Pet Peave (Rant Incoming)

[il d00d]

I think Not. Because it goes against my goal of trying to communicate more effectively, instead of just blurting out separate, loosely connected thoughts.  You should start a Haiku thread if that's what you want.

So, you're saying rants about explosive diarrhea, should not be adulterated by senseless poetry.  Because it is at odds with one's desire to clearly communicate one's feelings about explosive diarrhea.

Totally.  Please see my upcoming thread entitled "Meltdown in the Bathroom:  an epic poem"

 

[Scottish]

About two years ago I got super sick. I tossed cookies in the parking lot trying to get home.


Anyway, I got home wrapped myself around the throne and proceded to yack so hard and so long I ruptured at the other end at the same time. Barely managed to get my shorts past my thighs, after that I painted the shower, and toilet simultaneously. I was the singularly most disgusting event I've ever created.

[Speedbag]

A friend of mine recently had the flu, and he was nice enough to share a similar story. On one trip to the bathroom he was kneeling and retching away, and the opposite end suddenly erupted in unison. All he was wearing at the time was underwear. It wasn't pretty.

[Ddan]

Awright, really, this has gone far enough.       

[TiNi]

Awright, really, this has gone far enough.      

+1
the stink is creeping into other threads

[DucHead]

A buddy of mine was accidentally sent this by one of his students:

   I need to tell you about my whopping pile of heave that my ass gave
birth to.   So, here was how it went.  I got to the shit pot and moved
into position.  Not more than a second after I was seated...my ass cheeks
flew apart with such force that I thought I was going to shatter the bowl.
Out came a torrent of fecal matter the likes of which have never been seen
before!  It was a continuous log about 3 and a half feet in length.  The
semi-firm consistency and high velocity of bowl deposit resulted in a
shattered loaf.  The high amount of gas that propelled this toilet monster
also permeated the turd itself,  giving it a swiss cheese like appearance.
This may have weakened the crap structure resulting in the disintegration
upon splashdown.  On the plus side, this gas was so stench-ridden that the
paint on the walls began peeling.  My eyes were watering from the potency
of the shit...despite it being my own!  After wiping my ass several
times....I stood up to admire the carnage I had created.  The pot was
totally filled from side to side.  It seemed as though my shit had totally
displaced all of the bowls water.  All that remained was an enormous mound
of splintered crap covered with crumpled Charmin.  Similar to a huge
chocolate sunday topped with whipped cream.  The giant heap of blort took
fifteen...count 'em...FIFTEEN flushes to remove.  And as if to leave a
reminder,  the shit left big brown spirals in the bowl as it was sucked
into the unknowing Albuquerque septic system.  Luckily, this beast of a
shit was not dumped in my own throne.
   I just thought that you would appreciate this wonderful Man-moment!
All of this shit talk makes me want to recreate that glorious moment again!
In fact...I can feel a good sized toilet python sliding down my bowels at
this very moment.  Maybe I can let him loose in someones desk!

[tcspeedfreak]

A buddy of mine was accidentally sent this by one of his students:

   I need to tell you about my whopping pile of heave that my ass gave
birth to.   So, here was how it went.  I got to the shit pot and moved
into position.  Not more than a second after I was seated...my ass cheeks
flew apart with such force that I thought I was going to shatter the bowl.
Out came a torrent of fecal matter the likes of which have never been seen
before!  It was a continuous log about 3 and a half feet in length.  The
semi-firm consistency and high velocity of bowl deposit resulted in a
shattered loaf.  The high amount of gas that propelled this toilet monster
also permeated the turd itself,  giving it a swiss cheese like appearance.
This may have weakened the crap structure resulting in the disintegration
upon splashdown.  On the plus side, this gas was so stench-ridden that the
paint on the walls began peeling.  My eyes were watering from the potency
of the shit...despite it being my own!  After wiping my ass several
times....I stood up to admire the carnage I had created.  The pot was
totally filled from side to side.  It seemed as though my shit had totally
displaced all of the bowls water.  All that remained was an enormous mound
of splintered crap covered with crumpled Charmin.  Similar to a huge
chocolate sunday topped with whipped cream.  The giant heap of blort took
fifteen...count 'em...FIFTEEN flushes to remove.  And as if to leave a
reminder,  the shit left big brown spirals in the bowl as it was sucked
into the unknowing Albuquerque septic system.  Luckily, this beast of a
shit was not dumped in my own throne.
   I just thought that you would appreciate this wonderful Man-moment!
All of this shit talk makes me want to recreate that glorious moment again!
In fact...I can feel a good sized toilet python sliding down my bowels at
this very moment.  Maybe I can let him loose in someones desk!

i find this completely gross, but so funny that i may have to read it again

[teddy037.2]

About two years ago I got super sick. I tossed cookies in the parking lot trying to get home.


Anyway, I got home wrapped myself around the throne and proceded to yack so hard and so long I ruptured at the other end at the same time. Barely managed to get my shorts past my thighs, after that I painted the shower, and toilet simultaneously. I was the singularly most disgusting event I've ever created.

didn't that happen on south park?

[ZLTFUL]

Well...whoever it is is currently wearing a pair of black wingtips...very classic styling. They were in the stall next to me not too long ago and the sounds were amazing and disturbing all at the same time. He entered and exited while i was doing my business...I tried to hurry up to see who it was but to no avail. Perhaps if he had washed his hands I may have had time...

I am beginning to suspect one of our sales managers. They tend to dress a bit more business formal than the normal sales staff or the office staff...

I have discretely been checking shoes as I make my way around the office putting out fires. No luck so far but I have eliminated quite a few people.

On a side note, I too have experienced the exploding from both ends. The worst is when it is the liquid shits. *shudder*



*doing what he can to perpetuate the abomination that this thread has become*

[KnightofNi]

having the flu requires a very special device known as the velocicraptor.

it attaches to your toilet so you can easily and without mess let loose from both ends.
there is a picture somewhere, but i'm not searching for it while at work, lol.

[Speedbag]

Well...whoever it is is currently wearing a pair of black wingtips...very classic styling.

Well, there you go.

All you need to do is find the culprit by their shoes, drop everything in your hands, point, and scream "SO YOU'RE THE MAD SHITTER!!!!!"

[ZLTFUL]

Conveniently, all of the sales managers and team leaders are out of the office today. Both of the owners are going to the meeting that they are attending as well and all of them are apparently wearing suits and ties...so my investigation has lowered the count down to 7 possible culprits.

I am half tempted to go in there early some morning and write using my fingers and chocolate pudding, "I NOW KNOW WHO YOU ARE, PHANTOM SHITTER!!!" on the inside of the stall door...

[Monsterlover]

A buddy of mine was accidentally sent this by one of his students:

   I need to tell you about my whopping pile of heave that my ass gave
birth to.   So, here was how it went.  I got to the shit pot and moved
into position.  Not more than a second after I was seated...my ass cheeks
flew apart with such force that I thought I was going to shatter the bowl.
Out came a torrent of fecal matter the likes of which have never been seen
before!  It was a continuous log about 3 and a half feet in length.  The
semi-firm consistency and high velocity of bowl deposit resulted in a
shattered loaf.  The high amount of gas that propelled this toilet monster
also permeated the turd itself,  giving it a swiss cheese like appearance.
This may have weakened the crap structure resulting in the disintegration
upon splashdown.  On the plus side, this gas was so stench-ridden that the
paint on the walls began peeling.  My eyes were watering from the potency
of the shit...despite it being my own!  After wiping my ass several
times....I stood up to admire the carnage I had created.  The pot was
totally filled from side to side.  It seemed as though my shit had totally
displaced all of the bowls water.  All that remained was an enormous mound
of splintered crap covered with crumpled Charmin.  Similar to a huge
chocolate sunday topped with whipped cream.  The giant heap of blort took
fifteen...count 'em...FIFTEEN flushes to remove.  And as if to leave a
reminder,  the shit left big brown spirals in the bowl as it was sucked
into the unknowing Albuquerque septic system.  Luckily, this beast of a
shit was not dumped in my own throne.
   I just thought that you would appreciate this wonderful Man-moment!
All of this shit talk makes me want to recreate that glorious moment again!
In fact...I can feel a good sized toilet python sliding down my bowels at
this very moment.  Maybe I can let him loose in someones desk!

I laughed so hard at this I almost cried.

Then I made my wife read it and she almost passed out she laughed so hard.

[the_Journeyman]

All I have to add:  Food poisoning.  Post-emptying everything I had eaten for several months, I had started drinking Gatorade to re-hydrate.  However, my stomach was having none of that, unbeknowest to me.  Drinking small amounts over the afternoon and evening it added up.  I went to sleep on the couch, but awoke feeling odd, but not nauseated.  Stumbled my weak self to the sink for a glass of water.  One sip later, the room spun violently, I bounced off the dining room table, a hutch, and two different walls before finding myself in the bathroom.  I slammed down on my knees in front of the toilet and violently threw up a gallon or more of Gatorade.  How violent?  My NOSE became a Gatorade fountain.  I was forcing the liquid up with such pressure it was also exiting via my nose.

JM

[TJR178]

IHOP seems to do that to me sometimes.

Went to one in Atlantic City (mistake number one) a few years back and got the steak omlette with pancakes (mistake number two).  Next thing I know about 15 minutes later, I'm doing my best to squeeze my cheeks together in our rented minivan so I wouldn't fill my shorts.  We got to a gas station where I ran it and let loose the fury after waiting for a large woman to exit the restroom.  I almost dropped trou behind the dumpster because I couldn't wait.

Fast forward 15 minutes later and I'm getting close to my buddies place in West Chester, PA.  Again, that feeling of my bowels arming themselves for another volley sinks in.  I ran into my buddies place and proceded to unleash all hell on his toilet in what sounded like someone holding a garden hose 12" from a 5 gallon half-full bucket of water with the nozzle fully open.

That day, my friends, was a scary day.