I had to make my deadbeat phone calls today. You know, "Mrs X, we finished your job 3 months ago, and you owe us $Y. When can we expect a check?"
I do this once every couple of months or so, and today I got hit with the classic "The check is in the mail." line. twice.
So it started me thinking. I know that those checks haven't even been written yet, much less mailed, and the deadbeats have to know that I know.
Anyway, I started compiling a list of the lies everyone hears so often they've become joke taglines.
Here's what I've got so far:
The check's in the mail.
I'm from the government, I'm here to help you.
I'll only put it in a little bit.
I only want a little bite.
The natives are friendly.
And for all the service and ex-service:
Don't worry, it's a cold LZ.
Any help in adding to this list?
"i just want a sip."
"it's not you, it's me."
"It won't hurt, I promise"
"I can quit any time I want."
"Mission Accomplished"
"You got a real purty mouth"
...and let's not forget:
"The Ducati Monster List is an online club and resource center for Ducati Monster Owners." (http://www.ducatimonster.org/)
Your bike will be ready next week.
I've never measured...
I love you
Maybe a little game called.....just the tip, only for a second
" Huh, I thought there was a least a 1/4 of a tank of gas in the car"
"Read my lips: No. New. Taxes."
"She told be she was 18 your honor..."
"Don't worry... i'm on the pill"
Quote from: HobokenHooligan on May 22, 2008, 06:37:07 PM
Maybe a little game called.....just the tip, only for a second
[laugh]
Checks in the mail-- I've heard that one a few times.
I can start work on your project on XX day -- From sub contractors [roll]
In a minute. (youngest daughter)
I will call U. (dam,,, thats my line)
Quote from: pt33 on May 22, 2008, 06:54:35 PM
[laugh]
Checks in the mail-- I've heard that one a few times.
I can start work on your project on XX day -- From sub contractors [roll]
"I will return your welder" [cheeky]
"i dont have a problem"
"I'll pull out."
"I'll tell you before I .... "
"You are the only one I am schtupping."
"I've been tested."
"I put it on. Promise."
"I won't show anyone. Promise."
"I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman."
"No problem. I'll be done by tomorrow."
"This will come in under budget."
"I have a lot of experience with this type of custom work."
"Your client will love this."
sac
/contractor
"I'm not married"
"No, of course that doesn't make your butt look big."
Quote from: msincredible on May 22, 2008, 08:32:04 PM
"No, of course that doesn't make your butt look big."
This is not a lie. Its actually NOT the pants that make your butt look big. Your big butt looks that way all on its own.
;D
sac
/I keed, I keed
Quote from: msincredible on May 22, 2008, 08:32:04 PM
"No, of course that doesn't make your butt look big."
my response would be "ooooo girl, sho nuff and you got this dawg pantin'' ooooo eee"
well, not really. [laugh]
"I'm sorry! I won't do it again."
"Don't worry, that'll never happen."
And, the classic, as you sit there in your paper toga:
"The doctor will be right with you."
I am not a crook...
I'm different from all those other guys.
Of course I'm listening.
Your order was shipped yesterday.
"I won't laugh."
"Be gentle, I've never done this before" [roll]
Quote from: NAKID on May 22, 2008, 11:52:50 PM
"Be gentle, I've never done this before" ::)
[laugh]
I fixed it, it was supposed to be a roll eyes smiley. Apparently squeak didn't keep all of the old smilies the same!
"I'll be right back"
"i'm just really busy, i'll get to it soon."
"i already sent that to you."
"i don't see any record of you placing that order."
"It'll be there in 2 days."
"i swear i didn't know she was your sister."
"I did not inhale"
I'll only drink one of your beers.
"I promise" [coffee]
"Sure I'll save your bar stool"
"Don't worry I've ridden a bike before"
"Can I just sit on it?"
i'll give it right back, i promise ;D
"i ordered it, just waiting for it to show up"
"i sent it out yesterday"
"yes, we have that in stock"
"my cost is only $1950, so i only make $100 on it at list price" -trying to get a deal on a new yamaha zuma
"i wont wreck it" - 2 minutes before my buddy laid over my ktm, but no real damage happened.
and lastly, the biggest lie in history.
"its your baby"
"This will hurt me more than it will you" - Dad
"This war is not about oil" - G-Dub
"Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised." - G-Dub
Quote from: Ohmic on May 22, 2008, 06:53:57 PM
"Don't worry... i'm on the pill"
And then they pregnant dog about the horrors of being a single mom. I'm sorry, but if you intentionally get yourself pregnant because you think your man will leave you and you think a baby will make him stay... [bang] [bang] [bang]
Here are a few other good ones:
"My number is 703.555.4185."
"Just sign this estimate for $250 so we can figure out what's wrong."
"I'm just big boned." (The massive rolls of lard hanging over the tops of your jeans aren't bones.)
Some things I've tried to get away with. Some worked, some didn't...
"I was at the doctor" - an excuse for being 2 hours late to work [beer]
"I have nothing to hide" - said right before someone searches and finds said "nothing." [bang]
"I have never cheated on you" - you'd be surprised what others view as cheating [evil]
twofer
SacDuc say's it wont hurt one bit.......
would SacDuc lie?
[laugh]
"Yes, I had a beer a little over an hour ago, officer" [drink]
"She just knows how to pose" fat ugly chick commenting on a girl with a fantastic ass
"It wont be more than 5 hours labour"
- oh, we never received your invoice, can you please send it again?
- the check went to be signed this morning, it should be in the mail tomorrow
- i was gonna do it!
- they all do that, it's the way the are designed.
- sometimes the instructions are wrong.
- this card entitles the bearer to a free sample bottle of 'insert product name here'
Quote from: Ducatista on May 23, 2008, 11:05:32 AM
"I'm just big boned." (The massive rolls of lard hanging over the tops of your jeans aren't bones.)
That's the muffin-top, babeeee!
Quote from: NeufUnSix on May 23, 2008, 11:28:48 AM
"She just knows how to pose" fat ugly chick commenting on a girl with a fantastic ass
"It wont be more than 5 hours labour"
that's funny,i heard that at work once
of course, my frontal lobe forgot to tell me NOT to reply "no, i think it's she just knows how to avoid shoveling food in her mouth and how to exercise often"
yep. never spoke to me again.
Sorry i missed your call hon, my cell phone was turned off/battery died/was missing.
No, I didnt eat the last of the ice cream.
Yes, I let the dogs out.
You need how much dear? Cause i gotta tell ya, I'm broke right now.
I promise I will have only one beer tonight.
(wait a minute. These make me look like the dirty liar!)
Quote from: bobspapa on May 23, 2008, 11:22:11 AM
twofer
SacDuc say's it wont hurt one bit.......
would SacDuc lie?
[laugh]
You forgot:
This is how all the supermodels in Europe do it so they don't get pregnant.
Once you get used to it it feels better than the regular way.
All of my other girlfriends have.
[laugh]
Also:
"This doesn't make us gay."
Quote from: SacDuc on May 23, 2008, 12:30:00 PM
Also:
"This doesn't make us gay."
"Yes it does, sweetie."
No, I swear. I love America. I would never plant IEDs/shoot mortars/support terrorist groups
er, sorry, flashback
"I'm not sure how fast I was going" I used this after being pulled over going 115mph :-[
"I didn't know I couldn't do that"
"It's not a hickey, it's a rash"
"did you just fart?"
"We'll keep the board just the way it is now. Nothing will change."
Quote from: Pakhan on May 23, 2008, 03:53:25 PM
"did you just fart?"
Thats a good one... especially in the car, with more than two people.
It's even better following an audible one in a car of two people.
and you were the farter.
"We tell each other everything" - relationships are fun
"It must have gotten lost in the mail"
"I've never even met that chick"
"she's only a friend"
"we were just friends"
"we never screwed"
"ok, she only gave me head once"
"no, I am not the father of her child" (who looks just like me)
"You Household goods[bike] just got into tacoma washington, it's going to get on the boat in a day or two and should be there next week" Three different movers from united van lines told me this three weeks straight
That's why I always do a DITY (Do IT Yourself) move...
Quote from: NAKID on May 25, 2008, 08:06:29 PM
That's why I always do a DITY (Do IT Yourself) move...
That's funny. I never put that together.
Seriously? You thought they just named it DITY for shits and giggles? [laugh]
This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.
(Thank GOD I've never had to deal with this yeah)
Yeah, I'm clean.
What could go wrong ? ;)
Fuego
My Uncle helped liberate Auschwitz.
"Your order will ship in 24 hours and we'll call you if there's a problem."
Man, you are a pretty good at bowling.