Ducati Monster Forum

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.


* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the
rest to God.

    At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people.
 
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
 
Internal Revenue Service
 
Postal Service
 
Telephone Service

Civil Service
 
City & County Public Service
 
Customer Service
 
Service Stations

 
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.


 
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM!  It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Two fellers...were standin on a bridge...goin' to the bathroom. One feller said "The water's cold"  n' tother one said "It's deep."

...I think one of them fellers was from Arkansas.

...Git it?

(http://www.tvguide.com/movies/dbpix/images/38575a.jpg)

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
                 A half-gallon of 2% milk,
                 A carton of eggs,
                 A quart of orange juice,
                 A head of romaine lettuce,
                 A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
                 A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.  But how on earth did you
know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.

I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
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A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?". The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, tha man says "thats a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250". "Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them" "Yes siad the farmer, thats how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter" The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "thats how you weigh pigs". By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "hang on, i'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife". To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".
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Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE xxxxING DISHES!!"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says"Does this taste funny to you"?


Two bums are sitting in an alley. A German shepard walks into the alley, sits down, and starts licking his balls. One bum turns to the other and says "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The other one says "I dunno, that's a pretty big dog."

 I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about five minutes, when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, buddy, how About giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horseshit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+ 7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work andKnowledgewill get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit andAsskissing that will put you over the top.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I always get an erection.  It can be embarrassing sometimes  :-[
I went to the doctor last week and told him my problem.
He said, "No wonder you get aroused, you look like a pussy!"

> CHINESE PROVERBS 
 > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

A couple more:

Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day!
To meet girl in park is good, to park meat in girl is better.

So I had to go to the doctor Monday. I pulled something in my back last week loading the tool trailer and it's been making work pretty rough. After the usual 45 min wait, I get in a room and a few minutes later the doc shows up. He makes some small talk, then does all the usual stuff...poking and prodding and what-not.

He steps back and gives me that patented "grim doctor face" they give you right before they tell you the bad news. I'm totally expecting to hear that I'm gonna be out of work for a while. He says, "You need to stop masturbating so much". Shocked, I asked him why. He said, "Cause I'm trying to examine you".

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]



A man and his wife are getting a little frisky one night before they go to sleep.  After a while the woman realizes their door's cracked and their young son is watching with a puzzled look on his face.  "Honey," she says, "I think we're being watched."  Her husband glances over his shoulder and then says to her with a chuckle "I guess I'll have to have the talk with him tomorrow."

The next afternoon he's looking around the house for his son to talk with him and can't find him anywhere.  Finally he ventures out to their in-law quarters to see if his mother's seen him.  Opening the door, he's horrified by what he sees and exclaims "what the hell?!"  At this, the son looks over his shoulder and yells "IT'S NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOM, HUH?!!!"

Cowboy:  "That your dog?"

Indian:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian:  "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog:  "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy:  "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian:  "Horse no talk."

Cowboy:  "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy:  "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "How's he treating you?"

Horse:  "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian:  "Sheep lie

Little Johnny's dad was drinking some beer one afternoon.  Little Johnny asked for a beer and his Dad responded, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says, "What.... of course it doesn't."  Dad responds, "Well you can't have a beer then."

Later that day, being the badass Harley rider that he is, Little Johnny's dad was about to go for a ride on his motorcycle up to the local bar.  Little Johnny says "Let me ride it."  Dad says, "Can your dick touch your asshole yet."

"Well no," says Johnny.  "Well, you can't ride it then," says his father.

Little Johnny's dad amazingly gets back from the bar on his bike and Johnny is sitting on the porch eating some cookies.

His dad says, "Mmmm, them cookies look good.  Give me one."

Little Johnny responds, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"  Dad says, "Of course it can!"

Little Johnny says, "Well good, cause you might as well go make the beast with two backs yourself cause you ain't getting none my make the beast with two backsing cookies."

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

A riddle

If the stork brings white babies and the crow brings black babies, what beings no babies?
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  A swallow     

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The se cond is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teac her asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f........ difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful...'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

Yeah!  Glad this thread is back!  This is not a joke, but more of a "true that"

Wingman
This goes out to my squadron...to all those I have flown wing for, and for all those brave souls who flew wing for me.
The Wingman.
There is a man out there. He waits in the shadows. He always appears on cue, and rarely fails at his assigned task. He can blend in with the crowd or become the center of attention.
He's your buddy. Your friend. Your wingman. Yes, the legendary wingman. The man who "takes one for the team," "jumps on the grenade," and generally keeps someone else occupied while you're "engaging the primary target." Now, the secondary target isn't always a prize. Sometimes, they're downright scary. You know who they are. The "friend that drove us here." The "we have to leave now" or "we have to get up early" girl. The "if you think you're going home with her, you're sadly mistaken" friend. The "HELLO? We're having a girls' night out here" girl. I'm sure you get the idea. Usually, it's some skank who you could care less about, but you have to distract so you can talk to her friend.
This feeds into my long-standing theory that attractive people seek out ugly friends, to make themselves feel even more attractive.  This is how the attractive folks then become the leaders of these little groups. But they also use the not-as-attractive friends as human shields, practically screaming: "If you want me, you'll have to find matches for my band of girl-goyles."
Enter the wingman.
Selfless beings, wingmen are generally just happy to be there for you. Some wingmen even find joy in playing decoy. Guys and gals, we've all been there. You spot the one you want across the crowded room. Then, out of fear, shyness, or sheer cowardice, you can't bring yourself to walk up to the object of your affection alone. Walking up to a crowd of guys (or girls) to talk to only one of them is rarely a winning proposition.
So, you walk over with your winger.
Hell, sometimes I've been known to take a whole squadron. Sometimes, you're the winger. Whatever. You strike up a conversation. You move in. The winger covers your six. It's a beautiful thing.  And you can never predict how your mission will turn out.  Sometimes, the wingman does better than you. Sometimes the human shields are more appealing than the primary target.  Sometimes, you get shot down. Sometimes, your wingers get shot down and  you have to abort because you lost your cover. And of course, sometimes the mission is a success.
There are many who sit in the hallowed halls of flight history for acts of sheer bravery-going above and beyond the call of duty-doing the equivalent of a kamikaze. Yes, I mean taking the secondary target home.  A moment of silence for those brave, brave wingers.
Oh yeah... I almost forgot,sometimes you fly right into a heavy combat zone, where she (or he) was good (looking) from afar, but far from good. Definite mission abort. And it's not easily done with grace. My best maneuver? Pretend she was someone you thought you knew, apologize, and walk away.
But, you ask, who makes the best wingman? This is pretty simple.
A.      Ugly friends of your own. You know you have 'em. They're nice, fun, and cool, but kinda lost the lottery on looks. You love 'em to death, but you also know that they're perfect for your mission objectives. It's OK to admit you have ugly friends.
B.      Hot friends who don't know they're hot. Be careful, these are the wingers who accidentally blow you right out of the sky. I have several of these in my squadron.
C.      Married or dating people. Perfect. These people have nothing to lose. To them, flying wing is "just talking." The key here is having them save the "I have a girlfriend/ wife/ boyfriend/ husband/ lover" sentence until the very end of the conversation.
D.      Friends who just don't care. 'Nuff said.
And who makes a poor wingman?
A.      Dorks.
B.      Drunk guy. He'll crash and burn and nip your wing on his way down. You'll end the night as a smoldering heap of what used to be dignity.
C.      Boring guys. Nothing worse than having to turn around and bail out your own wingman.

As I told a friend of mine not too long ago, for all my successful missions, lost planes, and wingers who went on to bigger and better things, I'd rather be sitting in the officers' club, polishing my medals and reminiscing about when I used to fly.
Good luck to you all.

Baaahahahahahahahaha that's effin' hilarious!

 Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore." :D

Chinese Torture?
 

A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money."

CHINESE SICK LEAVE "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
 
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
 
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'   

 

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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.   
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.   
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.   
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Coca-Cola was originally green.     
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.   
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska     
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)   
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.   
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:   

         Spades - King David
         Hearts - Charlemagne
         Clubs -Alexander, the Great
         Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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  If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.   
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? 
 
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?   

A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.   
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
 
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'   
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.   
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'   
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. 
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! 
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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?   
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...   
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.   
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.   
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.   
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.   
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen   
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.   
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.   
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

       NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

a woman did not invent the bullet proof vest. So that one is erroneous. It was just covered on the History Channel or Discovery Channel.

True. But I believe it was a scorned woman that made the invention of a bullet proof vest necessary.

sac




/try the veal

Dude was from Detroit IIRC....  Kinda makes sense.

Coupla different folks worked on it. One was a monk or other church-related person. The move to Kevlar was late in the vest game. And none of the types are actually bullet proof.

y'all beat me to it... dang it..

I was pretty skeptical about the things there, until i read the bulletproof vest thing and believed nothing  ;D

Yeah a large number of those have been found to be untrue.  Entertaining though.

Yeah but all of Sno-duc's Little Ralphy's stories are true [cheeky]

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.







There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

I had my choice either the joke thread or somewhere on the political board.
I figured being an election year enough BS was already being shoveled into the fan.
So I posted on the joke thread.
Now mind your P's [beer] and Q's [drink]

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what happened?"....
With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... ."Ugh, run , run ! .. it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush."

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You take it the morning after and it changes your DNA.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and
> all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'The
> fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the
> fence and looked through to see what was going on. Some
> idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all
> started shouting '14....14....14'...

What does a woman's asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common?



















You're not supposed to lick them, but you do anyways.  :-*

Two monkeys are sitting in the bath.

One says 'Ooh! ooh! hah! hoo!'

The other one says 'Why don't you just put in some cold?'

A baby seal walks into a club...

A polar bear and his young son were tooling across the tundra, heading out for the daily hunt, and at one point the youngster looks up at his dad and says, "Hey dad, am I a polar bear?". The dad looks down, smiles and replies, "Why, yes you are, son, and I'm darn proud of it!". The youngster ponders his dad's reply, and continues on. A little later he asks again, "Hey dad, are you SURE I'm a polar bear?". His dad says, "Well, I'm pretty sure you are, son, but I tell you what...let's ask your mother when we get home".
They get home that night and the youngster makes a beeline straight for his mom. "Hey mom, am I a polar bear?", he asks. "You certainly are, son...why do you ask?", she replies.
He says, "Cuz I am frickin' COLD!"

A priest sees a young boy (probably Lil' Ralphie or Lil' Johnny) walking down the road (no, it is not that kinda joke) tossing a bottle of liquid in the air and catching it.

The priest asks the boy, "What is that."  "It's acid," says the boy.  The priest is concerned about the boy playing with the acid and offers him a bottle of holy water in exchange for the bottle of acid.

The boy says, "Yea, what is so special about the holy water."  The Priest says, "Well, it is very special.  It comes from the Vatican and if you put this holy water on a woman's belly, she may pass a baby."

To which the boy responds, "Yea, that's nothing.  If you put this acid on a cat's ass, it will pass a motorcycle."

The Bathtub Test

 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
 you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
  a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
  bathtub.'

 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
  bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
  want a bed near the window?'

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU  (Please write them down)

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up.

a man walks into a bar.

^^ ;D ;D ;D

A rabbi walks into a bar with a bullfrog on one shoulder.

The bartender looks him over, smiling, and says:

"That's great! Where'd you find that?"

To which the bullfrog says "Brooklyn. There's hundreds of 'em!"

a man comes home from work to find his wife topless, rubbing cream on her chest. says the man, 'now what are you doing there?' the wife says 'heard on oprah today that it can make my chest larger, so i thought i'd give it a try' husband looks at her for a second and says 'try toilet paper, it worked on your ass'

So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

 [thumbsup]

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arkansas DSP Trooper for Speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard
of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"     

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'a a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.







After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

bahaha!!! [laugh]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk..
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent..

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Ducati wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes - just caffeine."
 
"Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
 
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"  The guy says, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K.  In that case, I can hire you right now.  Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM, every day."
 
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,  why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."
 

on the diaries: good twist on a classic.

When girls don't put out!!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
chic knows I'm smarter than her.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

''The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

A DML admin walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender says "What the hell is that all about?"

The frog shrugs and says "I dunno...it started out as a wart on my ass".  :D

Horse, A Chicken & A Monster


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.


One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Ducati.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Ducati, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the passenger handles of the farmer's monster, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Ducati back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

















 When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Ducati To Pick Up Chicks!!!

waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa

Baaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Dude that is the funniest thing I{ve read lately!!!!!

You live in Arizona when..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2... You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2... You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

"y'all" is not singular.   [roll] yankees.

it also has the apostrophe in the wrong place, i noticed upon first read. And i know nobody with the 'double-name'...

When i lived in Louisiana, I had friends who would argue with me over where to put the apostrophe in y'all.  These were all educated people who recognized that it SHOULD be after the y, but had always seen it after the a. 

And my roommate in college was Billy Joe. 

Y'all are a tough crowd. Are blondes fair game?


Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."




 
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant alerts the pilot and copilot of the situation.

The copilot tells the blonde that she will have to move back to Economy Class.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asks him what he said make her move without any fuss.

The pilot smiled. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."





Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.




Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.



A brunette was visiting her blonde friend who had just gotten two dogs from the local rescue center.
She asked her friend their names.
The blonde said, "This big shepherd is named Rolex and the chow is Timex."
The brunette asked her friend how she happened to chose those strange names.
The blonde replied, "They're watch dogs."




Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.



A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord but nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"




   Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen
to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
     They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



What did the blonde say
when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"


She was a bit overweight, so the blonde's doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned she'd lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing! "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.





A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.





A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
   
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
 
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
   
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
   
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks ?"



After hearing that milk baths would make her beautiful, a blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake — she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify her note.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 15 gallons or did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
   
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
   
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."



 What does a blonde make for dinner?
Reservations 

Q: What do an elephant and milk have in common?

A: They both come in quarts.

Why I fired my secretary:



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
We dined instead at a little place with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment.  I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...On the couch...Naked...

New Drink


A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice. So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks.......this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits......At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits......At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

You know how to recycle a condom?










Shake the F&#k out of it...

Condom jokes  [laugh]

A man and his wife are having what the wife believes is passionate, romantic sex to make their first child.

As soon as her husband is finished, she says "That was the best sex we have ever had, I love you so much. What should we name our first child?"

The husband then quickly pulls his condom off, ties it in a knot and says,

"If the little make the beast with two backser gets out of there, we'll call him Houdini."

The Blonde Joke:

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are all locked up in prison.  The brunette and redhead escape and drag the blonde along with them.  The cops are hot on their tails but the girls dart down an alley.  Hiding from the cops, the brunette jumps into a trash can, the redhead dives into a box and the blonde hops into a sack.  The cops, hearing a noise, start searching the alley. 

When they get to the trash can the brunette says, "Meow."  The cops say, "Must be a cat, keep moving."
When they get to the box the redhead says, "Woof Woof!"  The cops say, "Must be a dog, keep moving."
When they get to the sack, the blonde says, "Potatoes!"



The Mother in Law Joke:

A man is walking along the beach after having a miserable day of fighting with his mother-in-law about all things in life.  As he kicks in the sand in disgust he uncovers a lamp.  He picks up the lamp and rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, "I can grant you three wishes however your mother-in-law will get twice whatever you ask for."
Thrilled with having wishes the man blurts, "I wish I had one million dollars!"
A million dollars appears in front of the man, stacked all nice and neatly.  The genie replies, "Your wish is granted, of course now your mother-in-law has two million dollars."
Mildly irritated to hear his mother-in-law is profiting off of his wishes the man continues, "I wish I had fancy car!"
A fancy car appears in front of the man.  The genie replies, "Your wish is granted, of course now your mother-in-law has two million dollars and two fancy cars.
Visibly angry the man shouts, "I wish you'd beat me half to death!!"



The Political Joke:

The Pope, Obama and a Fox News Reporter are all in boat fishing on a lake.  An unexpected, strong gust of wind blows the Popes hat twenty yards away across the lake.  As the Pope and the reporter make preparations to start paddling the boat over to get the hat Obama says, "It's no problem, I'll go get it."  Obama then proceeds to stand up in the boat, step out and walk across the water, retrieve the Pope's hat, walk back across the water and sit back inside the boat.

The next day Fox News Headlines read: "Obama can't swim!"



The Niche Joke:

After attending a seminar together high on a mountain, a manager, an engineer and a computer scientist all jump into a car and start going down.  As they ride down the steep mountain-side road the brakes fail and the car careens out of control bashing and smashing against the guardrail and the side of the mountain until it miraculously skids sideways to a stop.  Faced with traveling the rest of the way down without brakes they begin brainstorming a solution. 

The manager says, "Well, I propose we decide upon a said goal and come up with a meaningful slogan to keep focused.  Once we have that we can divy up jobs to fit each of our strong suits and update each other on our completed work until our goal is reached."
The engineer retorts, "No, I have a better idea and that never works anyway!  I can crawl under the car right now, isolate the probable fluid leak, cut out the faulty section in the hose with my swiss army knife and patch the cable with some bubble gum which will be good enough for now."
Confused, the computer scientist poses, "Why go to all this work if we don't need to?  I think we should jump in the car and continue going down to see if the same problem will happen again."

Polite Way To Pee...
 
                       During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
                       Manners, asked her students the following question:
 
                       ' Michael , if you were on a date having dinner with
                        a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you
                       Have to go to the bathroom?'
 
                       Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
                       The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be
                       Rude and impolite.'
 
                       'What about you, Sherman , how would you say it?'
                       Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go
                       To the bathroom.  I'll be right back.'
 
 
                      'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
                       The word bathroom at the dinner table.'
 
 
                       'And you, little Johnny , can you use your brain for
                       Once and show us your good manners?'
 
                       'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for
                       a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
                             Friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to
                             After dinner.' '
 
                       The teacher fainted.

**I aplogize in advance if this joke offends anybody - I am in no way racist - I laugh equally at any funny jokes deriding any & all races/genders/sexual orientations or any combination thereof!**

Subject: New Caddie

         A man goes to a public golf course

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."


The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you
is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're
willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell
me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to
himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and sa id, "No sir. Use your 3 wood..
A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with
the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the
hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
gonna break left to right"

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this
green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he
ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhous e, the man behind the counter asked,
"How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST
game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of
your robots.

See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies,
please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the
robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun
reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't
show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro
shop, and the other is running for President."

If that were true, you wouldn't find it funny.

I don't discriminate, I hate everybody equally  :)

I'm with mstevens...kinda in bad taste  :-\

I didn't find it amusing either. :-X

Dumb racial stereotypes always make for a good joke!

I hope this dosn't offend anyone...

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYTimes reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid i n danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Ducati Monster and I am a Republican. "

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Don't forget about blonde lawyers selling used cars.


Racial jokes don't bother me. I reallize that in every subgroup ( racial, profession......) you are going to have a certain % that are class acts and a certain % that are trash.
What bothers me is when people start living down to racial stereotypes. [bang] WAKE UP, you choose, so don't choose to be stupid.

I haven't heard this one.  Do Tell!  [popcorn]

Yes. That's funny. Thank you.

GITCHA MOMMA

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r
what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old

blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
'Boy.................go gitcha momma'

A guy walks into a bar carrying a weasel under one arm, and wearing a zebra-stripe hat.  The bartender takes one look at him, and says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

A psychotherapist is confronting three mothers and their children at a school meeting. He says to the mothers " you are all controlled by your obsessions.

He turns to the first woman "Madam, you are obsessed with sweets. You are so controlled by them that you have named your child Candy."

He turns to the second mother "Madam, you are obsessed with alcohol. You are such a lush, you even named your child Brandy."

The third mother stands up and says "C'mon Dick, we're leving!"

A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's walking out the door, the clerk cheerfully says, "Come again!"

The blonde stops and says "No, it's mustard this time."

Barack Obama , Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America.  He is considered by those who have dealt with him, as more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet.  Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.  Then he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands a child in America dies from gun violence."

Little Johnny with a proud Texas Drawl, pierced the quiet, "Well, stop clapping!"

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 [laugh]

A Condensed Version of History
For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
 
1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
 
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
 
1. Liberals
 
2. Conservatives.
 
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so  while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they  just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the  Conservative movement.
 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the  conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,  fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
 
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became  known as girlie-men.
 
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the  invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
 
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most  powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well  done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting  evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,  dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
 
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for  their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate  executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a  living.
 
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and  decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more  enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when  conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
 
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
 
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
 
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers  and to more liberals just to piss them off....

 [roll]

There is a political section, fyi...

And I already posted that joke in the Humor at Hillary's Expence thread a month ago.

that's a good place for it

Yeah, we could go on forever with conservatives jokes.  :P

And now back to your scheduled programming.....

I remember that one. The difference in the one I read was that the guy hadn't slept with Teresa yet so Hell is endothermic.

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open...

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Teed Off In South Carolina

(http://www.arbybean.com/ar/images/trackdays.jpg)

 Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
 
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a pregnant dog.

Little Johnny's Sister

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

'No,' Sally replied, 'salty!'

Mom fainted.

Sunday Morning Sex



I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even; nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

MEN vs WOMEN


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in  any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr.  Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me!  Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr.  Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued.  "When we pulled her up she had two 25-pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr.  Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

 [clap] [laugh]

The Blind
Bunny









 




One morning
a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a
large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little
nose.




 




'Oh please
excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm
blind and can't see.'




 




'That's
perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault.
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
coming. By the way, what kind of animal are
you?'




 




'Well, I
really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen
myself. Maybe you could examine me and find
out.'




 




So the snake
felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly,
and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny
rabbit!'




 




The bunny
said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal
are you?'




 




The snake
replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine
him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what
kind of an animal am I?'




 




The bunny
had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're
slippery, and you haven't got any balls..You must be a
POLITICIAN'

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Imram Singh entered the fourth grade.

The  teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said  'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except  for Imram, who had his
Hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he  said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the  People, for the People,
Shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no  response except from Imram.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Imram.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

Imram, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'make the beast with two backs the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Imram put his hand  up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back  said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!  Now, who said that?'

Again, Imram says, 'George Bush to the  Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yells,  'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Imram jumps out of his chair waving his  hand and shouts to the
Teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,  1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you  say
Anything else, I'll kill you.'

Imram frantically yells at  the top of his voice, ' Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying  against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around  the teacher on
The floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're make the beast with two backsed!'

And Imram said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq,  2007.'

Little Bruce & Jenny


 Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are
 in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
 goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

 Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are
 in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

 Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well
 Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

 Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In
 Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

 Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

 Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny gets five bucks a
 week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
 should do us just fine.'

 Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well
 Bruce, it seems like you have everything
 figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of
 you should have little ones of your own?'

 Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

 Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
 
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat
ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

 [laugh]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation. 
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,  'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
 

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.
 
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis

The drunk answered,


"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
 
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
 
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he  Hears,
 
 "Ribbit 9 Iron."
 
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.  ???
 
 Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
 
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
 
Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
 
 He is shocked.  :o
 
 He says to the frog,
 
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies,
 
 "Ribbit lucky frog."
 
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?"  The man asks.
 
 "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.  :o
 
 The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
 
 The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
 
 Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should Bet?"
 
 The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
 
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit kiss me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss,  :-* the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
 
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."  [evil]

That's not funny. Same thing happened to a friend of mine.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

What is Snoop Dogg doing to reduce his carbon footprint?








He switched all of his caddies over to bio dizzle!!!

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh m y goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the make the beast with two backsin' sheet rock.”

Two guys are drinking in a bar at the top of the empire state building.
One guy looks to the other and says "the air current between these buildings is so great that you can jump out the window and the wind will blow you back into the building at the 8th floor."
Not believing this, the second guy says "Prove it!"
The first guy jumps out the window, falls almost to the ground and gets blown back up to the 8th floor window.  He comes back in and says to the second guy "I told you it works" but the second guy doesnt believe him and says to do it again.
The first guy jumps out the window again and sure enough, gets blown back up to the 8th floor window.  When he returns to the bar the second guy decides to give it a try.  He jumps out the window and falls... falls... falls until splat, right on the pavement below.
The bartender looks at the first guy and says "Youre a real a$$hole when youre drunk, Superman!"

A man asks his wife, "Can I cum in your ear?"
The wife says, "Hell no!  I'll go deaf!"
The husband replies, "Bullshit!  I cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the f*ck up!"

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into it. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the
backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th
& 24th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th, three
times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

Subject: Smart Blonde

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out
to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is
coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2
by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of
cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.  Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time."
 
 
She said …"You have the Biggest Dick of all your Friends."

That is a good one. Nice ma'am.  Very nice.

Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asks the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell
me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother, 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird
in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate. But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother Superior!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of
myself And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either', cried the Sister 'the hawk started to fly out
of sight, the   squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the
green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches
from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?'

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers....
 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Take One
Two engineering students were cycling across campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?' The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]
 [clap]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
Knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
Knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John
And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
And knocked her out of her chair.

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.


"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

 Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."
 

 

 [laugh]  [laugh]  [laugh]
ROTFLMAO!  Thank you for making my day!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


*


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

*

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'


*


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'   Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'   To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny ! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'



Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

 [laugh] [laugh]

 And then the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and  I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I  hear she hasn't been sober since.'
 
My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'   [beer]

And then the fight started...

**********************************************************************

 I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 And then the fight started...

 **********************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I  would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

 And then the fight started...

Now THAT's humor!  [clap]

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year.'


The guy, wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! '

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well ... You started it.'

Grounds for Divorce



A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Bill's football game from Rochester. At
the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.


They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after
the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes
it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any tickets at
all!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.


'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and
the three women cram into the next toilet just down the hallway.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on
their door and says, 'Tickets please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men often think they are smarter than women






even as a dude I found it funny!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut he asked  about his bill and the barber replies,   'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he Tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card  and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
 
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money  from you.  I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. 

We got that one already...  [roll] Look a page or 2 back.  [cheeky]

I thought this was funny... the names  have been changed to protect the innoscent


Italian Tomatoes

 

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad.

A few days later... he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, your son

At 4 AM the next morning, FBI AGENTS and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, your son

WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER.

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

  When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the  urinal.
 
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th.'
 
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.' 

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [clap]

 [laugh]

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colordiagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really
hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of  powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ³What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was20ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking
'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even0D
more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had
passed with flying colors.


I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Stay Well, Do Good, and Write Often.

What timing  :(

Excluding for the ABBA music and Doctor's name you described my yesterday and today.  We need one like this [puke] for the other end :'(

I had one done several years ago b/c of a GI disorder that was causing me to vomit uncontrollably ever 2 months.

My body's always been kinda resistant to anesthesia.

I partially woke up in the middle of mine.   >:(

It wasn't pleasant.

I apologize in advance to any members who are Chinese  :(

[Mod edit: generally if you have to pre-apologize, the joke's over the line. RTM received, joke removed]

A gorgeous woman slinks up next to a lone businessman in a hotel bar.

They flirt lightly for a while, then eventually she leans over and whisper into his ear "You know, I'll do anything you want for $300."

The businessman thinks for a moment, then asks "Anything? Anything I want?"

"Absolutely anything your dirty little mind can think of," she purrs back.

He thinks for a moment, nods to himself as if he's decided it's a good deal, then reaches for his wallet and peels out 6 $50's, holds them out to her unobtrusively and says...

"Paint my house."

 [laugh] [clap] On the floor  [laugh]

Dave Barry is a fantastic writer!

my girl (who clearly does not work THAT hard) sent me this one today

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment then we may want. 

For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.  I met with her yesterday and she's gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
   
She told me that I have to stop masturbating. 
 
I asked her why and she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'  At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'Sir, there's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
 
All Seniors Aren't Senile

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we do have a new drink.
Created by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka"

The guy asks, "good grief, what do you call that?!"

The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

Dude... I just spit out my soda.  [laugh]

Pun Intended


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,
he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Husband Store
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Lov e Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love $ex.

The second floor has wives that love $ex and have money and like beer and own a Ducati.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'


And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[laugh]

loling good one

A mechanic was working late one night when a man walked into his shop. "Can you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am a moth."

The mechanic replied, "I am a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," replied the man.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Your light was on."

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of a mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 35 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be in a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn''t be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two curves later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next curve, same thing. I''d
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the curve but
when we came out he''d get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Curve after curve, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full curve behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best parts of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don''t think I''ve ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

Paging MsIncredible...  MsIncredible to the DMF joke thread please...

The timing is amazing....

I nearly passed a Harley descending on my Orbea on Sunday (for real). :D 8) 

I could have done it if he hadn't blocked me (hogging the left side of the lane, sometimes crossing the DY, on a narrow twisty road with almost all blind corners).   I almost passed him anyway but there are too many cars doing stupid stuff on that road for me to take a chance in those blind corners.

I gave him a headstart, caught up, tailgated him through one twisty section, he gunned it in the next straight.  I think he was quite surprised to find me right behind him on the next two twisty sections.  [laugh]

Unfortunately a Civic pulled out of a parking lot during one longer straight and I was stuck behind it the rest of the way down.

I just wish I could have seen the expression on the rider's face...he was definitely not pleased. ;D

A man walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap for underware.

The Psychiatrist said "I can clearly see your nutts"

Stranded on a deserted island:  Stevie Ray is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And he replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a DUCATI MONSTER in there!"

Getting a blow job from an ugly girl is like bungee jumping.  It feels great, just don't look down.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a  hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom  yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says,  "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law  to death with a hammer."

The voice in  the back of the courtroom yells out, "You  bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand  your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy  in the back of the courtroom stands up and says, "I'm sorry,  Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door  to that bastard, and  every time I asked to borrow a  hammer, he said he didn't have  one."

Here are a few from Groucho. 

# Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

# A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

# If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

# Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

# Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

# Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

# As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

# Blood's not thicker than money.

# I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

# I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

# Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

# Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

# Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

# Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

# From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

# He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot

# How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

# I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

# I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

# I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

# I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

# I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

# I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

# I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

# I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

# I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it

# If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

# I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

# Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Dorothy Parker quotes

One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

(Playing a word game, making a sentence with "Horticulture.")
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.


    Razors pain you,
    Rivers are damp,
    Acids stain you,
    And drugs cause cramp.
    Guns aren't lawful,
    Nooses give,
    Gas smells awful.
    You might as well live.

Unfortunate Coincidence

    By the time you swear you're his,

        Shivering and sighing,

    And he vows his passion is

        Infinite, undying,

    Lady, make a note of this —

        One of you is lying



Experience

    Some men tear your heart in two,
    Some men flirt and flatter,
    Some men never look at you,
    And that clears up the matter.


On a Yale prom

 If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

I've been too make the beast with two backsing busy - or vice versa.

    * This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

What fresh hell is this? Reportedly her stock comment when the telephone rang

    * Tallulah Bankhead: "Why, it's as easy as ducking for apples."
      Dorothy Parker: "Hah, change one letter in that sentence and you've got the story of my life."

While we're doing quotes...

Steven Wright

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

"So, do you live around here often?"

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

That's been one of my favorites of hers.

An elderly  woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse  full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on  talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of  money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,   '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of  bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told  the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.
'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure..'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied ,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[laugh]

good one!

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

I bought some banks last week. And an Ins. company.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp77WR6b6Ao

A hobo walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink on the house.

The bartender laughs and tells the hobo he'll give him a drink if he can show him something impressive.

The hobo nods, and pulls a rat out of his pocket. Out of another pocket he produces a tiny piano. He sets the piano and the rat on the bar and the rat begins to play a jazz tune.

"Holy shit, that's incredible! That's worth a drink."

The hobo finishes his drink and asks the bartender for another.

The bartender tells the hobo he can have unlimited drinks on the house if he can top the piano playing rat.

The hobo nods, and pulls a frog out of his coat. He sets the frog on top of the tiny piano, and the frog begins singing scat while the rat plays.

The bartender begins feverishly mixing drinks and shoving them towards the hobo.

A man in a suit notices the show and walks over to the hobo.

"Buddy, that's an amazing duo you have there. I'll give you a hundred grand, right now, for the pair."

The hobo responds "They aren't for sale."

"Cmon pal, a man in your situation can't sit on an act like that! I'll give you 250 000!"

"Nope"

"Well, how about 150 000 for the singing frog?"

The hobo thinks it over for a minute and agrees. The man in the suit writes him a cheque, takes the frog and leaves the bar.

The bartender says to the hobo "Jesus man, how could you do that? Split up a duo like that? Those two have got to be worth millions!"

The hobo smiles. "It's okay, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Uh... this guy walks into a bar... the other one ducks.

Bill stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Fred asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'


'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained.


'I want to make a perfect shot.'


His partner Fred exclaimed, 'Oh come on, you don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left he told her that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied

#2 - there was plenty of heat

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied

#2 - there wasn't any heat

#3 - it was entirely too large

Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship Holding her
hat tight So that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
'Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
But! Did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady.
'I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat.'

'But madam, you must know that you are Not wearing any panties And
your privates are exposed!'
Said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
Then back up at the man
And replied,
'Sir, anything you see down there
Is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!'

Worthy of a derby:

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual (or Clymer or Chilton equivalents) in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?

The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

 
THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000

For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).

 

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
 
 

First time I had seen that.   [thumbsup]

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

 [bang] [bang] [bang]
I''ve been using that very book for years [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, Ma'am," he says and leaves.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he 
decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his 
gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and 
discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his 
doctor 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good 
news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your 
groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to 
remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
 
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage 
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your 
brother a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local 
symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you 
don't piss in your eye.'

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road ...Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00 PM."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months!

I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

^ ^ ^
|  |  |

THAT's funny!!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Two Wisconsin guys are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing, quietly drinking beer.
 
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says;
'I think I'm going to divorce my wife -
she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
 
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,
then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find.'

What's Brown and Sticky??








































A stick

[laugh]

Can you solve this puzzle?
 
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?









































* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round*

[laugh]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.   
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.   
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

what brown and sounds like a bell
























dung!

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [clap]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.



Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house



He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.


I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.



Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.



If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.



However, if there is amiscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'



At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.



'You gonna try again

Nice^^


My Dad sent me this one today;



Why men don't write advice columns.


To Willy Walter, Agony Uncle.

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her!!!!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely
Mrs Sheila Smith

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carboretor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Willy Walter, Agony Uncle.

Well I don't get it.  It sounds like perfectly good advice to me.  But I think he should have added a check of the electrical system.  Was the engine getting any spark?

 [cheeky] [cheeky] [laugh] [laugh]

[laugh] [laugh] [clap]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000;
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land,
for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here,
was buried here, and three days later he rose
from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.

He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for
sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota ' for you
non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He
reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer
Who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs
another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the
cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor,
Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust
bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the t eat, and the cow farts. Sven
looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't
yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
He replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

Don't flirt at a Halloween party


A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
Was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he
went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go
as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother,
apparently he had the time of his life.

 :o

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
 
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
 
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
 
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says............................................
 
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your male appendage was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new member that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen...."

i have today off  ;D

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving
drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives
the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

 filthy rich Floridian man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the Newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.



For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.



Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

One day moses and jesus were walking along the shoreline, when moses says to jesus "do you think we still got it" jesus says i dunno lets find out. so moses puts his stick in the water. waves crash and the sea splits. moses still gots it. so, now its jesus' turn he cracks his knuckles and says this should be easy. takes 3 or 4 steps out into the water and --splash-- he falls in, he comes back out and says let me try again, but to his dismay, the same thing happens. confused, jesus says" i dont know what happened. back in the day i could walk all the way across this sea with ease." moses turns to him and says, "back in the day you didnt have holes in your feet."

Theres a guy sitting at a bar and he noticably upset. So the bartender asks him whats wrong and the guy starts tellingthe bartenter how bad his day has been.

 "First, I got fired from my job and came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. Then I was so upset that I didn't even look as I was backing the car out of the driveway and got hit and I totaled the car."

 "Wow!" said the bartender. "You sound like you need some cheering up."

 The guy give him a look and states that there is nothing that can cheer him up.

 Well the bartender doesn't give up so he points to a gorilla sitting at the other end of the bar. "You see that gorilla at the end of the bar?" askes the bartender? "Well thats a trick gorilla, do you want to see him perform a trick?"

 The guy is a little skeptical but tells the bartender ok.

 The bartender grabs a baseball bat from behind the bar and hits the gorilla over the head with it. The gorilla falls down, gets up, runs around the bar three times and then gives the bartender a blowjob.

 The guy is in complete shock and doesn't say anything but just sits there with a bewildered look on his face.

 The bartender knowing that he just shocked the guy says "So you liked that huh?" "Want to see it again?"

 The guy agrees so the bartender hits the gorilla over the head with the bat again. The gorilla falls down, gets up, runs around the bar three times and then gives the bartender another blowjob.

 The guy is still in complete shock and all he can do is say "wow!" The bartender is obviously enjoying himself so he looks at the guy and says "Do you want to give it a try?"

 The guy stand up and says "Sure, just don't hit me so hard with the bat!"

(Apologies if anyone is offended. NOT a poke at Femininity which I regard with the uttermost respect.
This is a poke at menfolk who are oftentimes bewildered by non-verbal communication and basic politeness.)

no joke
 foot notes for understanding:

(http://mail.google.com/mail/?attid=0.1&disp=emb&view=att&th=11ecc507b3079222)

Roping A Deer
More like a funny story written in earnest; a bit long, but funny.


Roping A Deer (Names have been removed to protect the UNEDUCATED!)

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

 

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.  They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. .my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
 
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
 
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
 
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
 
That deer EXPLODED.
 
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
 
A deer-- no chance.
 
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
 
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
 
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
 
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
 
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
 
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
 
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
 
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
 
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
 
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
 
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached upwith my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
 
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
 
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
 
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
 
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

uh.... after reading that one... I may need something more powerful than a rifle when I go hunting.   ;D

Thoughts from a man:

Impotence is natures way of saying "No hard feelings."

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Why do many men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and decided to get married. The only thing that kept me from being absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was about 22, and always walked around in tight skirts, and usually without a bra.
One day little sister invited me over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and whispered to me that she had always had feelings for me that just wouldn't go away. She said that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commited myself to her sister.
Well, I was in shock, and couldn't say a word.
She then said "I'm going upstairs. If you want one last wild fling, come up and get me."
She then walked up the stairs, took her panties off and threw them at me, and walked into her bedroom.
I stood there for a moment, then turned around, ran to the front door, and ran out towards my car. There, on the sidewalk, was her whole family! Her father walked up, hugged me, and said " I knew you were the right man for my little girl, welcome to the family. I hope you're not too upset about this test we put you through."





The moral of this story?


Always leave your condoms in your car.

I think that one is on page 3.  ;D

Oh CRAP!!!


I've been Derby'd!!!

Still funny the 2nd time around though. ;D

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, Mister! You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody"s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his damned widow."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming 
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

________________________________________________________________________________________


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace 
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

________________________________________________________________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, 
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the Bike in the truck to go to the track, and proceeded to back out into a 
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned 
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into 
be d.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and 
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband 
is out riding in that?'

And then the fight started ....

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no," says Roger, "I just know her from volleyball". Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Boy Roger, sure looks like you picked up a pregnant dog tonight."

 [laugh] I walked past a strip club in North Beach (san francisco) with my girlfriend on the way to a nice restaurant and the door man, who I'd never seen before, pulled that, "Hey how are ya, good seeing you again. You're early tonight though."

V funny.

So.  How did you get out of that one [clap] [popcorn]

Even if she stumbles across this, she ain't gonna believe you (and neither do we).

Fifty one years ago, Herman James was drafted by the army.
On the first day, they issued him a comb. That afternoon, an army barber cut off all his hair.
On the second day, the issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an army dentist pulled seven of his teeth.
On the third day, they issued him a jockstrap.

The army has been looking for Herman for fifty one years!


*********************************************


I caught a ride downtown with my neighbor the other day. We get going, and come to a red light, and he whips right through it! I said "Don, that was a redlight!" He says "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time."
So we keep going, and hit another red light, and he does the same thing, plows right thru it. Cars are honking at us, and by this time, I'm wishing I just took the bus. I said " Don, you can't keep running red lights like this, you're gonna get us both killed!" He says " I told you, don't worry, my brother does it all the time."
So we come to the next light, which is green, and he stops!!! The car behind him almost plows into us, horns are honking, I said "Don, what the make the beast with two backs? Why'd you stop?" And he says "My brother might be coming the other way."

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman  he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3439/3232570123_bc5ab30a89_o.jpg)

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
 
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
   
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several ten se moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but b eing trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and st ared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
   
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop until the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.  SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
 

 [laugh] [clap] [laugh]

 [laugh] [laugh]

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub. They enjoyed each others company very much and at the end of the evening, Suzi invited Joe to her place where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe commented, "Surely you can't be ready for more?"

Suzi replied, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic and miss the days when I still had mine."

A man marries a deaf girl.

He says, "Let's work out a code.  If I want sex I'll stroke your left breast.  Pull my dick once for yes, 32 times for no."

 [laugh] [clap] [laugh]

;D

Wouldn't see have to be mute for that to make sense?

lipreader

A guy walks into a bar...





















































His buddy ducks.

JM

The Zipper 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'

Q: If a woman is uncomfortable watchin' you wank,
    do you think:

A: You need more time together

B: She's a make the beast with two backsin' prude

C: She should have sat elsewhere on the bus

Weight loss???


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape .

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program .

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week. ------------

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs
his hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence when one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says,

"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse."

[laugh] [laugh] [laugh] [clap]

Tiger

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner, "Top of the mornin' to ya sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with the Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"  He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose.

As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger. 

"And what on the good earth are the fer?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus." says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

 [laugh] [laugh] those beemers do have everything!

what do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?

Spoiler














homeless

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman shouts "Hey! McCleod! Get off of my ewe!"

I'm still laughing out loud. [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]

LA

A picture (in this case) is worth a thousand laughs!  [laugh]*10^3
























































(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3567/3321626274_98d48f8800.jpg)

Now THAT is a find, Stew! 

 [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup]

Was at my old shop on Saturday and the rear lot butts up to a Fiat mechanic.  He actually has a couple customers who still motor those...um...things.  [laugh]

NO idea where he got it though....

 [laugh] [laugh] [laugh] omg...... hilarious  [clap] [clap] [clap]

What did Mick Jagger say to Hugh Hefner when he caught him in bed with Dennis Weaver?


Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get offa McCloud!

(sorry)

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

Redneck Vasectomy. Ouch!



After their 11th child, a Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10...'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(you'll love this...)





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia , Texas and most definitely Washington D.C.

 [laugh] LOL  [laugh]  OMG  [clap] [clap] [clap]

I had the exact same reaction...  [laugh] [laugh]

I don't get it.  And why do you have to include Texas?  What are you saying?

That is absolutely hilarious!!!   [clap]

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!


 Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
 Born 1903--Died 1942.
 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
 car was on the way down. It was.
 =============================


 In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
 Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go..
 =============================


 On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova
 Scotia :
 Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
 =============================


 In a London, England cemetery:
 Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec.
 8, 1767
  =============================


 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
 Anna Wallace
 The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
  Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
 ===============================


 In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
 Here lies Johnny Yeast.. Pardon him for not rising.
 ===============================


 In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
 Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of
 the brake.
 ==============================


 In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
 Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw.
 He was quick on the trigger but slow on the draw.
 ================================


 A lawyer's epitaph in England:
 Sir John Strange.
 Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
 =================================


 John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
 Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
 Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
 ==================================


 In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
 On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
 ==================================


 Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
 Here lies the body of our Anna,
 Done to death by a banana.
 It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
 But the skin of the thing that made her go.
 ==================================


 On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
 Under the sod and under the trees,
 Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
 He is not here, there's only the pod.
 Pease shelled out and went to God.
 ==================================


 In a cemetery in England:
 Remember man, as you walk by,
 As you are now, so once was I
 As I am now, so shall you be.
 Remember this and follow me.
  (To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: )
  To follow you I'll not consent.
 Until I know which way you went..


 Thanks for the kind offer, when my time comes I want my wife to write my epitat

(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d61/rabalais/May12007download531.jpg)

I'd be done after teh 3rd pull.   8)

The only one I remember from Boot Hill in Tombstone, AZ.

Here lies Lester Moore.

Four slugs

From a forty-four.

No Les

No More.

Given the economic downturn, we see no option but to lay off André.

(http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=8fa0a6e308&view=att&th=11fd8fcf3f375f71&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw)

can't see it

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a *****, ain't ya?"

A man and his wife go to Las Vegas for the first time.

When they arrive at their hotel, the wife asked about all the beautiful young women standing around the lobby.

The man said, "Those are hookers. Prostitution is legal in Nevada." The wife was skeptical, but they continued on to their room. The man finally ended the discussion by saying, "O.K. You hide in the bathroom, and I'll call and have one sent up." She agreed, and hid in the bathroom. The man called the front desk and asked for an escort to be sent up. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman came to the door. The man asked her, "So, what's the going rate nowadays?" She answered, "$300.00." "Whoa! I wasn't planning on spending that much!" he said. She asked how much he had planned on spending. "$20.00" he said. Insulted, the woman left.

So the man and his wife decided to go down to the hotel casino and play the slots. On the way down in the elevator, it stopped and the same young woman got on. She said to the man, "See what $20.00 gets you?"

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were
        listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
        "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
        car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get
        through.
       
       
       
        "So the good wife went out and moved her car.
       
        A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
        said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
        your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
        get through.
       
       
       
        " The good wife went out and moved her car again.
       
       
       
        The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
        says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
        park...." Then the electric power went out.
       
        The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
        said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
        need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and
        understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes
        exhibit, the husband replied,
       
        "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

huh?

 [laugh] [clap]


 [laugh]

Speaking as a blonde

I resemble that remark.  [laugh]  [thumbsup]

  After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already  had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
 
    One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota , reported the following:  After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarrass, Minnesota, Ole Larson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.

   Thank Heavens for Ole.

 [laugh]  I got coffee out my nose now...

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
 
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
 
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
 
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
 
He never heard the shot.
 
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

 A first-grade teacher, Ms.. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,
'Harry, what's your problem?'
 
Harry answered,
'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.  My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm
smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
 
Ms Brooks had had enough.  She took Harry to the principal's office.  While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.  The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade
and behave.  She agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: 
'9.'
 
Principal: 
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'
 
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.  The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
 
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks,
'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
 
Harry, after a moment:
'Legs.'
 
Ms Brooks: 
'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
 
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied:
'Pockets'
 
Ms. Brooks:
'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
 
Harry:
'Pants.'
 
Ms. Brooks:
'What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'     
 
Harry:
'Coconut.'     

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
 
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied,
'Bubble gum.'
 
Ms. Brooks:
'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?'
 
Harry:
'Shake hands.'
 
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 
'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
 
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
 
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.   
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.   
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

 

 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.   
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.



 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.   



 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.   



 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.   



 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.   
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick . . .



 

The moral of the story - Pay your make the beast with two backsin' bills. 

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for Christmas. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said...

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

 The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.'

...


Haa ahh hhhh uuuuu........Awgaaawd,  I need an ambulance. ..

cough
  cough
     cough   ha  ha ha  OOooooooo.


wipes the coffee off computer screen. nose is burning, dripping coffee.
Oh dear me, good timing.

I have to change clothes now.

I don't know which was funnier, the jokes or Desmostro's response.   [laugh]

The jokes... but only barely.    [thumbsup]

(http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/ll161/porschaholic/smileys/laughing-smiley-006.gif)   (http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/ll161/porschaholic/smileys/laughing-smiley-014.gif)

Ed and Joe Bob walk into a bar. While having a shot of bourbon, they talk about their huntin' dogs. Suddenly, a woman at the next table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute, it becomes obvious the woman is in real distress.
Ed looks over and says "Kin ya swaller?
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"  Again, the woman shakes her head no.
Ed walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and gives her left butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked, she gives a shudder, and a piece of sandwich flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, Ed walks back to the bar. Joe Bob says " Ya know, I heard of that there "Hind lick maneuver" but I ain't never seen it done before!

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
     The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony..
 
    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help.. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

  'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin..

     At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

  He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Once upon a time lived two great poets who had been competing all their lives to determine who was the best.  Well as fate would have it they both die at the same time on the same day.  They arrive at the pearly gates together only to hear St. Peter say "we only have room for one great poet so one of you is going to the other place"

In astonishment the poets look at each other with no idea how to resolve this dilema.

Lucky for them St. Peter also has the solution.  He says "we will have a poetry contest.  I will decide the topic and be the judge.  Whoever writes the best poem from the topic of my choosing will get into heaven and the other will not"

Well the two poets agree and St. Peter gives them the topic "Timbuktu"

Poet number one thinks for a while and then says "Ok, I got it"
"I myself a lonely man
 Traveling through the hot desert sand
 I approach the sea, a ship passes through
 It's destination Timbuktu"

Well poet number two is amazed and thinks he is really in trouble, but then inspiration strikes.

He belts out
"I and Tim a walking we went
 As we spotted three maidens in a tent
 They were three and we but two
 I bucked one and Timbuktu"