DMF joke thread

[LA]

A man marries a deaf girl.

He says, "Let's work out a code.  If I want sex I'll stroke your left breast.  Pull my dick once for yes, 32 times for no."

I'm still laughing out loud.

LA

[Duck-Stew]

A picture (in this case) is worth a thousand laughs!  *10^3

[eltristo]

Now THAT is a find, Stew! 

[Duck-Stew]

Now THAT is a find, Stew! 

Was at my old shop on Saturday and the rear lot butts up to a Fiat mechanic.  He actually has a couple customers who still motor those...um...things. 

NO idea where he got it though....

[TiNi]

Tiger

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner, "Top of the mornin' to ya sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with the Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"  He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose.

As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger. 

"And what on the good earth are the fer?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus." says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

omg...... hilarious 

[Jaman]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman shouts "Hey! McCleod! Get off of my ewe!"

What did Mick Jagger say to Hugh Hefner when he caught him in bed with Dennis Weaver?


Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get offa McCloud!

(sorry)

[silvy1200]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

[Oldfisti]

Redneck Vasectomy. Ouch!



After their 11th child, a Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10...'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(you'll love this...)





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia , Texas and most definitely Washington D.C.

[Mojo S2R]

Redneck Vasectomy. Ouch!



After their 11th child, a Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10...'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(you'll love this...)





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia , Texas and most definitely Washington D.C.

LOL    OMG 

[erkishhorde]

I had the exact same reaction... 

LOL    OMG 

[Porsche Monkey]

Redneck Vasectomy. Ouch!



After their 11th child, a Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10...'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(you'll love this...)





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia , Texas and most definitely Washington D.C.

I don't get it.  And why do you have to include Texas?  What are you saying?

[DaniD]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

That is absolutely hilarious!!!   

[sno_duc]

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!


Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================


In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go..
=============================


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova
Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================


In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec.
8, 1767
  =============================


In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
  Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.. Pardon him for not rising.
===============================


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of
the brake.
==============================


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger but slow on the draw.
================================


A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================


In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================


In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
  (To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: )
  To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went..


Thanks for the kind offer, when my time comes I want my wife to write my epitat

[El Matador]

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!


Thanks for the kind offer, when my time comes I want my wife to write my epitat

[Electron]

A man marries a deaf girl.

He says, "Let's work out a code.  If I want sex I'll stroke your left breast.  Pull my dick once for yes, 32 times for no."

I'd be done after teh 3rd pull.