Dont work on your bike if your angry or depressed !!!!

[jerryz]

I am sorry to be such a pain but Professionals , docs , psychs etc messed me up so bad i do not trust any of them in UK or anywhere else,In Thailand all they do is stuff you full of crap drugs  and in the UK they tell you you have a personality problem and ask for more money to mess with your mind ...jokers ...charlatens all of them.
My wife is thai an although she has travelled all over the world even she admits i am not like ant other person she has met.

Walking away seems the best option ...she can have it all i just dont care ..i do not need it .She loves me but i dont care anymore .nothing ever makes me happy for more than 5 minutes and i am too educated to see any purpose in anything much ,i have seen so much in my life , some people say i have packed 3 lifetimes into 50 years ..but i do not believe in anything , its all transitory and ultimately futile.

Problem is i dont know what i want out of life ?  go to work for a while is good i work offshore so get away from it all.

Duty, god, family , money, success  etc all traps ,smoke and mirrors .we are all fools .Perhaps i should take up smoking dope again except i hate the taste of smoking .Opiates never shut my tortured mind , nor booze or sex or anything ...except bikes  when in the zone but you cannot ride 24 hours aday ..and combat I found peace there in the chaos.But i am too old for all that crap.

Ny Dad who is a wise person and 80 once said that when you have run out of dreams and new things you wanted to do its time to die ,,, he still learns new things daily ...me I have done it all. no more dreams or things i have not done or wanted to do.....now every day is an empty shell.  When he looks me in the eye he sees a void and it scares him as i am much younger than him.
I dont fear death, never have but i do fear pain and discomfort and mental pain is worse than any physical pain i ever suffered.

sorry folks ,  Heavy stuff but Its how I see it . I  believe I have no purpose ..no calling ..no connection ....never had the belief in all the bullshit i was told after the age of 6, by teachers, parents , doctors,banks, bosses priests ,leaders ,media ,art ,religion,...that sums me up perfectly .A man who went in search of himself and Knowledge and found ........nothing.

[Labbedds]

Having the monster (s) through school helped me out alot.  Being able to get out of clinic, run home real quick, put the full gear on and go across the bridge into riding heaven.  Take er easy brother.

[Grampa]

A man who went in search of himself and Knowledge and found ........nothing.

sounds like where I was a few years ago.

I read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse (given to me by my then 17 year old son), and things started to click.




The man who sailed around his soul
From east to west, from pole to pole
With ego as his drunken captain
Greed, the mutineer, had trapped all reason in the hold

The man who walked across his heart
Who took no compass, guide or chart
To rope and tar his blood congealed
When he found his self revealed ugly and cold

And the sirens that sing
By your nose with its ring
Theyll drag you in
For your sins

Now he sits all alone
And its no place like home
Its empty skin
A bag to keep lifes souvenirs in
The man who sailed around his soul
The man who sailed around his soul

The man who sailed around his soul
Came back again to find a hole
Where once he thought compassion and the truth
Had laid to warm his freezing carcass on return

The man who walked across his heart
Was doomed to journey from the start
Of every love affair hed broken
All the lies hed ever spoken
Tattooed on his arm
And the jellyfish stings
Even angels with wings
Who look too deep
And dare to peep

Now he sits all alone
Knowing flesh blood and bone
Is everything
He found the treasure hed been seeking
The man who sailed around his soul

[lauramonster]

keep hanging on. 

+1 on doing something positive.  Baby steps.  Sounds dumb, but doing physical labor helps.  Work til you're sweating, you can stand back and see the result, and the endorphines kick in and you'll start feeling better.  Not right away, but keep at it and in 2 weeks it'll change.  the gym is boring to me and the sense of accomplishment is a motivator. 

If you don't have any projects at home to tackle, help a friend.  that's bonus bonus points!

Good luck to you!

[Raux]

Jerry.

got a challenge for you. build a bike. build it from the ground up. challenge yourself with new innovative ideas for it.

you found solace in bikes and you need a goal, something to grab onto.

[DucinKtown]

I agree with raux,

look around, the answer is there, you just have not seen it.

You have done it all,....Ok, tell me about it, no right it down, bet it's a good story, who would play you in the movie.

I'm four years after my D, miss my kids, discovered bikes and loving it, play lots a golf, started rock climbing too.
Get up, play a round, get on bike, ride to the mtns, and go climb.

Keep writing brother.
You ever listen to the Bubba the Love Sponge show? A diversion during the day, might help out, it has for me.

Russ

[sbrguy]

honestly none of us can give you an answer, wha tyou want is only found within yourself and what you desire.

we can't get in your head, we havent' lived like you, so we are all just posturing and tellin gyou what we think you should do based on our own biases.

good luck in what you do, if you truly have lived a lot then you are more fortunate than others, if you think there is nothing left to do, it only means that you have to think of more stuff to do.  (that is my biased opinion)

and you are right in the grand scheme o fthings everything and everyone is transitory and meaningless.  the biggest joke that anoyoen ever put out there is that "an individual" is special and unique, well yes in a way that person is to the people that they know but in the grand scheeme of the universe and 1 million years of time from now what you do doesn't matter, accept that, and then go and enjoy your life bc nobody is going to do that for you.

[Clickjack]

Alright, everyone else is throwing in their two cents, so I'm gonna tell you what I've discovered.  If I come off like a jackass I'm sorry, I'm really just trying to help.

1st: I'm not a Dr.   But you might could use a change in diet/excersorsize and possibly meds to change your brain chem in a positive way.

2nd: and even more powerful then meds, control your thought life.  Doctors did a study of patients with severe OCD handwashing issues and gave them CT scans.   Their brains were damaged not functioning in a normal way.  They told them to tell themselves everytime they wanted to wash their hands obsessively, "those are crazy thoughts.  Mind, my hands are clean and your not going to think crazy thoughts anymore".  In a surprisingly short time they had overcome their issues and on a follow up CT their brain chemistry had changed, and their brains were functioning normally.

3rd:  Change what you think about.  When we are depressed we are focused on ourselves, and our problems.  This selfishness leads to more problems.  Get involved is serving others, your kids, your wife, your community, and those in need.   It doesn't mean you have to devote your time to picking up trash or go to Africa to feed the poor.  But get outside yourself and refuse to focus on you and your problems.    You owe it to your kids and wife to stop thinking about yourself.

Sorry if I came off pompus or a jackass, I'm a screw up.  But I've found these things to be very true.

[Scottish]

Alright, everyone else is throwing in their two cents, so I'm gonna tell you what I've discovered.  If I come off like a jackass I'm sorry, I'm really just trying to help.

1st: I'm not a Dr.   But you might could use a change in diet/excersorsize and possibly meds to change your brain chem in a positive way.

2nd: and even more powerful then meds, control your thought life.  Doctors did a study of patients with severe OCD handwashing issues and gave them CT scans.   Their brains were damaged not functioning in a normal way.  They told them to tell themselves everytime they wanted to wash their hands obsessively, "those are crazy thoughts.  Mind, my hands are clean and your not going to think crazy thoughts anymore".  In a surprisingly short time they had overcome their issues and on a follow up CT their brain chemistry had changed, and their brains were functioning normally.

3rd:  Change what you think about.  When we are depressed we are focused on ourselves, and our problems.  This selfishness leads to more problems.  Get involved is serving others, your kids, your wife, your community, and those in need.   It doesn't mean you have to devote your time to picking up trash or go to Africa to feed the poor.  But get outside yourself and refuse to focus on you and your problems.    You owe it to your kids and wife to stop thinking about yourself.

Sorry if I came off pompus or a jackass, I'm a screw up.  But I've found these things to be very true.

+1, other studies have shown that a vast number of people who believed they were luckly had more good things happen to them. I think it's because they've learn to SEE the GOOD and not focus on the bad. Truthfully you will prolly need to use several tools to break your "funk". Don't rule out meds, if you do have a chem imbalance you can't wish it away, it's like diabetes or anything else that requires meds to live a normal life. Good luck friend, I wish I had a magic bullet to cure all your feelings but it don't work that way.

[psycledelic]

I doubt that I am the guy to be handing out advice, but I hit the bottom trying to climb the big dog ladder at work, be a full time engineering student, and raise a 3 and 1 year old.  My wife and I came to the point where we weren't speaking much and it was going to get worse until one day I just said make the beast with two backs IT (in a good way).  For me, I just accepted that my life was what it was for now and only I was going to make it better.  I taped a pic of my wife and girls on my tach of my Monster and just rode like hell every chance I got.  I stepped back and looked at what I could change to make things better.  I took an off shift at work to relieve some of the pressure, dropped back to part time at school and concentrated on my family.  Not sure if that is something that will help you, but it sure worked for me.  Good luck brother.  I doubt this is the best support group, but the majority will be here if you need us!

[jerryz]

One more Jerry.

And I must ask a stupid question: What is your Zodiac sign?

Gemini.

[jerryz]

I agree with raux,

look around, the answer is there, you just have not seen it.

You have done it all,....Ok, tell me about it, no right it down, bet it's a good story, who would play you in the movie.

I'm four years after my D, miss my kids, discovered bikes and loving it, play lots a golf, started rock climbing too.
Get up, play a round, get on bike, ride to the mtns, and go climb.

Keep writing brother.
You ever listen to the Bubba the Love Sponge show? A diversion during the day, might help out, it has for me.

Russ

Writing ..now thats a big issue with me when i was a kid i used to write spontaniously ,hundreds of pages  wonderful stories,teachers and friends lapped it up ,but when I was a teenager my school crushed me so much i stopped writing . last 36 years I hate writing , only do it he minimum for work , bosses love it as my reports are so accurate but short maybe 1 or 2 pages where others give 200 of waffle. I hate writing or expressing myself now .Writing actually makes feel physically sick.

[AfroStar]

My 2 cents worth..... Nobody can be in your shoes, and nobody can experience things like yourself.

I was stuck in life, flew to California and bought a Monster, rode up the PCH 1 for 1 1/2 weeks alone.  thought i would fine myself in California, but when i got back it got worst.  I brought along a book, "Zen the art of motorcycle maintenance" you will like this book.

I loved California so much, and it shows that there are so much to do in the world, and there are super nice, good people in the world.  1 month after i got back, i quit my job, and packed my stuff and moved back home to CT, closer to my parents and siblings...

sometime we need that change, kick in the ass, jump into cold water, stepping out of our comfort zone.  the monotones of life will get you depress.  

there are plenty of things to be done...learn something new guitars, surf, climb K2, hunt a tiger, swim with sharks, these are things i want to do.  

don't give up on life, wake up everyday and say this will be a great day!!

proud of you man! manly hug......

PS.  I bet this post helped everybody who posted too
Thanks Jerry

[patroldawg]

People here are saying some really meaningful things.  the winter months, for some reason, whether warm or cold, are just susceptible months for me to fall in a slump if I let it.  Apathy is easy, and so is concentrating on the negative things in life.  The gym, or physical activity in general are HUGE in helping my spirits be as high as possible.  Spirit is not always hi, but I definitely do my best.  You gotta find a healthy life position, brother.  I hope you find it soon

[AfroStar]

Finally found my quote I saw before.
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.
- Robert M. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)