DMF joke thread

[triangleforge]

 

[kopfjäger]

My girlfriend (Susan) texted me earlier: “Why don’t you ever put an x at the end of your texts?”

I replied “Sorry babe. Sandra.”

[Jaman]

If you are ever feeling like your job in Life is devoid of any Meaning...



Remember that right at this moment, someone, somewhere is installing a turn signal in a BMW...

[Jaman]

Never blame someone else for the road your Life is on...


That's your own asphalt...

[kopfjäger]

  💯

[ungeheuer]

My girlfriend (Susan) texted me earlier: “Why don’t you ever put an x at the end of your texts?”

I replied “Sorry babe. Sandra.”

[Howie]

Sad News from Minnesota

Pillsbury Doughboy
Return to Main Margie's Messages Home Page (Full List of Topics)
He was a Positive Roll Model for Millions

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day or kneading a lift.

[Popeye the Sailor]

Whilst in the Navy club the other day I got an old World War ll navy veteran to tell me about one of his exploits during his time on destroyer duty guarding the coasts of Britain.
He said that one of his worst memories was when whilst out on patrol in the Atlantic, a tell tale series of blips were picked up on the underwater sonar, so as they had been taught they proceeded to drop a series of depth charges, it was after their third attack that a lookout reported a possible hit, the crew raced to the side of the ship and peered into the water, what happened next really surprised some of the old sea dogs, air bubbles, oil slicks, and pieces of wreckage surfaced, and then the strangest thing of all, about thirty dead sheep floated to the top, this so confused the crew as nothing like this had ever been reported before.

The mystery was finally cleared up two years after the war had ended, when it was revealed that they had sunk a ewe boat.

[Randimus Maximus]

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[ungeheuer]

Every morning for the past couple of weeks a Russian guy buys a newspaper from his local Moscow news stand.

Every morning he glances at the front page and tosses the newspaper straight in the garbage bin.

Today the newspaper seller just couldn't contain his curiosity any longer "Hey Mr.... I noticed that each morning you buy a newspaper... just take a quick look at it... and throw it away!!  Why... why do you do that??"

"I'm searching for the obituaries"

"But Mr... obituaries aren't on the front page!!!"

"The one I'm searching for will be....."

[kopfjäger]

 

[koko64]

 

[ducpainter]

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I stole this.

[Randimus Maximus]

I stole this.

So did I!

 

[Jaman]

A guy takes his wife out for a night on the Town, and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large
 – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going.

The wife turns to her husband and says...
 “See that guy over there? 25 years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down.”

The husband replies,
“It looks like he’s still celebrating.”