DMF joke thread

[fastwin]

  Awesome!!

[zooom]

I haven't posted any bad jokes in a few days...so here goes....

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

*****************************************************************

Man walks into the bar with jumper cables around his neck, bartender asks "You lookin' to start something?".

*****************************************************************

Baby seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"

Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"

[zooom]

much better joke....



I got kicked out of the YMCA yesterday.

They kicked me out for Peeing in the pool.

I told them "Hey, Lots of people pee in the pool!"

They said "True, But nobody else does it off the three meter diving board."

[erkishhorde]

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great… he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: “Well, son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad:

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

[GAAN]

I haven't posted any bad jokes in a few days...so here goes....

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

*****************************************************************

Man walks into the bar with jumper cables around his neck, bartender asks "You lookin' to start something?".

*****************************************************************

Baby seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"

Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"

yep back to the other thread

[zooom]

yep back to the other thread

peeing at the YMCA joke doesn't make up for it at all?

[NorDog]

peeing at the YMCA joke doesn't make up for it at all?

No. Not really.

[Monsterlover]

Where's that really long hook for pulling people off stage?

I know I saw it around here somewhere. . .

[zooom]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell..cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."

[ducpainter]

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Harv, because he snored so badly...  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
                               
The first guy slept with Harv and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Harv snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
                               
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Harv shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
                                 
The third night was Tom's turn. Tom was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.  They said, "Man, what happened?"
                                   
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Harv into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Harv sat up and watched me all night."

[NorDog]

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Harv, because he snored so badly...  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
                               
The first guy slept with Harv and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Harv snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
                               
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Harv shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
                                 
The third night was Tom's turn. Tom was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.  They said, "Man, what happened?"
                                   
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Harv into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Harv sat up and watched me all night."

[zooom]

ABC's of Boobies...

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

[Monstermash]

An older, white  haired man walked into a jewelry store this past  Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and  brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man  said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning  ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled  with excitement. The old man  seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The  jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to  make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday  afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said  'There's no money in that account.'

'I  know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!' 

[dolci]

How I learned to mind my own business


I was taking a walk the other day and I heard people shouting, 13....13....13!

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks. I looked through to see what was going on.
And some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!....

Then they all started shouting 14....14....14!

[SacDuc]

An older, white  haired man walked into a jewelry store this past  Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and  brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man  said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning  ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled  with excitement. The old man  seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The  jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to  make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday  afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said  'There's no money in that account.'

'I  know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!' 

Reminded me of this one:



One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.