DMF joke thread

[stopintime]

Big make the beast with two backsing deal.

link or it doesn't count.

I can help with that. I have some Derby skills

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg746994#msg746994

[r_ciao]

Old Fart  Football
An old  married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,  'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to  be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and  accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was  that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Have a good Friday fellow DMFers.  Ciao!

[zooom]

NICE....I figured the shart would be a fumble!

[sno_duc]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.  In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got out his logbook and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
 

[slowpoke13]

Say what you will about Sandusky, at least he doesn't speed through school zones.

[fastwin]

Old Fart  Football
An old  married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,  'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to  be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and  accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was  that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Have a good Friday fellow DMFers.  Ciao!

Awesome old fart bathroom humor!!

[fastwin]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.  In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got out his logbook and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
 

That's just mean at Christmas but still funny as hell! Typical FAA.

[Ddan]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 â€" they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[ducpainter]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 â€" they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[Monsterlover]

[fastwin]

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY


A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was jam packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she became very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset and to ask him where he was.

The husband answered and in a calm voice said "Honey do you remember that jewelry store we went into five years ago where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife crying, tearing up with emotion said in a trembling voice "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

*

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The husband said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."

[Kaveh]

Just sent that last one to my wife, I lol'ed.  She might not

[Zaster]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.......

[Jaman]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Dallas, Texas. She was trying to make a good impression on her first day, so she explained to her class that she is a Cowboy's fan.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Cowboy fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm NOT a Cowboys fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Cowboys fan,
then who do you support?"

"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, would you explain
why are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco; my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a Niner fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "That's no
reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your
dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"




Mary said, "I'd be a RAIDERS fan."

[r_ciao]

LOL. good one.