DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says. This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer,
“What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Howie]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

My friend's girl broke up with him because she didn't like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn't like him from the gecko.

[ducpainter]

The Farmer had a cat that was suffering from constipation and he questioned the Town Vet as to what he should do? The Vet recommended giving him a quart of castor oil.
A week later the Farmer ran into the Vet at the Grocery Store and the Vet asked how his calf was doing. The Farmer confused said, “All my calves are fine, why?”
The Vet confused also said, “I thought you had one that was constipated?” “No, that was my cat,” said the Farmer. “Oh dear me,” said the Vet, “I hope you didn’t give him a whole quart of castor oil?”
“Yes, I most certainly did,” said the Farmer. “Well how is he doing?,” asked the Vet.
“Well the last time I saw him,” said the Farmer, “He was headed up over the hill towards the back forty with six other cats with him.” “Two digging, two covering up, and two out front scouting for more territory.”

[ducpainter]

A man goes to see his priest. He says to the priest, “Father, I think my wife is poisoning me. I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The priest says, “Why don’t you give me a chance to talk to her, and I’ll get back to you.”

About three days later, the priest calls the guy, and says, “I had a long talk with your wife.”

The man says, “Yes, and what do you think?”

The priest says… “Take the poison.”

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog

chow for my loyal pet, Jenna, the Stupid Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little

to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting

the Purina Diet again... I added that I probably shouldn't, because I

ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened

in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.





I told her that it was essentially

a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants

pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you

feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and

I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically

everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)





Horrified, she asked if I ended up in

intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told

her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car

hit us both.



I thought the guy behind her was

going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore..

Better watch what you ask retired

people. They have all the time in the

world to think of crazy things

to say.

[Howie]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Jaman]

What's brown & rhymes with 'snoop'?


_DrDre

[Randimus Maximus]

A man tells a Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live forever.  What can I do?"

"Get married." replies the Rabbi.

"And...will I live forever?"

"No, but the desire will disappear".

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him, "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says, "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"