

He replied "I am my wife's sexual advisor ". Somewhat shocked , they said , " what do you mean by that?"

" Very simple ", he said , "my wife told me that when she wants my make the beast with two backsing advise , she'll ask for it !"



You can tell I've been married for a while. Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' And I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'


On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"



I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

[Popeye the Sailor]

20 something girl goes into a bank & tells the teller she wants to open an account. She pushes a bag across the counter that’s stuffed with a lot of small bills.
Teller says: “There’s a lot of money in here, young lady. Did you horde all this yourself?”
Girl: “Oh, no, sir. My sister whored half of it!"


Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”
Newton says “No no, Einstein. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”



All the organs of the body were having a medical meeting, trying to
decide who was in charge.

'I should be in charge', said the brain, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen'.

'I should be in charge', said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen
all over, so without me you'd all waste away'.

'I should be in charge', said the stomach, 'because I process food
and give all of you energy'.

'I should be in charge', said the rectum, 'because I'm responsible
for waste removal'.

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so
in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually all the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the
rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be
in charge... just an asshole.