Seeking the wisdom of the almighty board

[DucofWestwood]

marriage is complicated under the very best of circumstances.  your wife got married quite young and brought a child from a previous relationship with her, which probably increases the complication.  

my advice would be to avoid any sleepovers with the ex while things are up in the air.  if your mind still isn't made up about whether or not to go thru with the divorce, find the best couples therapist in the nearest big city (don't go cheap, find someone experienced who charges a couple hundred bones an hour) and spend a couple hours with them.  get an opinion from an independent 3rd party who's seen hundreds of couples.  they should be able to get a sense about the state of affairs ... i.e. whether it's worth trying to rehab or not.  not that their opinion would be gospel, but it would probably help you with the decision.  

oh, and if you ultimately decide to cut ties, pls go on a major whoring streak and post all the lurid details here so that we married guys can live vicariously.  

no, in all seriousness, marriage is great.  

but seriously, really really detailed accounts.

[El Matador]

Only Lu calls Matador baby.

Baby Jesus approves of this message

(Damn I was a good looking kid)

Apart from that I have nothing to add to the thread except that if you're ever up to the hour long drive up to Austin, you have a bed and a drinking buddy to party with.  

[Grappa]

I am not married, but I've been in a lot of relationships and I've done the get back together thing too many times.  It doesn't work.  I don't know your whole story, and I don't know you, but this seems a bit of a shady situation to me.  So you were married for 2 years, which means that she probably started having doubts about 1.5 years into it, if not sooner.  So to me, this just seems like a bit of a wash.  You don't have kids together, only been married for 2 years, it didn't work out, oh well.  Lesson learned, move forward.  I think that what it takes to have a life long marriage with someone (talking multiple decades here) takes a lot of commitment and communication, which the two of you did not have with each other.  Again, I don't know the background, but if you both call it quits after only 2 years, then you both don't have the connection or fortitude to make it last a lifetime.  (What happened inside those 2 years that made you want to divorce?  Don't really need an answer to this, just saying it rhetorically.)  So to me, she is just scared and hurt and running back to her best friend, which has been you for a while.  Don't fall for it.

The new lady sounds great, but she shouldn't even be a factor here.  It's not, "I'll go back to my ex if I can't find anything better."  Or,  "I'm not going back to my ex because hot chicks are giving me attention."  Have fun with her if you want, but leaving one for another never seems to be a good way to go.  Then you never have time to resolve the previous relationship, and you kinda doom the upcoming one.

As for going over for dinner or to talk with the ex, I gotta say NO WAY.  If you need to communicate, do it in a public place, not a couple feet away from the bedroom.  Better yet, in the company of a therapist.  And... as a word of advice to help you think clearly... before you ever hang out with the ex for any of these talks, do yourself a huge favor and rub one out.  Force yourself if you must, but you can't go to meet her with a loaded gun, it will severely cloud your judgement.  Might sound funny but it's totally true. 

[fastwin]

Damn... I'd pay Grappa a hundred bucks for advice!! No shit, that's the best post yet! I married my first wife out of guilt. Long boring story. Didn't work (waste of 20 years!! ). And your soon to be ex (please say that is happening?) is working that "he's lonely, I'll guilt him into coming back because I'm scared and I can cry on cue" bullshit. I'd rather go for a ride on my bike than have "guilt sex" with a soon to be ex. My ex never did that but that's because she was too make the beast with two backsing crazy to try that. Normal, non-crazy women will try that every chance they get. 99% of guys will fall for it 100% of the time. OK, maybe crazy women too. I'm too old to give a shit, won't work on me. I'd rather go dove hunting or go to my farm, smoke cigars and mow. I'm make the beast with two backsing bullet proof!

What I would really love to hear is our awesome gals on the board chime in with their advice. This has been an angry, sometimes funny, testosterone ladled thread so far. If the gals have posted I guess I missed it. But I would love to read their comments and suggestions. Nothing like hearing it straight from the source! Throw it down ladies. You're on deck.

[Popeye the Sailor]

Play them off each other and get double anal!  

Whatever you do, don't take an engineer with you to Vegas to pull some ass!

:-)

I am the ultimate wingman.

[El Matador]

Yup, no matter how weird you are, once they compare you to MrInc, you'll seem like a make the beast with two backsing disney prince

[Grappa]

The wisdom doth pour-oth from thy almighty board!!

[rgramjet]

Yup, no matter how weird you are, once they compare you to MrInc, you'll seem like a make the beast with two backsing disney prince

   

[swampduc]

...that if you're ever up to the hour long drive up to Austin, you have a bed and a drinking buddy to party with.  

"party?"
now you've been propositioned by Jesus. How does that help?! 

[ungeheuer]

boobies

Yes.  But which ones? Thats the question in question.

I vote neither.

[Porsche Monkey]

Grappa I may have to take your advise and look into a therapist for us.  I would feel guilty if I felt like I didn't give it my all.


I guess I still love her very much and am just confused as to which way I should go.  It was not a bad breakup. We didn't even raise our voices at each other.  Ive got quite a bit of thinking ahead of me. Thanks everyone.

[fastwin]

Good luck with it. Relationships are very difficult and confusing at best. That's why dogs and motorcycles are so popular. They are not difficult or confusing. My ex replaced me instantly with a pit bull. Best move she ever made.

[cokey]

Only read the 1st page,   I say stay single till your 35.. you need to be for a while.  At this point your judgement is all screwd up.. new always feels good till its old.. stay away my friend..

[DesmoDiva]

Dude...RUN

Fast and far.....

I'll be honest.  I have played the tricks your ex is playing and it didn't change or improve the failing relationship at all...

Life got much better when I learned games don't work and to move on.  Yes, it is a big, scary world out there, but she has to learn with dealing with it on her own...it sounds like she doesn't want to though.   

The therapist recommendation is good. 

We're not saying you can't/don't love her...Life isn't that simple...

Take time and figure out what YOU want.  There is no way for two unhappy people to be happy together.

[fastwin]

Outstanding advice! Thank you for your all gal input! That probably means more than a bunch of angry, goofy guys telling him what to do. I admit, we can be too funny and way too full of testosterone BS for any decent advice. But hey, we're just dumb guys. That's our job! We lift heavy things and reach shit on the top shelf... that's pretty much it!