DMF joke thread

[DesmoDiva]

 

[Monsterlover]

[Popeye the Sailor]

Wouldn't see have to be mute for that to make sense?

[ducpainter]

Wouldn't see have to be mute for that to make sense?

lipreader

[the_Journeyman]

A guy walks into a bar...





















































His buddy ducks.

JM

[sno_duc]

The Zipper 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'

[stopintime]

Q: If a woman is uncomfortable watchin' you wank,
    do you think:

A: You need more time together

B: She's a make the beast with two backsin' prude

C: She should have sat elsewhere on the bus

[silvy1200]

Weight loss???


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape .

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program .

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week. ------------

[silvy1200]

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs
his hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence when one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says,

"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse."

[swampduc]

Weight loss???


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape .

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program .

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week. ------------

[Mojo S2R]

Tiger

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner, "Top of the mornin' to ya sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with the Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"  He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose.

As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger. 

"And what on the good earth are the fer?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus." says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

[silvy1200]

  those beemers do have everything!

[Mother]

what do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?

[Howie]

what do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?

Spoiler














homeless

[Buckethead]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman shouts "Hey! McCleod! Get off of my ewe!"